Poet looking for his rhyme

The eunuch episode

2010-01-30T04:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, enroute to Andheri station, my auto rikshaw's stuck in a traffic jam ...
... so far it was just another day in [paradise?...not really... but i love that song! :) ]

yes, it was another day in the life of the average Mumbai citizen ... spending half of one's working life in the horrible commute ... yawn ... nothing much to do but stare at all the ditches on what were once lovely tarred roads ...

I could only imagine what wonders would emerge from these ditches -- maybe a flyover here, a footover there, the entrance to the planned metro railway there --- hey, could some of these ditches be hijacked by anti social elements? --- I can imagine a phone call to the powers that be "Give us Rs.1 crore if you want this ditch back ... otherwise we will fill it with concrete!! ... not the silly putty that your lame contracters use to pave the roads... we have real concrete!!!" If no one else, at least the water mafia will pay up and take control of the ditch and sell the "mineral" water :)

Anways, I decided to use the latest "value" talkplan that the cell phone rep had sweet talked me into... i decided to use the traffic jam to network ...

[my boss used to say "when you are not working, you should be networking". He changed his stance when the IT department complained that most of his minions spent office time on Facebook and Orkut... they had taken the 'not working - networking mantra' to heart, I guess :) ... ]

anyways, so as I started scrolling through my contacts list, wondering who I should call, I heard the voice that so many in Mumbai dread ... the voice of a eunuch 'requesting' me to pay some cold cash for some warm blessings ... of course, if I did'nt pay, I may be spat upon, slapped, or [if I am lucky], cursed to hottest part of hell...

But, I was too damn bored and did'nt want to part with any money... so I ignored the first "request"... but he/she was persistent and asked again ... and this time added my last name to the request ... but, as this word is also commonly used, I did not respond ... but the third time around, I was shocked ... the request was ...

"Hey Anup [Last Name concealed on request], give me some money... dont be so damn stingy!"

I was shocked .. I had heard that eunuchs have magical powers... powers to bless and curse... powers to see the soul through the eyes ... [okay, okay, so maybe I am exaggerating here :) ]

Anyways, before the scaredy cat in me said "meow, I'll give you all the money you want!", I realized the source of the eunuch's magical power to guess my name....

... I had forgotten to take off the identity card that was hanging around my neck! Apparently, eunuchs in Mumbai are English-literate :)

=======
I dont know if I will return to active blogging... but, I couln't coming back for this one as my wife found this incident too damn funny... cheers to all and to all a god day!!!

The wannabe poet has finally found his rhyme ...

2007-11-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe this ... but it has finally happened ... the one I've fallen for ... has also fallen for me ... we are now engaged ... and engaged in ... understanding each other ... fighting ... making up ... making plans for a lifetime together ... and praying that God be at the centre of it all ...

The wannabe poet has found the rhyme of his life ... and is actually quite speechless ... no poetry ... and no stories ... just a calm realization that all this is such a wonderful blessing ... just the not-so-calm anticipation of life ahead ...

Wish you all loads of love, peace, and joy ... now and forevermore ...

Breathe ...

2007-07-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

Even monkeys love a nice stroll in the clouds ... :)

---

Just spent some quality time at Khandala/Lonavla ... particularly enjoyed the drive ... especially as we passed through "serious precipitation waiting to happen" ever so often :)

What I've learnt ... Part 2

2007-07-01T05:44:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, we didn't have cable. I had to make do with just the national channel. I would feel very left out when other kids would discuss the latest (pirated) movies that the friendly neighbourthood cable guy would beam every day … So I adapted … I made it a point to listen to the discussions the first thing in the morning … and later in the day, I would start a conversation about the movie ... of course with ones who hadn't seen the movie … I would narrate the movie and the funny dialogues and chase sequences in a way that they felt that I'd seen it over and over ... Of course, sometimes I would get into sticky situations coz' I was generally ignorant about a lot of the 'icons' … I didn't know the difference between Jackie Chan and Jackie Shroff … neither did I know who Fido Dido was, or who Madonna was :) … But, all that made me a great listener … And I still am ...

When I was a kid, I didn't have a GF … never felt the need for one back then … I had a lot of friends who were girls, but I wasn't ready for any 'relationship' then ... Guess, it was coz' I wasn't as 'excited' as the other guys ... possibly because I hadn't watched any 'movies' beamed after midnight by the socially conscious neighbourhood cable guy who humbly sought to 'educate' the masses about the birds and the bees ... more power to the media, anyone?

Now that I think about it, I have never faced as much pressure to find that special someone than back then ... peer-pressure was a way of life, and I wanted to be just as cool as the others ... and to be hip, I needed a GF ... So I adapted ... Soon enough, people were whispering ... that I was in a relationship with one 'Nisha' ... that we were going around for almost a year now ... that no one knew about it, as Nisha was in a different school in a far-flung suburb ... the Nisha angle made me quite popular for a while ... but I soon grew tired of answering some pretty good (and dangerous) questions ... and after a lot of planning, and a lot of fanfare (read depression), I packed her off to another city ... I brooded over Nisha for maybe two weeks, soaking in the sympathy and attention like a raisin in a bottle of rum :) ... After the Nisha episode, no one in school questioned/teased me for not having a GF ... even after a year, I would still tell curious people that I wasn't over Nisha, and that I wasn't ready for any relationship ... Ah, the good old, complicated days ... :)

The best thing that came out of the Nisha episode - To pull off the scam, I had to understand the troubles/feelings of people in relationships … I did this, primarily by putting my listening skills to good use in countless conversations with friends who were in 'relationships' ... Over the years, I have only added to my knowledge about relationships by reading, listening a lot, and of course common sense ... I know today, that the succes to most relationships lies in constantly trusting, forgiving when that trust is broken, and most importantly - knowing when to talk and when to shut up

When I was a kid, I lied too much ... mostly to fit in ... to get people to just accept me, if not like me ... I am no longer a kid, but I see the very same thing being done by so many adults today ... and it makes me sad, as I've realized quite early in life, that I can't please everyone ... I've realized that I shouldn't even try to do so ... as, even if I succed, people wouldn't really be liking/accepting me for who I am ... they just like the lies ... and I no longer want to live a lie just for their benefit ...

I have learnt that life is not about how much money I make or how many things I accumulate … it's not even about the number of friends I make … it's about whether I make a positive difference to this world … If I leave this world a better place than what it was when I got here, I'll consider it a successful life ... I know that I probably won't do something that changes the whole world for the better, but if I manage to make it a better place for even a few people, I'll be happy ... and God willing, I will do so ...

What I've learnt ...

2007-06-17T04:15:00.000-07:00

People hurt people ...

no matter how good they are ... no matter how good they think they are ...

sometimes unintentionally ... sometimes otherwise ...

and ego often prevents reconciliation ... though the heart is remorseful

People who know the value of a heartfelt apology... and ones who know just how self-destructive an ego can be ... can prevent unnecessary heartache and guilt and failed relationships ...

After all,

... Life's too short ....

Poem - The love of my life

2007-06-02T10:31:00.000-07:00

The love of my life
Is dancing ... with the love of her life

It's a beautiful night
What a wonderful sight

The smile on her face
The twinkle in her eyes
Amazing grace,
And it just feels so nice

She glances my way,
And her smile says "Hi"
I smile and wave back
While my heart says "Goodbye"

The love of my life
Is married ... to the love of her life
She's finally happy
... And so am I

Poem - Too much to ask?

2007-05-13T05:06:00.000-07:00

Oh, to be accepted
To love and be loved
To trust and be trusted
To listen and be listened to

Oh, to have peace
Oh, to be patient and kind
To have a clear conscience
A truthful and faithful heart
A thankful and positive attitude

Oh, to be a faithful friend
Oh, to be friends with God
Oh, to be able to walk in love

Is it too much to ask?

Are you happy?

2007-04-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

Now that I've moved to a new city for the new job, people have been asking me this one question far too often ... "Are you happy?"

I guess it's only natural to assume that I wasn't happy in my old job ... But as far as jobs go, happiness was never something I have ever looked for ... job-satisfaction is what I've looked for. Life has many areas, and a job is just a part. So, just coz' there is job-satisfaction, that doesn't mean that one is happy.

Don't get me wrong. I know I am greatly blessed, with a better life than so many out there ... a family that cares, a few close friends, a job I like with fairly decent pay, a decent standard of living, and so on ... but, everytime someone asks me "Are you happy?" I avoid giving a straight answer except to close friends.

I recently admitted to a close friend that I wasn't happy ... though I have just about everything in life to be happy about ... and I have nothing that I can complain about ... and yet, there is something missing ... and that is, God.

God has been good to me all my life ... He's always protected me, forgiven me for the countless times I've messed up and given me way way more than I deserve ... basically, He has been a wonderful Father to an undeserving son ... but now, I've reached a point where I am no longer satisfied with just His gifts ... I need to know Him ... and not just know about Him

I can only pray that He reveals Himself to me and help me understand why I am here ... and I pray that you say an Amen to my prayer ....

Wish you all a very Happy and Blessed Easter, my dear friends ....

Poem - Me and my hammock ...

2007-03-16T11:57:00.001-07:00

Though you're long gone,
I still see you

and though its been years,
I can still hear your laughter

Though happy days are long gone,
I still see us together

and though its been years,
I can still feel the warmth

I can no longer pretend
That everything's allright
When its not

I can no longer pretend
That I've forgotten you
When I've not

You were all I ever wanted
You were all I ever had
And now,
Your memories are all I have
and your memories are all I hold dear

So I'm going to break the promise I made
The promise I made to myself
The promise to forget everything
The promise to move on

I am just going to lie here ...
... lie here forever
This cozy hammock of memories I have,
... will do just fine ...

-----
This was done in one sitting ... I know it needs a lot of work ... but kinda describes a state I was in a couple of months back ... am no longer in any hammock ... am too busy ... :)

Have a gr8 weekend ya all!!!

A few random thoughts

2007-02-24T12:35:00.001-08:00

On Family

Why couldn't I see it earlier? .... all the innumerable things my parents did for me day in and day out ... just so that I may have a comfortable life .... Why didn't I appreciate all this earlier?

Well, I am glad I see it today .... even though it took a job-change and moving to a new city for it .... I am not happy that I am away from them ... but I am happy that I appreciate and respect my parents so much more today ... and I am happy that this experience will make me a better and more responsible person ... and a better son ....

Why do parents do so much for their children? Even though they see so many instances of children betraying their confidence after they 'grow up (?)' ... why do they love their children so much? ... Love isn't practical ... but it is what makes it all worthwhile ... isn't it?

... and if parents can love their children so much .... how much more does God love us??? ....

----------

On Friends

.... after family, friends are what I consider one's greatest blessing ... Life is so much better when one has friends .. those confidantes ... the ones we can turn to at any point ... the ones who aren't merely cheerleaders .. they are the people who frankly tell us when we are in the wrong ... and suggest ways for us to improve .... they are the only well-wishers we have after family ...

Now that I am far away from some of the closest friends I've ever had, the worth of true friends is much much more for me today ... And while I am sure that by God's grace my circle of friends will keep increasing, this experience will only serve to make me a better friend ....

-----------

I recently observed ...

there are many people who are always looked at as 'cool' by others ... and of course these cool people go about in these exclusive 'cool' groups ... this happens not only in colleges .. it happens even in companies to a certain extent ... but irrespective of all that, one thing would be helpful for all the 'not so cool' people ..... these cool dudes are also just as confused and just as happy/unhappy as you are ... they are just better actors ... but if u observe carefully, you can notice chinks in their armour ...

... many do feel forced or out of place in the group, but they still hang together as they are afraid of new things (just like us regular folk) ... and if one of them is alone ... and none of us are around (noticeably) to be ignored ... its very likely that they'll let their guard down and be their true confused self ... :) ... more on this later ... if i remember my observations then ... for now i am just too tired to continue ... :)

--------------

OK, update on my life:

I am now in Hyderabad ... a place very much like good ol' Bombay in many ways ... and very much unlike in other ways ... :) I am gradually settling into life here ... Finding acomodation close to the office is quite tough and I have therefore moved into a guest house for now ...

I am so very glad that you guys have encouraged me so much ... I will try and get back to regular blogging and blog-hopping very soon ... am just trying to get into the groove at work first ... :)

Have a gr8 weekend ya all!!!!

Moving on ....

2007-02-08T22:29:00.000-08:00

This is for those who were curious about what the major development in my life was ... :)

On 07 Feb, with a heavy heart, I bid farewell to some of the closest friends I've ever had. It was extremely difficult saying goodbye after one and a half years of working with the same close-knit team. As if that wasn't enough, the fact that I'll be moving to a different city on Sunday was sufficient to dull most of the excitement about the new job and the new opportunities, responsibilities and challenges that await me.

The past few weeks have been an emotionally trying period for me ... its been a mixed-bag, really ... Of course I am really happy and excited about my prospects and all that God has in store for me. I've no doubt that, by God's grace, its going to be an amazing and enriching experience for me. But, the realization that I'll soon leave behind family and friends and basically, everyone I've ever loved is still sinking in, taking some of the zing out of my happiness.

In fact, as I sat with close friends at one of our frequent hangouts, I could hardly speak and spent my time playing with the food and just studying their faces ... knowing that everything I was so used to ... all the time spent together, the jokes, the conspiracies, the bitching :) ... would soon change ... Today, thinking rationally, I know that we will always be friends irrespective of where life takes us ... and though we'll miss each other a lot initially, life will go on ... and gradually, the emptiness will (God, willing) be filled by other friends ... everything will work together for good ... my roster of dear friends is only set to increase ... :)

One activity I've been engaging in with alarming frequency :) these past few weeks is ... counting my blessings ... for the appreciation, goodwill and best wishes from my bosses and colleagues ... for the love of my friends and family ... for all the heartwarming emails, cards, notes and gifts that have been showered upon me ... I'm just overwhlemed by it all ...

And thats why, as this Poet shifts base, and continues the search for his rhyme in another city, I pray that you take a few minutes and count your blessings ... and then send some of your good wishes my way :)

Please do pray for me .. so that I am successful in this new venture I am embarking on ... that this new phase of my career and my life may be even more enriching and rewarding than I've hoped for ... that I do everyone proud ...

----
My next post will take some time as I settle down in the new city ... more details then ... till then ... Peace Out! :)

No Time for Goodbyes ..... (Part 1)

2007-01-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

A cell-phone rings in a crowded meeting and all eyes turn to the beautiful lady ... the beautiful, talented and now slightly embarassed Macey, who quickly walks out of the room ... she glances at the caller id and sighs ... she hesitates and then decides to take the call ... but before the caller could say anything, she says ....

"Nathan, didn't I make myself clear last night? I do not want to see you or talk to you! ... Don't call me again ... I am very busy!"

"I'm Sorry ... I just ... "

She doesn't wait for him to finish ... switches off the phone and rushes back to the meeting ...

Its late in the evening when she switches her phone back on ... and almost immediately receives a call ....

"Is this Macey?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

"Do you know a Nathan Miguelle?"

"Yes. He's my fiance But, what is this about?"

"We got your number from Mr.Nathan's cell phone. I am sorry to say this, but he's been in an accident ... "

"But ... but I spoke to him this morning ..." she says, sobbing ...
"How is he? Is he badly hurt?"

"I am sorry Madam."

------
Isn't it sad ... that so many of us don't have time for loved ones anymore? ... that so many of us have screwed up our priorities so much that it doesn't even seem wrong anymore? ...

No time ... not even to say "Goodbye" ....

++++++
Guys, I miss ya all ... I see that all of ya have "new post" next to ur names ... Sheesh! ... i wanna come by so bad ...

am still caught up in work ... and blogging and blog hopping has unfortunately taken a backseat ... but decided to write something for a change ... I'd narrated the concept to a dear friend recently ... and as she thought it was okay, thought I'd give it a try ... :)

Happy New Year to ya all!!!

2006-12-30T10:51:00.000-08:00

2007 is almost here. So I cast one long hard look at the year gone by ... I refuse to regret having done or not done something at this point, as it won't change the past ... I look back so that I may add a few more pleasant moments to my treasure chest of memories ... and that I may learn from the past and not make the same mistakes in 2007 ....

Looking back at 2006 ... it was an amazingly hectic year .. with many upheavels on the personal and profesional front ... I'd started out 2006 not knowing if I'd ever write again ... but although my muse wasn't around anymore ... I still had bouts of inspiration ... suffcient to keep the blog rolling ... and so I completed my first year of blogging in Dec'06 ... thanks for all the encouragement my friends ... there are many other wonderful memories I have of this year ... wonderful friendships forged and nurtured ... professional degree attained ... and so much else ... it really wasn't as dreadful as I'd imagined ... All God's grace, really ... :)

For 2007 I pray that I be quick to listen but slow to speak and slow to become angry ... and that I give up my foolish ways ... that I might become a better son, a better friend ... a better person ...
Ok, what the h ... might as well aim to shed some pounds as well ... :)

Wishing one and all, a very Happy and Prosperous New Year ... Have fun, my dear friends ... :)

Christmas with Mischa

2006-12-17T05:08:00.000-08:00

"Max, do you want to dance?"

Max grinned ... "C'mon Mischa ... you know I can't ... not with these two left feet."

She smiled and said, "It doesn't make any difference, Max. I'll take care of you." and led him to the dance floor.

And she did take care of him ... her graceful steps compensating for his awkward movements ... Not that too many were looking at him as they danced.

And when they played the slow numbers, all they did was embrace and gently sway to the music ... the whole world ceased to exist ... time stood still ... and everyone and everything else melted into the background ... it was just ... Mischa and Max ... the smiles on their faces reflected the state of their joyous hearts ... hearts overflowing with affection, devotion, adoration, passion ... love ...

Love ... the wonderful warm feeling Max felt everytime he said the word "Mischa" out loud ... Why did that one word bring a smile to his face? ... the one word that brought back so many pleasant memories ... the most pleasant of them all being their dances on Christmas-eve.

Christmas ... for Max, it was special ... he celebrated the birth of the Lord and the birth of the love of his life ...

Christmas was here again ... the decorations were up, beautifully wrapped presents lay under the Christmas tree and milk and cookies were left for Santa ... but this year, Max didn't go to the dance ... he came straight back home after Church ... he stayed up, listening to carols and flipping through photo albums ...

"Why are you crying, Daddy?" ... little Eliza had crept downstairs ...

"What are you doing here, darling? Did you have a bad dream?"

"I miss Mom" she said as he snuggled up to him on the couch

"I miss her too, dear."

He sighed, kissed her on her forehead and then hugged her tight. Then they looked at the photo albums together, and smiled as they relived all the joyous moments that they'd shared with Mischa. He even let her open a few of her presents and grinned as she leapt with joy everytime.

Some time later, Max notices that Eliza has fallen asleep on the couch, surrounded by her many gifts. He smiles at his lil' angel sleeping so peacefully ... and gently lifts her up and takes her to her room.

Finally he's alone once again ... he turns off the carols and puts on a slow number that they'd danced to every year for so many years ... and as he leans back on the couch and closes his eyes, he hears the familiar voice ...

"Max, do you want to dance?"

He smiles and says, "Yes Mischa"

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Wish you all a very Happy Christmas ... I just hope I don't spend the holidays working ... :) Anyways, wish u guys have an awesome time!!! Cheers!!! :)

True. Isn't it?

2006-12-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

Thought 4 the day

BTW I saw 'Hitch' on HBO recently ... and towards the end, a dialogue really captivated me ... It's spot on!

"Hitch: What you got there?

Albert: This? I figured maybe if my heart
stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this.

I swear I'm going out of my mind.

I wanna throw myself off
of every building in New York.

I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it,
because then I'll stop thinking about her.

Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.

Albert: That's just it. I don't want to.
I've waited my whole life
to feel this miserable.

If this is the only way
I can stay connected with her...
then this is who I have to be."

---
Love ... ain't it strange? ... :)

Joe's long walk

2006-12-02T05:38:00.000-08:00

He stared long and hard into those cold eyes, striving to catch a glimpse of remourse in them ... less than an hour between him and the electric chair, ... between life and death ... and yet, ...

~~~
How many wrong turns does one have to take before ...

before one gives up trying to find the right path, and start walking down the road one is on?

before one accepts that dreams are just that ... dreams ... and reality mandates consciousness ... wake up!

before one realizes that wishes are only granted in fairytales and that this life ain't no fairytale?

before one gives up praying ... only the prayers of the righteous are answered. Right?

How long does it take for a man to give up? ... to stop rebelling? ... to conform? ... to accept the pointlessness of it all? ...

How long before one gives up grappling with fierce desires and just goes with the flow? Why bother about the consequences? One has to die someday, right? Is there such a thing as right or wrong? Aren't your needs and desires greater than that of everyone else? Isn't that what the world requires from you? So when you do what's required of you, why are you being singled out and punished? ... Damn it, who are you kidding? ... it was plain wrong ... you major league screw-up!

Does it end here? ... or were your parents right? Is there heaven? Is there hell? Is there any way to be sure about that?

Damn! Can't you even remember one simple prayer?

~~~

"Joe, you'll have to give us the mirror now. Its almost time."

Thought for the day ...

2006-11-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

What's the use of being on the right road .... when you're headed in the wrong direction?

---
You have eyes
But you can't perceive
Your ability to overlook
what you don't wanna see
bugs me to no end

You have ears
But you can't understand
Your inability to listen
to reason
bugs me to no end

You're pathetically obstinate
But then again,
so am I

I'm not giving up on you
Not yet, dear friend ...

Some never learn!

2006-11-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

Some never learn - AnupR

Some never cease to amaze
Some never fail to dissapoint
And a few like you
Make my day
Just by pretending
That you care

Is there anything worse
Than a life devoid of hope?
Why even attempt to go on?
When there's nothing to look forward to?

But,
False hope is better than
having no hope at all
and this affectionate charade
is better than none at all

So one trudges on
ignoring the obvious;
embracing the inevitability
of the coming 'crash n burn'

Living in the moment
Forsaking the future
Why do you do all this?
All this ... for her

Some never cease to amaze
Some never fail to dissapoint
And a few like me ...
.... never ever learn

-------
This one was a blast from the past ... but the truth remains ... some really never learn ... especially me ... *grins* ....

Trying to get a life .... :)

2006-10-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

(THIS IS JUST ME RANTING & RAVING ... FOR POSTERITY ... SO THAT I NEVER FORGET THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE)

Hey guys, first of all, i wanna apologize for not having come visiting for quite a while ... The thing is, I've never ever been so damn swamped in work ... its like my whole life revolves just around work ...

I trudge off to work at around 8.00 am (to beat the traffic) ... and am then at work beyond 8.00 pm daily ... and although the long hours does help me beat the most crazy of Bombay traffic, I'm starting to doubt if the trade-off is worth it ... :)

... Coz' I get home late, have dinner, and then just hit the sack .... and know what? ... I'm often dreaming about work too ... (no, not about the gals .. ;) ... my dreams/nightmares are about work that needs to be done, the upcoming work schedule, and how I cope with it ... I know I know ... how boring ... :)

As if that's not enough, I lug work home over the weekends ... there's just a lot that has to be done :( But, know what? ... In my attempt to "get a life", I've been trying to break the routine at least on Saturday ... the end result - I'm cramming a lot of activities on Saturday so that I can pretend that I have a life. That way, I get back to work on Sunday, convinced that "I HAVE A LIFE" ... hehe :)

A typical Saturday would've been, me sleeping in till 10.00 am, having a lazy breakfast and then starting work in the afternoon .... but now, I wake up early on Saturdays too. I have to get a life na? ... So, its up and atom at 8.00 am, a quick breakfast, watching a few cartoons (yup I still do watch 'em), and then its catching up on personal emails, visiting a few blogs, watching a movie (last week I saw 'Match Point'- amazing!!!), reading a book (Love Story and Tuesdays with Morrie have become my favs so far) ... of course, I multitask ... so i listen to music while reading the book. in fact, I'm listening to music while I'm typing this out ... :)And then in the evening, I get in a few hours of football/cricket/kite flying with the guys ... I'm pooped at the end o it all, grab dinner, another movie on TV and then hit the sack ... contented????

.... I don't think so .... Is this "getting a life"? ... it was overdone wasn't it? ... the whole point was to relax and chill and do some of the stuff that makes me happy ... and not cram everything I love doing into 24 hrs ... That's something so obvious, and yet, for the past 2 weeks, I was foolishly trying to ... :)

But not this week ... I am gonna read one book "Oliver's Story", maybe listen to some music later ... no multi-tasking ... and basically just laze around in front of the TV ... it may not be as exciting as the lives of so many out there ... but it is my life, and boring as it may be for a few, I like it this way ... :)

You guys have a gr8 weekend! ... I'll relax today and work tommorow ... but as blogging and blog hopping is one of the many activities I enjoy, one of these Saturdays, I'm gonnabe doing just that ... So, see you soon, buddies!!!!!

The gift - AnupR

2006-10-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

"I thought you wouldn't show up" she says, as Andrew walks in.

"So, is this it?" he asks, eyeing the box lying on the table

"Yup" she says nonchalantly .. and then adds -

"Every gift you've ever given me is in there ... well, at least the ones I liked and kept ..."

Andrew smiles ... "Brutal as always, I see ..."

He picks up the box, sits near her and rummages through the memories ... He wonders if the memories that flood his mind are real or make-believe ... was he ever happy or was he delusional? ... didn't he always know that she didn't care? It was just a compromise anyways ... she stuck around as she knew that he loved her ... and he let her stay as he needed someone to lavish affection on ... It worked fine initially, but then ...

"Hello! ... what are ya doing? I'm expecting company ... "

Andrew smiles, hands her the box and says- "You haven't returned the most expensive gift I've given you"

"That's impossible! ... I kept that ring in there ... there it is!" and she shows him the ring ... amazing craftsmanship and etched with the words "Forever Yours" ...

"That isn't what I was talking about" he says

"So what was it?"

Andrew says nothing ... he leans in and pecks her on the cheek ... whispers goodbye ... then picks up the box and moves towards the door ...

"What was it, Andrew? I want to return it!"

He's reached the door by now ... and doesn't turn around as he says "You never did return it ... and you never can. .... I gave you ... complete and unconditional love."

----
Hey guys, sorry I couldn't reply to your comments in the previous post ... have a lot of catching up to do ... Today, I had 2 exams ... the first one went well, and the second one was ... BAD!!! :( ... Anyways, have 2 more exams next Sunday ... so catching up will have to wait a lil' ... I miss ya all!!!

BTW, turned 26 today ... hehe ... :) but the whole day went in the exam hall ... so cut the cake in the late evening with family ... and these two frens of mine sent over a Huge Bouquet to cheer me up as I was so stressed recently ... Wow! U guys are just amazing! .. am so blessed to have frens like ya ...

Cheers ya all ... Will catch ya soon!!!

Poem - "I do believe" - AnupR

2006-09-30T05:50:00.000-07:00

They think that he's flying
when he's nose-diving ...
freefalling into the abyss

Don't know what he's thinking
And why that smile's on his face

When all plans have
gone for a toss
And everything's
as good as lost

When he's got nothing
to look forward to
And nothing
to hold on to

Seems
He's lost
His chance
His mind
and all hope too

Does he not have the strength to fight?
Why does he not care enough to try?
Why does he feel he's nearing the end?
Why does he continue to pretend?

No answers come and you are amazed
as you see him waving and smiling
at friends and passers-by
they all say - "what a great guy"
When all he's saying is - goodbye

But
As he hurtles towards the end
He hungers for a final glimpse of the sky
So he stops staring into the deep
Turns around and looks towards the Most High

"I do believe ...
Help thou mine unbelief"

-----
I don't expect anyone to understand something that I myself am confused about ... :)

Have a gr8 weekend ya all ...

Update:
Have got exams lined up in October ... and work's more hectic than ever ... All in all, its gonnabe fun!!!! :)

Random thought - the yappers

2006-09-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

What's happening Update - N/A (am yet to get a life!) ... :)

DISCLAIMER: This may be a work of Fiction. Any resemblance to your life may be intentional but definitely isn't with any malice ... :)

I've always felt there are just two kinds of people in the world. Those who talk too much ... and those who aren't able to talk too much, as the first category (yappers) won't let them!

Seriously! ... I've come across many people who seem to be in love with the sound of their own voice ... and they'll ramble on and on ... and I feel like screaming -"Dude, if you love talking so much, at least say something interesting! ... or talk to someone who has similar interests!!! ... Don't persecute me just coz' I wandered into ur line of sight!"

Don't get me wrong here ... I love listening to people ... and given a choice between talking or listening, I'd rather listen ... But I'd rather give my time to friends and family and not to just about anyone ... But so many of these people just can't take a hint (or they choose to ignore the hints) ... So I may yawn, program my cell-phone to self-destruct, tear my hair (whatever is remaining) out in frustration, or just drop down unconscious ... they'll keep yapping away ... so long as I am physically present, anywhere near them ...

At one point I thought I'd just ask the yappers to shut up and leave me alone ... but then I realized that I was actually benefitting from interaction with these fellas ...
1. If Patience is a muscle, I'm now a world-champion body-builder!
2. The ones who were spared of the torture coz' of me, treat with me with respect/pity/compassion ... and I don't mind it one bit! ... hehe :)
3. If I ever want to avoid someone, I quickly approach the first yapper in sight ... and he/she immediately strike up a not-so rivetting conversation ... and no one dares approach me!
4. I find that I can actually do quite a bit of work while 'listening' ... they don't really care if you are really paying attention ... they just want you to nod your head once in a while, mumble something like "yes" or "hmmm" or "i understand completely" ... So I've programmed myself such that every few minutes I nod and say one of those key-words ... they are happy and I'm none the worse for it ...
5. On account of the constant practice of nodding and saying "yes" without knowing what's happening, I think I'm perfecting the art that's practiced by all great husbands world-wide ... ;) (no offence gals ... that's what most guys will end up doing anyways... always saying "Yes, Dear" )

---
Hv a gr8 weekend ya all! :)

Why? - AnupR

2006-09-08T05:46:00.000-07:00

You left me
but never told me why
Its over
and I'm still wondering why
Why why why?

You led me on and made promises
raised my expectations
And then moved outta my life
without any explanation
You screwed up my life
messed with my emotions
Why why why?

Why does this always happen to me?
Why do I fall for fools
who just wanna fool around?
What is it that attracts them to me
and me to them?

Why is my life an incessant whirlpool?
Why am I sinking into this abyss?
Am I to blame for it?
and even if I'm not to blame,
Why don't I ever learn?
Is there something inherently wrong with me?

Do I actually love this ocean
of messed up relationships,
broken hearts and dreams?
Is that why
I wallow in this cesspool of doubt,
everyday without fail?
Is that why
I throw myself a pity-party
and enjoy my own misery?

Why can't I move on?
Why can't I accept that you're gone?

Why can't I be stronger?
Why can't relationships last longer?
if not forever ...
Why can't I find true love?
or something close?

Why Why Why?

----
Hey guys, I'm seriously bogged down with work ... am still carrying it home for the weekends ... :( I miss you all ..

BTW this poem isn't my story ... it really isn't ... various discussions I've had with a good friend has inspired this one ...

"I know its sounds harsh ... but I love you and hope and pray that you come out of this soon ... I hope its gets better real soon, my dear friend .... "

Have a gr8 weekend ya all!!!

kaapi ....

2006-08-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

A close relative (M) recently shared this 'blast from the past' ... :)

Warning: Those who aren't aware of the 'arranged marriage' concept shouldn't read any further ... :)

Morning - M is tipped-off by a relative that the boy who would come to 'see' her was just a clown who pretends to be a 'prospective groom'. She also receives a list of questions that he would ask in the course of their conversation.

Evening - The clown arrives with a friend. M's father welcomes them ... Soon, M walks into the room (obviously pretending to be shy) with steaming cups of kaapi ... lil chit-chat between M's parents and the clown .... then he says to the father ...

"In these modern times (it was the late 1970s), it would be only appropriate if M and I had a private conversation ... u know spend some time alone"

The reply "But I am even more modern ... so I have absolutely no problem with you asking anything in my presence ... so go ahead and say whatever's on your mind ... go ahead ... I am very modern ... "

The clown squirms in his seat ... its not going as per plan ... hmmm ...
"So does the girl know how to cook?"

The reply
"No. She doesn't know how to cook. .... But I know how to. I can make aviyal, sambar .... (lists down the menu of any standard restaurant) ......"
"I also know how to climb trees, scale mountains, raise chickens ..... (lists down a bunch of stuff) ... "
and after 5 minutes of listing in great detail, all the things he can do,
" ... and I also know how to whack any guy who tries to act smart with my kid!"

The clown and his friend, by now just wanna run away ... (did I mention that M's father was over 6 feet tall ... and well, XL was tight-fit for him)... they stay on their chairs, not knowing what to say, when he continues ...

"We have something to take care of. So we're gonna leave now. But you two need not leave so soon ... stay and have some more kaapi ...."

Was it worth it?

2006-08-18T04:48:00.000-07:00

"What are you doing here, Max?"

Without glancing behind, he quickly wipes his face and wearily starts getting up.

"Nothing" ... he mumbles
"... the traffic just keeps getting worse doesn't it? I don't feel like leaving work, just thinking of the commute ... just look at that Jules ... its crazy, na?"

"Yes ..." she says, of the birds-eye view of bumper to bumper traffic.

"But thats not why you were out here all alone at the stairwell now, was it?"

"I was just tired Jules ... these crazy hours are getting to me."

"Same here, Max ... I'm tired too ... why don't you sit down?"

They remain silent for a while ... looking at the slow pilgrimage outside ... as red and the occasional neon lights shone through the falling darkness

... then abruptly, Julia asked the inevitable ...

"Was it worth it?"

He doesn't reply

"I was afraid this would happen, Max ... I'm so sorry. But I'd warned you not to get so emotionally attached to her, didn't I?. And now she's done it again. Why don't you learn from your mistakes? Why are you so blind to the obvious ... that she never loved you? ... that she was only using you?"

His gaze remains fixed at the pilgrimage outside

"I'm sorry Max ... its just so frustrating to see someone mess with you like this ... "

He turns to her and holds her gaze for a while ... then

"Yes it is frustrating to be used ... to have genuine love and affection trampled on ... but I knew it all along too ... I knew she never really cared ... but I still played along ... I knew it would only lead to this ... but I chose to have her in my life for a lil' more time ... I was selfish and spineless ... I refused to cut my losses and run when I should have ... so I deserve this, Jules ... I deserve this ... it's not her fault ..."

"Don't blame yourself Max ... please don't ... it was only natural for you to have behaved that way ... love does that ... make one behave irrationally quite often ..."

"Hey you two! ... DC wants those staus reports ... get in here!!! "

they turn their backs to the pilgrimage outside ... and walk towards airconditioned comfort ... and just before they enter, Max says ...

"Yes ... it was worth the effort ... Love always is ..."

-----
Seeing her smile was worth the time and the effort and the emotional investment ... For me, Love is never about what you get ... When someone becomes the object of your affection (viz. when u love someone), they may not deserve it ... and they may never recompense ... but until you lavish your affection, you just don't feel right ... so I give love every chance I can ... even if I'm looked on as being irrational ... even when I know it could lead to hurt ... I'd rather give Love a chance today rather than wonder "what-if I had?" tommorow ... This poet will keep looking for his rhyme ... :)

Have a gr8 weekend ya all!!!

Farewell (Reloaded) - AnupR

2006-08-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Farewell (Reloaded) - AnupR

Standing before a blazing fire
Contemplating broken dreams …
… the foolish desires

I stand there in a daze
Hearing everything …
… listening to nothing

One by one
I read and re-read
All the letters you sent
All that you said
All that you never meant

One by one
The letters meet the flames
And crumble and twist
With the same agony
I feel inside

One by one
The tears dry
Even as the flames die
Even as the embers fly

And so, I’m left
Bereft and all alone
In the dark of the night

I fall to the unforgiving ground
And lie gazing at the empty, meaningless sky
Wouldn’t it have been better
… to just give up and die?

A drizzle catches me unawares
Like a blessed answer to my prayers
I stand up with arms outstretched
To welcome the sweet, cleansing rain
And with every drop that rolls off me
I finally let go
… of you
… of us
… of the pain

----
Hey you all, this one was inspired by a gr8 friend of mine ... guess, I'm not the only one with messed up relationships ... this goes out to you, my dear ... TC ...

Farewell - AnupR

2006-08-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

Farewell -AnupR

Usually,
love is enough
but,
many times
it falls short.
And,
at this time
all I have,
is,
something you don't care about

But,
I'll get over the heartbreak
And,
I'll get over the pain
But,
What will you do, honey?
when,
it starts to rain?

No one could've ever loved you
the way I thought I did
I'm glad I saw the real you
and that you did what you did

Now,
I don't have much to offer
And,
I don't have much to say
For a change,
I want to be happy
So,
I won't ask you to stay

----
just walk away honey, just walk away .... farewell ....

Friends

2006-08-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

"Friends" - AnupR

I thought I'd made
all the friends
I would ever make

But then you, ... you came along

I thought I'd made
another, ... another mistake
it just can't work
"We're too different
and from different worlds"

But then you, ... you proved me wrong

Now I know
that you will be there
(for me)
Now I know
that you will care
(for me)
... the way I do
(for you)

I thought I'd made
all the friends
I would ever make

But then you, ... you came along

-----
"Beloved friend, I pray that you prosper and be in good health, even as your soul prospers."

Poem - The Betrayal ...

2006-07-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

Poem - The Betrayal ...
AnupR

Don't hold back anymore
Why do you pretend?
Why do you try so hard?
Why restrain?

It's real easy my dear
You've done this before
Just use that dagger you always carry
And drive it deep into my chest

Stand beside me
Hold my hand
As I lay gasping
on the floor
Then plunge the blade
yet again

.... Its no longer surprising

Then shed some tears
And call up friends
Tell them what went wrong
Sure, they deserve to know
But then again, so do I

You left me for dead once
And you're doing it again
But I survived once
And I'll survive again
I'll just grow stronger
Feeding off the pain

I won't die, my love
And neither will my love
I ain't living for myself
I'm living for my love
and My heart may be beating inside me
But it draws its life from you

-----
I know this piece needs work ... I just sat and wrote whatever popped into my head ... And I'm too tired to edit ... :)
-----

Hey guys! ... work has been extremely hectic to say the very least ... and the pressure aint abating ... and the >12 hr workdays ... how could anyone sustain this week after week???

Anyways, I miss you all ... am gonna try and grab some R&R and catch up on as soon as I can ... I really appreciate the encouraging words and the "Hi" sent across by some of ya precious ones ... Thank u ... :)

Hope U all have an awesome week!!! TC! :)

What can one boast about?

2006-07-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

One of Mom's acquaintances is dying of cancer as I write this ... About three months back she went to a doctor complaining of some pain in her legs ... and today she's on her death bed at less than 55 years of age ... the cancer had silently ravaged her body so badly that chemotheraphy just didn't have an impact ... and doctors had to admit defeat ...

She had so many hopes and dreams ... of seeing her two sons, 28 and 22 ... get married and settle down ... of them managing the flourishing family business ... and now ..... those two sons hold on to their mother ... praying for a miracle ... trying vainly to put up a brave face and hold back tears ... as their father comes to terms with the grim reality ...

I'm sure you've heard similar stories very often ... you would probably say - "Life is hard, Anup ... bad things happen all the time ... why are you spoiling the mood by talking of such things?" ...

I don't know ... I just can't ignore it ... I'm not a fool ... I accept the facts too ... but everytime I hear of such things ... I can't help but be thankful for everything that I have ... knowing that it could all be taken away in an instant ...

What can one boast about?
Money?
Power?
A high paying job?
Educational qualifications?
A high IQ?
Family?

... nothing at all ... for it all can be lost in an instant ...

Unlike what many think about me, I do not dwell on these things ... and am not a pessimist ... perhaps I am a realist? (i dont think such a word exists) ... I mean, I undertake reality-checks many times ... and seek things to be thankful for ... for I never know when it all ends ....

--------
Guys, I think many friends are really tired of my reality checks ... and this 'be thankful' thing ... I can't help being this way ... but I sure can keep my mouth shut ... I mean, I don't wanna come across as a sappy guy ... its just I have these flashes once in a while, and I go all senti ...

So this would probably be the last 'be thankful' post from me ... I'm sure you all feel thankful for that ... :)

have a gr8 weekend ya all!!!!

Buffaloe Garden ...

2006-07-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

After a long long time I joined the guys for a round of football ... it was completely crazy ... and real fun! ... especially the sliding tackles I've perfected over the years ... :)

After almost 2 hours of running, jostling, jersey pulling and abusing (perhaps even worse than the ones hurled at Zidane) ... we were too tired to continue, and called it a day.

As we walked home, we threw around stories from the good old days ... how personal scores would be settled during the game as well as after ... how we ensured that everyone got dirty by throwing the clean ones into muck n mire ... even giving them a face-pack if required ... hehe .... the time, we didn't have a football ... and so played with a tennis ball in pouring rain ... good times ....

On our way home, we passed the erstwhile 'buffaloe garden' ... the ground where so many rainy days were spent chasing a football ... unsuccessfully trying to avoid the gifts left by the buffaloes post-grazing ... ;) .... Now there are no buffaloes and there is no ground ... only an asphalt road snaking across the land that was so dear to us children ... good times ...

Reaching home, soaked in sweat ... jersey and shorts stained black with muck and what not ... Soon the neighbours hear Mom shouting - "You're filthy! You better wash those clothes yourself! Don't you dare put them in the washing machine .... are you a kid? Is this the age to roll about in muck? ........ "

Ahh ... good times .... :)

++++
Guys, its gonna be peak work season for me, starting tommorow for more than a month ... so I won't be able to blog as much as I'd like to :(

But, I'm always on email ... and wish I'd receive emails from my blogging buddies ... particularly the few who have never emailed me and stick their tongue out at me, if I try to know them better ... (Hint Hint :p)

lolz ... have a gr8 week ya all!!!

Results are out ... your prayers worked!!!!

2006-07-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

Hey dear buddies ... the results for the CA Exams came out today ... and thanks to God, who took pity on me, and pushed me through this time ... :)

It has been a long journey for me ... with many dissapointments and failures along the way ... but thanks to the prayers of family and friends like ya all ... I was able to go on ... and finally success has come my way too ...

Unfortunately my lil' sis couldn't clear the exams ... and is a bit down ... I request you all to please pray so that she too gets divine strength to go on ... and attain success real soon ...

Thank God for his mercies!

-Anup

Bombed ....

2006-07-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening, a colleague informed us of a series of explosions in various local trains in Mumbai. Everyone immediately confirmed the wherabouts of their near and dear ones. But news of the safety of family and friends provided only momentary relief. And as one tuned in to news reports and saw the gruesome images, one couldn't help but feel nervous, helpless and angry.

Terrorism claimed nearly 170 lives yesterday ... but more than 170 families will be affected ... for a man is a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a friend ... life will never be the same for the ones who knew and loved the ones who passed away.

The same applies to the 464 injured (many of them are seriously wounded) ... Many have been handicapped by the explosions ...

Spare a thought for these people and their families. Please do help in any way you can, as and when the opportunity arises ... but certainly do remember them in your prayers ...

+++

I've always believed that every day is a gift ... that I must count my blessings daily ... and be thankful always ... such bleak days are a grim reminder of how things can change in an instant ... they remind me ... I am NOT in control ...

The Prayer

2006-07-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

The Prayer - Anup R

This world has driven me to my knees
It has snatched everything from me
Now I have nowhere left to go
And no one to call my own

For all my efforts, I have nothing of worth to show
Now I know friends who've behaved worse than foes
All this weighs on me, way too much
Oh how I long for a kind word - a gentle touch

I find no solace in solitude
And I'm lonely in the multitude
I'm disheartened and feel completely empty
I just wanna run away - break free

I turn to you for I know you hear me
And unlike the world, you also listen to me
Would you please save me - please rescue me
I've messed up ... I'm sorry ....

I need your peace in the midst of this storm
I need your strength for I can't walk on my own
I need you to show me the way home
I need your presence coz' I can't go on all alone

I'm begging you Oh Lord please
For all this - sweet release

Cheers ...

2006-07-01T01:04:00.000-07:00

As a few of ya may know, I had a gr8 time at an office bash recently. However, while there I was among a minority that didn't drink alcohol. Now most in that minority had never tasted alcohol but for whatever reason abstained. But, I could see that a few were tempted to try it out. I on the other hand found it very easy to stay away from alcohol. Know why? .....

I come from an over-protective, traditional/orthodox middle-class family ... which basically means that I neither had the money nor the freedom (phone conversations monitored, curfews @ 10 pm and so on) to indulge in anything remotely "exciting" for a teenager. But, after i turned 18, I decided to try alcohol at least once ... wondering what the big deal was .... and an oppportunity presented itself shortly ...

At that time dad was with a well-known MNC bank and for the annual office meet, they chartered a Catamaran that would cruise almost all night off the Gateway of India. I made my way through the crowd and asked for a beer ... very excited for it would be my first!!! (ya ya don't smirk ... :)

The bartender handed me a frothing mug of Fosters ... but before I could take a sip, a bunch of people recognized me as "the HR manager's son" ... Now, I was nervous ... I couldn't let Dad find out thru them ... so for damage control, I made my way to dad and casually (concealing my nervousness) informed him that i would be trying alcohol tonight ... strangely enough, he was cool with it ... and so I made my way back to my Fosters, filling up on starters on the way :).

Now, I must tell you that I have a sweet tooth and have always imagined that alcohol would be sweet and really tasty ... and with all this at the back of my head I raised the mug to my lips .... and then ... I almost spat it out! ... it was NOT sweet ... and it certainly wasn't tasty! It was a huge letdown ... and after about half a mug, I set it down and wondered why people were so crazy about this ...

Then as I binged on some more of the delicious greasy starters, I thought of trying some wine ... after all I'd drunk wine served in those tiny glasses (toasts to the newly weds) at wedding receptions and it wasn't too bad ... it was sweet too ... So I went to the bar and asked for wine. Now he asked me - Red or White? I had no clue what he was talking about ... but, being the 'confident n cool' teenager that I was, I said "Red, please". Probably coz' the only wine I'd seen (Port Wine, mind u) was red in colour. So, I tasted true Red wine too that night ... and it was just as horrible as the beer I'd tried earlier. But, I did drink half of the glass, mingling with the crowd, before giving up and chucking it into the sea.

I was really dissapointed with myself ... why didn't I like beer? Everyone else loved it ... but as i was pondering this and so many "collosal" problems that plagued my angst-ridden teen life, the boat started rocking ... i mean Catamarans are built to give a stable/steady ride ... but here, i could feel the deck sliding away under my feet ... but everyone else seemed calm ... then i realized that i was drunk ...

Sheesh!!! I felt really uncomfortable as I was taking unsteady steps and finding it hard to maintain my balance ... I hated that I wasn't in control of my senses ... Somehow I pulled/dragged myself to a dark corner of the boat ... and held on to the railings and looked at the dark sea ... the waves actually seemed quite inviting I must tell ya ... I must've stayed there for quite a while before I started throwing up ... Yuck!! ... Starters, Fosters, Starters, Red Wine ... Yuck!! into the sea ...

I felt much better after that 'cleansing' experience ... and made my way back to the main deck ... mom and sis came over and asked me to join them for dinner ... i was in no mood for dinner ... even though it was a lavish spread and I love a good meal ... so i just sat there ... cursing alcohol for robbing me of the chance to have a good time and an even better dinner ....

I decided then and there itself that I would never drink alcohol again ... and to this day, Thank God, i have not had even the slightest attraction for alcohol ... I've never had to miss any dinners due to alcohol again ... :)

And any time I feel out of place at a party where almost everyone is drinking, I order Apple juice and walk around with it, pretending its some hard drink ... and I'm left alone (read - not teased) by pretty much everyone ... or I just order a Mocktail and pretend its a Cocktail ... after all who can tell the difference between a Bloody Mary and Tomato Juice in a party? hehe :)

... Necessity - the mother of invention ... how true ;)

----
I didn't wanna actually write this initially, as it shows how childish I am in so many ways ... but then I thought what the heck ... u guys think I'm a kid as it is, eh? ... hehe :)

Have a gr8 weekend ya all!!! Ciao!

Friday Night

2006-06-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

Friday Night- AnupR

It's a Friday
Another week has gone by
Frustrated by da routine
I let out a cry

Get a call on ma cell phone
"Buddy, wanna hang out tonight?"
I say "Sure thing, Darling"
"We're gonna groove all night"

We drive to da party
And head straight for da bar
As the drinks drown our inhibitions
We hit the dance floor

But as we raved and swayed
To crazy club music
I catch a glimpse of heaven
Just a few feet away

I no longer hear any music
Except the thumping of my heart
Everyone fades into the darkness
Heck, she tops all da charts!

Mesmerised by her beauty
Enamored by the way she danced
I stand rooted
as if in a trance

Who cares what da DJ's playing
As long as she's dancing
Oh baby, is she moving!
... I'm not complaining :)

And then it hits me
A purse across ma face
My buddy, she's jealous
and is now hunting for da mace

I try and calm her down
As we down a few more drinks
"Yeah baby, we're getting married
But thats not for 2 weeks"

" *CENSORED* "
------
Memory goes blank around here ... da poet is still nursing a nasty gash on da head and a bad hangover ... "Honey, pick up da phone ... About last night ... I'm sorry baby....."

++++
This was fun! ... I had a blast on Wednesday ... awesome office party ... Of course I don't drink ... but I saw some awesome dancing (me thinks da dancing was aided by a few drinks in) ... thought I'd put myself in their shoes here ... dunno if I captured it well enough though :)

on friendships ....

2006-06-17T06:22:00.000-07:00

How does one make friends?

Generally one tends to gravitate towards people with similar personalities ... ones whose interests and likes/dislikes/preferences closely resemble your own ... basically its the 'birds of a feather flocking together' funda ...

And yet, quite often two people from vastly different sections of society, with diametrically opposite personalities, attitudes, beliefs and convictions ... become the very best of friends. Now why does that happen?

I've experienced it myself ... Despite being completely opposite in almost all aspects of our life ... from what we like to do in our spare time or where we'd like to hang out, to deeper matters such as our convictions and beliefs ... despite it all, we get along amazingly well ... I mean, its like we have some sort of commonality at a deeper level that binds the friendship together ... In fact, very often I feel that my love and respect for these friends exceeds my affection for other dear friends.

Why do you think it is so? Is it because at a deeper level, we seek friends who complete us? ... as in - fill the gaps we perceive as existing in our personalities? ... they do the things that we've always wanted to, but were unable to ... perhaps they have the attitude that we crave ... so in being with them, we feel we have become whole? ...

Or is it just as simple as "Opposites attract" ... even in friendships?

---
I know, I know ... two posts in two days? Do I have lots of free time or what? Actually, quite the opposite! ... I've been working like crazy and all the pent up frustration of working like this to meet deadlines is spilling over here ... When I'm frustrated, I write ... otherwise someone's gonna get punched in the face very soon! ... grrr ... :)

Still missing her ... :(

2006-06-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

The sun is still sleeping
But I'm wide awake
I've spent the night kneeling
At the foot of my bed

I think of all I have today
I think of all I've lost
I dwell on all I've gained so far
I come to terms with the cost

I really have no regrets
Except having caused you pain
Except messing up what meant most to me
By behaving like I was insane

You still mean the world to me
I miss you night and day
From the time the sun wakes up
Till when the stars come out to play

If only I could erase the past
Or turn back the hands of time
What I wouldn't give for a clean slate
and a friendship that would last

But for now I remain where I am
All alone at the foot of my bed
Crying, hoping, begging and praying
For I still miss you my dear muse
Though you're always in my heart
Though you're always in my head

------
Wrote this on my way home from work ... been a long time since I actually wrote something during the commute .... felt real nice to get this out ....

Don't be mad guys, I'm not on an Emo-Trip or anything .... I just miss the good old days ... she was a great friend and she'll always have a special place in my heart ...

Have a gr8 weekend ya all! ... as for me .... I've lugged work home once again ... I have crazy deadlines to meet yaar!

No Fear

2006-06-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

No Fear - AnupR

A lil' bit of jealousy
... to give u that 'drive'

Loads of flattery
... to keep 'powers that be'
happy and at bay

Shrewd manipulation
and a lil' twisting of facts
... to make u seem so damn cool
(others are such fools!)

A lil' bit of bitching and backbiting
never hurt anyone, na?
so let da lies and rumours fly
... screw their promotions!
(screw with their emotions!)

U know all da tricks of da trade, eh?
U da master of da game, eh?

But,
I see right thru ur tapestry of lies n deceipt
And smile as u weave ur web to trap me again
Not this time ... sweet talker!
Not again ...

This time,
I'm gonna play da game my way
I'm gonna succeed this time
I've got help this time!

Do ur worst
I won't hit back
I don't need to
Your Boss is on my side!
U can only do as much damage
As He allows you to

And when my time comes
U can't stop da promotion
That's headed my way

No fear
Not in life
Not even in death
For what is death
But the gateway to real life?

----
Don't ask me what it means ... I started writing and this is the result ... I have no explanation 4 dis ... just rambled on as usual ... :)

Thankful?

2006-06-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

Its an understatement to say that I've had a rough week ... nope it didn't show to the ones around ... but this ranked pretty high on my list of bad weeks ... until .... (I'll get back to it)

Anyways, Sat morning, woke up with a slight ache in my neck and shoulders ... but I'd lugged work home (as usual ... I know I know ... GET A LIFE!) ... and so popped some painkillers and got to it ... Next thing I know, Sunday morning ... couldn't even get off the bed without physically supporting my neck with my hands ... really horrible pain n all! ... I still had a report due Monday ... so after some warm compresses and home remedies (which didn't really help too much) I somehow got a lil' bit done ... and it took its toll on me ... :(

So Monday, I woke up with really horrible pain ... and went off straight to my physiotherapist ... an hour of warm compresses and various exercises later, I went to work ... I told u I have loads of work to get done and very lil' time! And thus began the week ....

Tue and Wed, I sat thru work, with a neck brace ... looking like a lunatic ... as opposed to just behaving ever so often like one ;) ... And I so hated it when colleagues looked at me with sympathy ... don't look at me that way ... I'm not dying!

And on Thu .... a viral infection joins the party! ... As if I wasn't having a gr8 time already (with warm compresses and exercises) ... And though I immediately took some tablets to fight it off, by evening, I was burning up with fever ... I pushed off from work early, endured a seemingly never-ending commute home, rushed to the pharmacy ... on a quest for antibiotics ... Hardly slept coz' I woke up ever so often coughing or feeling feverish ... whatever ...

Friday ... another report is due ... but because of the wonderful time I'd had this week ... I had to call in sick ... and a whole day of antibiotics and a cocktail of home-remedies later, I'm feeling just a lil' bit better .... am a bit weak with loads of body-ache ... but God willing I'll be okay enough to weather the storm and come out with the report that's past due on Monday!

So, what does all this have to do with the title of the post?

I realized this recently ... one must be thankful ... always ... there are so many people who are worse off than I am right now ... many without a home ... many without a house ... many without any money ... many without anyone to call their own ... many without dreams/hopes/ambitions ... many without education ... many without intellect ... many without a job ... many who are resigned to a life that holds no meaning .... except an endless daily struggle to survive ...

Can u stand up? Be thankful 4 that ... many can't!

Can u bend ur neck back without any pain? Be thankful! ... presently I can't!

Do u have parents who love u and take care of ur every need? Who sit by ur side when u r sick and irritable and at ur worst behaviour? Do u have parents? ... be thankful! ... Many don't! ... and I am so very thankful for my parents who have endured me and my crazy antics ... and have always loved me and forgiven me ... and been there for me ... I am thankful ...

I am thankful for my faith ... for life ... for friends ... for love ...

I am thankful for this blog ... an outlet for the stuff that's hidden in my heart ... and for the wonderful people I've met thru this medium ...

I am thankful ....

... Are you?

----
Okay this one was written on a 'High' induced by a combination of antibiotics, cough syrup and a host of other medicines I'm taking ... so I went overboard, I guess ... But I'm too lazy to edit/weed out the junk ... so I'm just gonna hit the publish button and hit the sack ...

Take care ya all ... I'll visit ya as soon as I can ... Have a gr8 weekend! :)

Poem - Open ur eyes

2006-06-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

Poem - Open ur eyes
- AnupR

From the cradle to the grave
Will you be a slave
For you aren't blind
And yet, choose not to see
For you aren't deaf
And yet, choose not to listen
For you aren't dumb
And yet, choose not to speak

Listen to reason
See the light
Be wise and humble
And at least try to embrace the truth

Accept ...
You are weak
You never were free
You probably never will be

If ...
You love your chains
You enjoy the pain
You enjoy the sympathy
You don't crave salvation

So ...
Go about your business
Keep building castles in the air
Never spare a thought for anyone else
Not even for the only one
... who really does care

... and never open your eyes ..... again

-------
yes ... the ramblings of a confused poet ... bear with me world ... too many questions ... very few answers ... I need some time

A walk down memory lane (crushes, infatuations and other silly things)

2006-05-27T01:48:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I no longer have a muse :( and so I'm a bit stifled creatively ... so I thought I'd use this chance to list the gals I've fallen for over the past 25 years ...

The funny thing is that I realize now that I've never really loved any of them ... I know that I liked them a lot then (perhaps I still do!) ... but they are just major-league crushes/infatuations ... anyways, here it goes ... my past ... (guess I can also show this entry to the one who'll come into my life next ... so she knows what she's getting into ... ) :)

The first time I thought I was in love was when I was 14. She was one of the prettiest girls in class. I remember how I used to gaze at her adoringly in school ... and at home, I would go often up to the terrace instead of joining my friends for a round of cricket and I would just walk around thinking of her ... humming ye old love songs. I tell you honestly ... I used to feel that I was walking on air those days ... everything was pleasant ... everything was so beautiful! Those who do drugs to get high are crazy! ... I'm sure no drugs could ever give a high like 'being in love' (or even believing that u r in love).

What happened? ... nothing ... she was already involved with someone ... and I never ever would approach someone who was involved ... don't want to rock the boat ... don't want to cause trouble ... so I had a soft spot for her for the two-odd years of schooling left ... and then went off to college where I (thought I) fell in love again ...

I was almost 18, and I'm guessing its partly the raging hormones that made me think I was in love ... and this time for real ... even though I'd known her for less than a year.

My friends told me that I was crazy ... for she wasn't all that beautiful. But they just didn't get it ... I was attracted to 'her' ... that's the thing ... it isn't just about physical attributes that attracts ... so many other factors come into play ... the way you just hit it off with a few so very easily, but struggle to have a decent conversation with others ... the attitude ... the sense of humour ...

Anyways, although we were good friends, I didn't know if she was seeing someone. So I asked a mutual friend ... she wasn't involved! But the very next day I observed a change in the way she spoke to me ... it was obvious that the mutual friend had blurted out that I was making enquiries. So, we met after classes and while I told her that I liked her very much, she repeated the classic line that girls use so very often ... "I've never seen you as more than a friend ... when did this happen? " ... anyways, she wanted us to remain friends and put the whole issue behind us ... turns out she wanted to focus on studies ... Yes, she was a real brainy gal ... and on hindsight, it was absolutely right of her ... she had her priorities in order and stuck to them! ... I really admire her for that ... I wish I was focussed like she was ...

What happened? ... we did remain friends for a few more months ... but as I was having a real hard time maintaining an emotional distance, the friendship had to end ... and it ended real bad for me as I had thought that she was the one destined for me and all that ... which on hindsight is so silly! ... but for a teen, it was all damn important! ... back then, I actaully cried in the rain over her ... damn it! ... I could've avoided so many colds/coughs if only I were smarter :)

Guess one good thing did come out of it though ... when I thought I was in love with her, I discovered that I had a knack for writing poems ... so I wrote describing the feeling of being in love and all that .... and after it all got messed up, I continued writing poems to vent my frustration ... and I've kept writing since ... :)

Anyways, in Senior college, when I was 20, I had my next major crush ... she was also a dear friend ... but as she was already involved with someone, I never confessed ... and we're still good friends ... of course I got over her completely ... guess it was just a passing phase, when one gets too emotionally involved/ too affectionate with friends and misinterprets it as love ... and that's exactly what happened recently too ... with my muse ... the one to whom this blog is dedicated ...

25 yrs young, I become friends with a real gem of a person ... then it happens again ... I misinterpret my feelings for her as love ... it was probably just a phase when I got too attached to her and developed a sense of deep caring and affection for her ... perhaps overstepping the boundaries as a friend? ... but now I look back at all that and am sure that it wasn't love ... I still like her a lot ... but nothing more ... I'm no longer in love ... probably never was ... I probably don't even know what love is ... :)

Anyways, I really suggest you read some of these posts which will give ya an idea of what transpired between me and my ex-muse ...

http://anupr.blogspot.com/2005/12/pls-be-patient-with-me.html
http://anupr.blogspot.com/2005/12/loving-friend-recently-i-joked-that.html

----
wow this was a lengthy post! ... I wonder how in 25 years, and loads of friends later, I've had major crushes only four times??? that can't be right! shouldn't the count have been higher? :)

What's ur count???

Poem - Remember what you are

2006-05-21T05:43:00.000-07:00

Poem - Remember what you are ... AnupR

When the night is over
and there's light all around
Keep your head on your shoulders
and your feet on the ground
Don't let pride creep in
and lead you into sin
Just remember where you come from
Just remember what you are

You're just dust that breathes
and flies around for a while
but when the wind stops blowing
you will cease to smile

You're a flower that blooms
but for a day
and though you're beautiful
you will soon fade away

Its gonna be ashes to ashes
and dust to dust
So keep your head on your shoulders
and let love come first

----
This is a note to myself. I've observed that I have a major issue with pride. I don't wanna fall into that trap. Ever!!!! God have mercy!

A virtual rose to all the beauties out here ....

2006-05-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

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........ / . . . .`.. . . .. ........
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................ || _.-'| ........
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....... |.. |.. , . ||/ .............
.... , ....` | /|., |Y.., ............
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......... >_.-`Y| ..............
.............. , _|| ...............
................ ..|| ...........
................. || ..........
................. || ...........
................. |/ ...........

Hiya my dear dear blog buddies .... I still miss ya all .... coz' wid da new job and all (which BTW is going gr8), I just haven't been able to visit ya all ... and catch up .... :(

... and as far as my own blog is concerned, I feel completely uninspired right now ... no poems are flowing thru me ... no articles are coming ... as of now ... Guess I need a muse ... real soon ... Man, as far as poems go, it was so easy when i was in love and when i fell out of love ... but now, i'm just ... stuck ... :(

Anyways, ya all have a gr8 weekend!!! I'm gonna try and visit at least a few of ya ... so c ya!

Exams Over .... I quit work .... Life goes on ....

2006-05-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

Hiya ya all ....

I missed you all .... seems like ages since I've been away .... Now, over the weekend I'll be visiting ya all .... and catch up on what's been happening in your lives ..... :) I'm gonna enjoy that!!!!

Its really great to be back .... the exams went very well by God's grace ... thank you all for all your prayers and your best wishes ... without the mercy of God, I would never have been able to write the papers so well ... so all the glory goes to Him alone ....

Well, after the exams I did something that was on the cards for quite a while ... but it was painful nonetheless ... I quit work ... No no I won't be sitting at home .... I'll be joining a new place today .... in fact I'm gonna have to get ready in a while ... don't wannabe late the very first day na .... :)

I really loved working there ... and I'm gonna miss it .... Anyways, here's a lil' letter that I sent out to my friends at work yesterday ....

Hiya All,

It is with a heavy heart that I sit here wondering how to bid farewell .... to a place I've grown to love .... to you wonderful people .... who've made my stint here very very special ....

People come and people go .... memories are all that are left behind .... and even as I'm saddened by the thought of moving on .... I reassure myself with the fact that I can always enjoy the treasure trove of memories - my time amongst you all ....

I wish you all the very best ....... for life, love and other mysteries ......

Do stay in touch .... I would love to hear from you ... (especially if you are gonna give a treat :) .... I can always be found at http://anupr.blogspot.com .... or you can email me at anup.777@gmail.com .....

So, here goes .... one last time ....

Peace Out!
Anup

Well, I'm off to get ready for work now ... More updates later ..... Ahh its good to be back!!! :)

Tagged by TEHL ... 25 questions ... :)

2006-04-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

Another hard day of studying later ... decided to get this tag done as I'd promised to get to it by Sunday ... :) Ah, Easter tommorow ... shld get in atleast a lil' bit of R&R, just for a change in pace ...

Anyways, here's the tag ... Thanks for this Ego .. :)

1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.

“What man is there among you who has one sheep, and if it falls into a pit on the Sabbath will not lay hold of it and lift it out?"

2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.

Stretched out ... touching thin air ... :)

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

the end of the movie "SWAT" while I was having dinner

4.Without looking, guess what time it is?

around 10 pm

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

lolz..its 9.45 pm ..

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

I've the headphones on ... listening to a song that DEG sent me ... Hazaaron Kwaishen Aisi ... really good song ...

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

This evening ... with the books on the terrace ... I always do this in the evenings ... that way I'm studying and getting some fresh air too ... :)

8.Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

... my email ...

9. What are you wearing?

A T shirt & football shorts

10. Did you dream last night?

Yes ... met some friends ... and also an ex-flame ... :)

11. When did you last laugh?

Just a lil' while ago with Mom and sis over one of my countless lame comments ... :)

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

Paint ... off-white colour ... then there's a painting ... a clock ... 2 spiders ... 5 mosquitoes ... wait ... one flew off ... so 4 mosquitoes ... wait ... now there's 3 ... I killed one ... so ... hehehhe :)

13. Seen anything weird lately?

not really ... this survey is quite wierd though ... ;)

14. What do u think of this quiz?

lolz ... Lame Lame Lame ... but good TP ... and I needed to do somethhing like this to get my mind off studies ... and go off to sleep peacefully! :)

15.What is the Last film u saw?

The Passion of the Christ ... Good Friday night on Star Movies ... a grim reminder of the price that was paid for me ...

16. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?

A nice flat first ... then I'd invest the rest somewhere ... I'm not really a splurger ... but some goos DVDs and a computer upgrade would be on the cards!

17. Tell me something about you that I dunno.

I have 6 fingers on each of my feet

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

I'd take over Google and Microsoft and rule the world!!! :) yes I'd name the new co ... Anup's Moogle

19. Do you like to dance?

Oh yes... I dance allright!

20. George Bush

I don't give a damn ... not worth the effort ...

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

Sarah (means Princess)... Or
Joan/Joanna (means God's gracious gift)

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

Samuel (means Heard by God/Answer to prayer) ... Or
Joshua (means Whom God has saved) ... Or
Jonathan (means God's gift)

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?

Oh yes! it wld be good ... I imagine ... :)

24.What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?

You've done well, faithful servant ... Come on in ...

25. People who may do this memo in their journal.

Anyone's who's got time for this??? tell me ... :)

Good Friday Spl - The poet's choice

2006-04-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

Hiya All,

I'm really sorry for not answering your comments sooner ... but, I'm now on study leave (yes, the people at work agreed :)

... so although I do come online for a bit every night (when I'm completely tired of studying) ... I usually just check my mail (yes, ur comments do come to my inbox) ... and as much as I wanna answer right then and there, I had to wait ... :(

But, I do love getting those comments from ya all ... I miss ya all and can hardly wait to get back to active blogging ...

... till then, here's one for Good Friday ...

The Poet's Choice - AnupR
He wanders the wilderness
Searching for elusive peace n happiness
All them fancy toys do entertain
But what 'bout the emptiness?
What 'bout the pain?

Unable to sleep (as usual)
He kneels beside the bed
With hands stretched heavenward
He cries out in despair

"Is there anyone up there?
Do you even care?
I dunno what I'm doing anymore
I'm tired of this whole affair!"

He longs for an answer
But the silence remains
So he doesn't restrain the tears anymore
And slides into his chair

As he sits there, drink in hand
He thinks of the happy days long gone by
Carefree days in mother's arms
Listening to stories of the Promised Land
He struggles to remember the prayers
she prayed before the lights went out
... before she kissed him and said Good Night

Pondering these things ... ancient memories ... suddenly ...
He bows down ... gets on his knees
He realizes the significance of the tree
He was blind but now he sees

I am that person ... I am he
I've made my choice for eternity

---
this was partly autobiographical ... i needed to record this for posterity ... :)
(sorry if i bored ya ...)

Anyways, wishing the world and my dear buddies a Very Happy and Blessed Easter!!! (in advance) :)

Alvin's story - the missing pieces .....

2006-04-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

"Daddy, look at this .... "

Alvin walks over to his lil' angel. He sits down on the floor beside her, and she climbs into his lap .... he smiles weakly, as she holds a worn out photo album ...

"That's me, your mom and our friend"

She looks at the photo, then at Alvin and smiles .... she then runs off to her mom .... "Mom, Mom look at what I have ...."

Alvin gets up slowly and walks out into the garden ... nostalgic, he slips into one of the lawn chairs and closes his eyes .... the memories come flooding in ... the day he gathered courage to confess his love for Mischa but decided not to ... Mischa was so excited as she told him of her marriage plans .... he couldn't do this to her ... he couldn't stand the thought of complicating her life ... and he also couldn't stand by and pretend to be happy as the one he loved slipped out of his reach ... a few phone calls later he was off to the US ...

"Honey, what are you doing out here in the sun?"

"Nothing dear .... just thinking ..."

"She's gone, Alvin ... please let it be ... you go off on a walk down that lane ... I .... "

Eliza walks away ....

Alvin gets up immediately and runs after her .... He stops her before she gets to the door. He leads her to the shade and they both sit down on the lawn ...

"I'm sorry dear ... When she showed me that photo .... those were good times .... "

"Yes Alvin, those were good days ..."

Alvin reaches out and holds Eliza's hand ....

"I love you Eliza ... you've always been my best friend ... you've always been there for me ... you've always understood me ... and put up with so many of my quirks ... "

Eliza smiles ... "Quirks? ... now that's an understatement!"

They both start laughing ...

After a long pause ....
"Have I been a bad husband?"

"No Alvin ... you are a wonderful husband, my best friend and an excellent father ... its just that I was a bit irritated and .... "

"I'm Sorry Eliza ... I really am ... its just that I wanted to say goodbye ... I left for the US so suddenly ... I never talked to her since ... and then her accident ... I just wanted to say goodbye "

"Alvin, I'd promised Mischa that I'd never mention this ... but I can't stand seeing you like this any more ... she'd forgiven you a long time ago ... she remained a good friend ... I was in touch with her all the while ... she knew why you left for the US ... she knew about us dating ... how you proposed on New Year's Eve ... she was really pleased when I sent our wedding snaps ... "

"So Mischa knew all along? ... so why didn't she let you tell me?"

"She just thought you were a bit confused about what you felt for her ... she thought it'd be better this way ... I couldn't break ... "

Just then, their lovely daughter runs out to them ... and jumps into Eliza's arms ...

... half an hour later we see ... Eliza and Alvin lying on the grass ... looking into each others eyes ... saying nothing .... but smiling as they glance at their lil' Mischa sleeping .... not a care in the world ... good times ....

.... and they lived happily ever after .......

----
Guess, this part answers a few of the questions you had ... :) But, do let me know if you see any more loose ends ...

Have a great weekend ya all! :)

Alvin's story .... concluding part ...

2006-04-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

Hiya All,

Here is the concluding part of Alvin's story ..... my latest work ......
... for those who don't remember ... part 1... :)

"Are you the one who places flowers here every year?"

after a long pause, he replies....

".... Yes..."

"But why? ... How had you known her?"

"We were classmates"

"I don't recall seeing you ... What did you say your name was?

"Alvin ... we've never met before Ma'm... "

"Alvin? ....... yes, I do recall Mischa mentioning you ... but if I'm right, you'd left Bombay and moved to the US ...in .... "

"1997? .... Yes ... but I moved back in a year"

"... and you didn't contact her?"

"Well, friends told me she'd married and moved to Hyderabad .... and I wasn't able to get in touch later on ... too busy with business and stuff ..."

"... well, you should have .... she considered you a good friend .... If you don't mind, can we talk for a while?"

"Actually, I really need to rush ..... "

"Alvin, today it's four years .... it all happened so fast .... I miss her very much .... "

"I miss her very much too, Aunty .... I'm really sorry .... "

after a long pause ....
"... Isn't Eliza with you?"

"How did you know about Eliza and me?"

"Friends told Mischa, and so I know ... "

"Eliza usually comes with me every year ... but she's due anyday .... so she's with her parents ..."

"Congratulations ... that's good news ..."

Alvin just smiles .... then kneels by the grave, and rearranges the flowers ...

"Mischa always loved carnations .... "

"Yes ... that she did ...."

both remain silent for a while .... and then they start walking away from the grave ....

"Alvin .... Mischa told me everything ... so I know why you left for the US ... She was very upset that you left without telling her ... but, she understood .... I remember how happy she was when she heard that Eliza and you got married ... she was even planning to visit you and personally convey her wishes ... but then .... "

"Yes, it was a complete shock to us .... we were in the US at that time ... we rushed home, but were too late to say goodbye ...."

Alvin's cell phone rings ... its Eliza's mom on the line ....

"Aunty, I'm a Dad! ... a beautiful baby girl!"

"That's really great .... did you speak to Eliza then?"

"No, to her mom .... but Eliza's okay ... she's just a lil' drowsy now ..."

"So, have you decided on a name for her?"

"Eliza decided for us ..... we'll call her ................ Mischa"

Peace Out!
AnupR

I've had enough ...

2006-04-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

I've been very patient
I kept hoping I was wrong about you
But from the way things are going
And from what my eyes are seeing
There's very lil' chance that it ain't true

Do you take me for a lovestruck fool?
You are partly right ...
... lovestruck? Oh yes!
But I ain't no fool!

Initially
I tried to ignore the obvious ...
that you don't really care for me
that you aren't really a friend to me
that you're just using me
that I'm just a means to an end
coz' you know that I'm a true friend
(even though you're not)

Yes, so I always knew you were playing me
Just like you play everyone else
But I still played along
Hoping so bad that I was wrong
Hoping so bad that you'd start to care
Hoping that you'd actually become a friend

But, it's been a monumental waste
It ain't worth it no more
It's started to really trouble me
Not that I'm being used ...
... For you I can do anything!
It just seems so sad ...
... its a mockery of my adoration

Stop pretending to be a friend!
I'll help you anyway I can
... whenever I can ...
But just stop pretending ...
... stop abusing my love
... stop exploting my weakness ...
... my fondness for you ...

You've always been a great player
... playing the game the world loves ...
... and playing it well
You know to push the right buttons
You know how to work that charm
You know how to get things done

So I'm sure you'll succeed
that you'll make serious progress in life
And I don't mind it one bit!
I'll be happy when I see you succeed

I'm just sad that you're playing me
I'm just sad that you're pretending
I'm not a fool ... I've had enough
I know who you are ... the games you play
So please just stop ...
Please stop playing me

EDIT:- Okay, I've had to field questions from many friends as regards who I'm talking about ... they were especially concerned if it was them .. lolz .. :)
I just wanna end the speculation and say that I've been her friend for a really long time ... but after a year and half, I'm entitled to get tired of being played ... by someone I love ....

-----
Guys, this was a spur of the moment rant ... just to get some frustration out of my system ...

there are a lot of things going on in my life ... that's why I've not been visiting u guys for a while ... family, studies and career too ... a lot of mess needs to be sorted out ... God have mercy on me ... So please do pray for me ...

Poem - Wishes

2006-03-24T21:06:00.000-08:00

Poem - Wishes - AnupR

The love I have for you
Has got nothing to do
... with what you think 'bout me

I love you. That's it.
It's okay if you don't care one bit.

If you want me to leave
... I'll go away
If you want me around
... I'll gladly stay
It makes no difference to me

I'm gonna keep wishing what I've always wished for you
Keep praying the prayer that I've always prayed for you
And as surely as I see the sky, so blue
I'll keep hoping these wishes come true

May shining sucess always be your crown
May humilty and grace always be your gown
May your good deeds bring you renown
May your praises be sung all over town

May you have a long and blissful life
... free of any pain, sorrow or strife
and may your love, love you forever
... far above his own life

I wish I always see you smiling and dancing
... that I always hear you singing and rejoicing
and I wish I see
your face light up with glee
as your hopes and dreams become reality

And even as you slowly forget all about me
In some corner of the world will I be
... wishing these wishes become reality

----
letting go of someone you love ... but wishing the best for them always ... the best way to part ... me thinks ;)

Tagged!!! - 7 songs I'm into right now ...

2006-03-24T20:01:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by - the_ego_has_landed. Thanks buddy! :)

Well, I'm not one who bothers to keep up with the times (in case of music, that is). But, the ones I'm enjoying right now are:

I'm a believer (OST Shrek)
And then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer.
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love
(oooooo)
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her
if I tried

Madonna - You'll See
You think that I can't live, without your love
You'll see
You think I can't go on, another day
You think I have nothing, without you by my side
You'll see, somehow, some way
...
All by myself, I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive I know I'll stay alive

Madonna - Sorry
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'

Superchick - Beauty from pain
[Chorus]
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Finley Quaye - Dice (one of the themes from The OC)
I was crying over you
I am smiling I think of you
Where your garden have no walls
Breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me
Nothing can compare

Keane - Walnut Tree (one of the themes from The OC)
Underneath the walnut tree,
Where you said you'd wait for me,
And I waited a long, long time
And I waited a long, long time
.....
Why, why do I come here?
Seeking out the memories I hold dear,
'Cause you put your spell on me,
Made me live a memory,
And im frozen in just the wrong time.

Superchick - Get Up
I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly
And I will spread these wings of mine.

---
Rather unconventional mix, I must admit ... but that's what I am ... :)

Anyways, I tag everyone who hasn't completed this tag already ... :)

This was fun! :)

The Da Vinci Code ... the controversy ....

2006-03-21T08:10:00.000-08:00

Okay guys, so far I've avoided discussions on religion and politics ... coz' it only leads to endless debate ... but, a recent post by a fellow blogger (Puneet), and the rave reviews this book I've heard from colleagues and acquantances has prompted me to sit up and take notice ...

I quote Puneet - "Coming to the Book… it will shatter your trust on Christianity and God… some times its difficult to doubt the facts are narrated in the book… or rather the way in which they are narrated…"

Basically I do not care what you believe in ... so long as both sides of the story are made available to you ... when you make that decision to believe ... whatever it is that you believe ...

So, here is the other side of the story ...
1. http://www.leaderu.com/theology/crashdavincicode.html (very extensive)
1. http://www.scripturessay.com/q563.html (reasonably extensive)
2. http://www.contenderministries.org/discrepancies/davincicode.php (short)

Excerpt:
Q. Mike, have you read “The Da Vinci Code?” What do you think of the book’s views on Jesus, Mary Magdalene, the formation of the New Testament, and the Holy Grail?
Mike Scott: Yes, I have recently read the book. While traveling a few weeks ago I took the opportunity to borrow a copy from my Sister-in-Law. I read a few chapters and then realized that I needed my own copy and immediately purchased one. I do so much reading in theology that it is not often that I have the opportunity to read a novel. I’m a little behind the times because I understand this book was released in March of 2003, and that it has sold more than 7.5 million copies world wide.

At first I found the book a little slow in developing. I like a good John Grisham novel or one by Nicholas Sparks, or Robert Crais. “The DA Vinci Code” is slow to develop. As I got into it a little more, I found it somewhat more interesting, but problematic because of the numerous historical errors and misrepresentations it presents about Bible characters, teachings and traditions.

Dan Brown obviously borrowed heavily from a number of sources for his concepts as can be clearly seen with in the text of his novel. A book called “Holy Blood, Holy Grail,” by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh, and Henry Lincoln released in 1982 contains the basic story line that Brown uses in “The DA Vinci Code.” It’s also obvious that the book borrows heavily from “The Gnostic Gospels” by Elaine Pagels; “The Templar Revelation: Secret Guardians of the True Identity of Christ” by Lynn Picknett and Clive Prince; “The Goddess in the Gospels”: Reclaiming the Sacred Feminine and “The Woman with the Alabaster Jar”: Mary Magdalene and the Holy Grail, both by Margaret Starbird; and “The Woman’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets” by Barbara G. Walker. Brown alludes to the Gnostic gospels of Phillip and Mary.

This book is another in a long line of “Searching for the Holy Grail” books which attempts to draw the reader into a desperate and impossible attempt to attain the Holy Grail, which this book now represents as Mary Magdalene and her blood line, since, as the book presents in novel form, Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married and had a number of children. Whatever the Bible teaches on these subjects is of little consequence because, the book states, “almost everything our fathers taught us about Christ is false.” (DVC p. 235).

I would not even take the time to address this issue were it not for the fact that Brown makes a claim of scholarship in his book that will lead many astray from the truth. On a page titled “FACT”, one page ahead of his prologue, Brown states, “All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate.” I will demonstrate that his descriptions of “documents” are patently false and fabricated, twisted and misquoted, and deliberately misrepresented for the sake of Brown’s story.

(1) A key assertion in DVC is that Jesus was just a man who happened to be married to Mary Magdalene and that there was a Giant conspiracy to suppress this “truth.” “Almost everything our fathers taught us about Christ is false.” (DVC p. 235) The book further asserts that “a divine Christ was unknown in the church” before the Nicean council of 325 A.D.

It is asserted that the gospel accounts we have in our Bibles are not the earliest gospels, the earlier accounts (so says DVC) known today as the “Gnostic Gospels” discovered at Nag Hammadi, Egypt, are the earliest Christian records. In these texts we are told of the special relationship that existed between Mary and Jesus.

The book claims that the four gospels we have in our Bibles were selected by the Nicean council from 80 early gospels the majority of which would reveal the true nature of Jesus Christ. These “earlier gospels” were suppressed by a giant conspiracy, therefore this information is unknown today.

Ben Witherington III, professor of Biblical Studies at Asbury Theological Seminary, Wilmore, Ky. says:
“Among the 35 or so extant non canonical gospels are two Gnostic gospels that Dan Brown depends on most heavily in rewriting Jesus’ life: the Gospel of Philip and the Gospel of Mary. There is no credible evidence that either of these existed before late in the second century A.D. Indeed many scholars think they come from the third century A.D. By contrast, non scholars that I know, whatever their theological persuasion, think that the canonical Gospels are from any later than the last half of the first century or (in the case of the gospel of John) the first few years of the second century A.D. Our earliest extant gospel fragment is a portion of a papyrus of John 18 dating to the early second century A.D. (BAR article)

I have read and studied both gnostic gospels the “Gospel of Phillip” and the “Gospel of Mary” which DVC depends upon to present the concept of a close relationship between Mary and Jesus.

I will now read form the “proof” offered:

Gospel of Phillip :
“Some said, Mary conceived by the Holy Spirit, they are in error. They do not know what they are saying. When did a woman ever conceive by a woman? “

There it is, ladies and gentlemen, the PROOF TEXT of the new age movement. This is it. Notice what it says about the concept of God and inspiration.

Here is another example from the Gospel of Phillip:
Gospel of Phillip :
“The companion of the Savior is Mary Magdalene. But Christ loved her more than all the disciples and used to kss her often on the mouth. The rest of the disciples were offended by it and expressed disapproval. They said to him Why do you love her more that all of us”

Another passage says:
“There were three who always walked with the Lord: Mary, his mother, and his sister and Magdalene, the one who was his companion. His sister and his mother and his companion were each a Mary.”

Here we have a real LAUGH in the book as Brown has his experts ARGUE that the word “companion” in the Aramaic really means “spouse”, therefore, the Gospel of Phillip is CLEARLY telling us that Jesus was married. This is a REAL LAUGH because the gnostic gospels were written in COPTIC while Brown’s “experts” define words from another language!

Let me give you a few examples of the gross Biblical errors found in the gospel of Phillip:

Gospel of Phillip:
“Some neither desire to sin nor are able to sin”
Romans 3:23
“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
1 Jn. 1:8-10
8* If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

Gospel of Phillip:
“Adam came into being from two virgins, from the Spirit and from the virgin of earth.”

Genesis 2:7
“Then the LORD God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.”

Gospel of Phillip:
“There are two trees growing in Paradise. One Bears animals, the other bears men. Adam ate from the tree which bore animals. He became an animal and he brought forth animals. For this reason the children of Adam worship animals.”
Gen. 2:8-9
8* The LORD God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He placed the man whom He had formed.
9 Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Gospel of Phillip:
“The world came about through a mistake. For he who created it wanted to create it imperishable and immortal. He fell short of attaining his desire.”

Jeremiah 32:17
“‘Ah Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You.”
Psalm 19:1-2
“The heavens are telling of the glory of God; And their expanse is declaring the work of His hands.
2 Day to day pours forth speech, And night to night reveals knowledge.”
Eph 1:4
“just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love”
1Pe 1:20
“For He was foreknown before the foundation of the world, but has appeared in these last times for the sake of you”

As the above contridictions indicate the “gospel of Phillip” known to have been written by a gnostic in the third century teaches grevious doctrinal error.

Let me give you another example of a PROOF TEXT from the gospel of Mary.

Gospel of Mary
“Peter, you are always irate. Now I see that you are contending against the woman like the adversaries. But if the Savior made her worthy, who are you to reject her? Surely the Savior knew her very well. For this reason he loved her more than us.”

Folks, there it is, the PROOF that Brown and the new agers offer for the “sacred femine” and the marriage of Jesus.

The “gospel of Mary” comes to us from the 3rd century A.D. It is written on papyrus, in Coptic, the first six pages have been lost. We have NO history as to the transmission or translation of the text. No scholars are attributed to the translation of either gnostic accounts we have cited above.

The Gnostic Gospels are a diverse collection of documents written by an early group of false teachers known as the “Gnostics” (Greek word for “higher knowledge”(epiginosis). The Gnostics were not even remotely concerned about giving a narrative of the life of Christ, as our inspired Gospel records or in recording a biography of the historical Jesus. The purpose of the Gnostics was to claim a “higher knowledge” then existed generally in the church. The emphasis in gnostic writings tends to be more on esoteric wisdom.

The Gnostics were followers of a variety of religious movements which stressed salvation through “gnosis” (Greek) or ‘knowledge’, above all of one’s origins. What is known as “Cosmological dualism” among scholars, was an essential feature of Gnosticism. The material creation is EVIL, only “Sophia” (spiritual wisdom) is good. Most Gnostics held that Christ was NOT truly incarnated, nor could he truly suffer on the cross. Since all matter is evil Christ would never have inhabited a physical body. The Gnostics taught that “higher knowledge” was needed to allow good Gnostics to escape from the prison of their bodies at death and traverse the planetary spheres of hostile demons to be reunited with God. Salvation was found in knowledge, not in faith. Some Gnostics indulged deliberately in licentious behavior. Carpocrates, for example, urged his followers to sin, and his son Epiphanes taught that promiscuity was God’s law. Most Gnostics, however, took a radically “ascetic” attitude toward sex and marriage deeming the creation of woman the source of evil and the procreation of children but the multiplication of souls in bondage to the powers of darkness. They looked forward to the time when females would be transformed into males, as in Eden prior to the creation of woman.

2 John 7-11
7* For many deceivers have gone out into the world, those who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh. This is the deceiver and the antichrist.
8 Watch yourselves, that you do not lose what we have accomplished, but that you may receive a full reward.
9 Anyone who goes too far and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God; the one who abides in the teaching, he has both the Father and the Son.
10* If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not receive him into your house, and do not give him a greeting;
11 for the one who gives him a greeting participates in his evil deeds.

By the middle of the 2nd century the early church fathers Irenaeus, Hippolytus and Tertullian criticized the gnostic gospels. They were NEVER considered inspired by the main stream church. They were NOT the earliest accounts, most scholars believe that the gnostics gospels did not arrive on the scene until the second half of the second century.

DVC says “constantine attempted to eradicate “the earlier” gospels (gnostic gospels) but some survived. “The Dead Sea Scrolls were found in the 1950’s hidden in a cave near Qumran in the Judean desert. And of course the Coptic Scrolls in 1945 at Nag Hammadi.” (DVC p. 234)

DVC - “The scrolls highlight glaring historical discrepancies and fabrications, clearly confirming that the modern Bible was compiled and edited by men who possessed a political agenda - to promote the divinity of the man Jesus Christ.” (DVC p.234)

This is patently untrue. This one really makes me laugh. The Nag Hammadi texts were never considered part of the Bible, they date from the thrid century. The Dead Sea Scrolls have noting to do New Testament teaching, they were copies of Old Testament prophets. We know that the Dead Sea Scrolls were put into caves about 100 years B.C. There a absolutely no glaring discrepancies between the Scrolls and the Old Testament, in fact quite the opposite is true. Untill the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls in 1948 the oldest copy of Isaiah in existance was from about 1000 A.D. When the Scroll of Isaiah found at Qumran was compaired with the Scroll from 1000 A.D. there were virtually NO DIFFERENCES.

_____________IDEAS________

*Would it be strange for a 30 year old man to be single?

*It’s the silence of the Scriptures that speak most loudly to this issue. Jesus was never married.

The diety of Christ is a cardinal doctrine of the N.T.

What do the Scriptures Say?

Two important passage to consider:

2 Pet 1:1
"Simon Peter, a bond-servant and apostle of Jesus Christ, To those who have received a faith of the same kind as ours, by the righteousness of our God and Savior, Jesus Christ"

Titus 2:13
"looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus,"

As you know, the NAS'95 is probably the most accurate translation of the New Testament available today. Many discoveries have been made since the translation of the KJV. The "Grandville Sharpe Rule" (very technical) of Greek requires that "God and Savior Jesus Christ" be translated precisely in the way you see it in the above two verses.

There is NO article in the Greek.

Here are a few of passages to consider:
Col. 1:13-20
13 For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son,
14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.
16 For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him.
17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
18 He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.
19 For it was the Father's good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him,
20 and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.

Phil. 2:5-8
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,
7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Heb. 1:1-4
1 God, after He spoke long ago to the fathers in the prophets in many portions and in many ways,
2 in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the world.
3 And He is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of His nature, and upholds all things by the word of His power. When He had made purification of sins, He sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high,
4 having become as much better than the angels, as He has inherited a more excellent name than they.

John 1:1-3
1 ¶ In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
2 He was in the beginning with God.
3 All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being.

Many additional passages could be considered, but these should be enough to prove the point from the Scriptures that Jesus is God. Notice these clear statements:

Col. 1: 16 "For by Him all things were created"
Phil. 2:6 "He existed in the form of God"
Heb. 1:2 "through whom also He made the world"
Heb. 1:3 "He is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of His nature"
John 1:3 - “the Word was God”

There is not a single Scholar that I am aware of that dates these passages to some time AFTER the Nicean council of 325 A.D. These passages existed long before the council put their stamp of approval on the deity of Jesus.The early church fathers accepted all of the above passages as “god-breathed” and therefore as the final word concerning the deity of Jesus hundreds of years before the Nicean council.

(FROM BAR) Constantine was the bad guy who suppressed the earlier (Gnostic) Gospels and imposed the canonical Gospels and the doctrine of the divinity of Christ on the church. In fact, long before the days of Constantine, and even before the Gnostic Gospels existed, the four canonical Gospels were circulating together as authoritative sources in the church. This may have occurred as early as 125 A.D. since Irenaeus knows of this; the Muratorian fragment—the earliest canon list,** dating to the second or third century A.D.—lists the Four Gospels as authoritative for the church; in the second century, the heretic Marcion accepted the Gospel of Luke alone as the appropriate source for knowledge about the historical Jesus. By 325 A.D. the Alexandrian bishop Athanasius in the East and the papal see in the West recognized only the four canonical Gospels, and indeed only the 27 books we now know as the New Testament. It is simply not true that the Gnostic Gospels were suppressed prior to the formation of the canon: They just weren’t recognized as authoritative either by the eastern or western church. Lack of recognition is not the same as suppression.

DVC says “Constantine attempted to eradicate ‘the earlier’ gospels (gnostic gospels) but some survived. The Dead Sea Scrolls were
found in the 1950’s hidden in a cave near qumran in the Judean desert. And of course the Coptic Scrolls in 1945 at Nag Hammadi.” (DVC p.234)

This is another lie. The “gnostic gospels” were never considered genuine and Constantine never attempted to eradicate them.

Another error - Jesus must have been married because he was a Jew.

The DVC calls into question the inspiration of the Scriptures. If you can’t trust “practically everything your fathers every told you about Christ” then practically everything in the Scriptures is a lie.

2 Tim. 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;
17 so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.
1* I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom:
2 preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction.
3 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires,
4 and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths.

In verse 16 the word translated “Scripture” is from the Greek word “graphe” used by the Holy Spirit to indicate the writings of the apostles and prophets of the first century. It is a special word adopted by the Holy Spirit to desiginate inspired writing. Notice:

2 Peter 3:16
“as also in all his letters, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand, which the untaught and unstable distort, as they do also the rest of the Scriptures, to their own destruction.”

Source: http://www.scripturessay.com/q563.html

---
No offense intended to anyone ... but I just couldn't resist addressing this issue!

Poem - I choose Life

2006-03-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

I Choose Life - AnupR

At the crossroads she stands
She beckons
She even calls out my name
She then stretches out her hands
Offering refuge from the doubts and questions
... that plague young minds

And then she says,
"Pain is all that's left
Rejection is all you're ever gonna get
and you may try but you'll never forget
the way she left you bereft

I'm the cure to your misery
I'm the one who can set you free
Just entrust yourself to me
Just spend the night with me"

But I am just down ... not out
and I know what she's talking about
So I hurry right by where she's standing
I don't stop ... not even glancing
And as I pass she hears me saying

"The pain and the worry
Is just temporary
The future's uncertain
... sometimes it does frighten me
But, in your arms if I spend the night
I'd sleep forever
And that just wouldn't be right

Why do you forget
that I'm not only a heartbroken lover
I'm also a son, a friend, a brother
and I'm certainly not in any hurry
... to stand before the Creator

So, hear this, beautiful Ma'm
Listen to me ... and forget not this day
I see right thru your pretty sham
and I don't give a damn
... for what you have to say

I choose life!"

-----
Yes, yes, I know ... I should be studying ... not blogging ... but, all the studying seems to be getting my creative juices flowing too! ... I got this one last night as I lay down to sleep ... and I couldn't help but jot it down ... and what I jotted ... I shared .... :)

Thanks a lot for all your best wishes, dear buddies ... :)
I'm studing hard!

Poem - But its fine

2006-03-15T05:36:00.000-08:00

Poem - But it's fine
by AnupR

I'm in love with a girl who can't be mine
I feel a lil' bit sad
But it's fine

For I don't want to cross the line
Can't risk this friendship going bad
I'm in love with a girl who can't be mine

Daily, for her my heart does pine
It drives me mad
But it's fine

For when she's around, it feels divine
And my weary soul becomes glad
I'm in love with a girl who can't be mine

When she talks, shivers run down my spine
Something so good can be so damn bad!
But it's fine

I won't grumble and I won't whine
It's real and not just a passing fad
I'm in love with a girl who can't be mine

For love is the finest wine
And as its biggest drunkard,
I'm in love with a girl who can't be mine
But it's fine

----
Firstly, thanks a lot CA for the notes u sent on Villanelle ... this was my first shot at something structured ... and thanks for the encouragement, buddy! :)

Secondly, I'd just like to mention that this is something written now, drawing on something I've gone thru in the recent past ... but this is not what I'm in right now ...

I'm no longer 'in love' with anybody ... sad, eh? ... not really .... coz' instead of being obsessed with being in love with that special one ... presently, I'm just having fun ... enjoying the love that's in friendship/family/and other cherished relationships ...

BTW, this is probably gonna be my last post until my exams are over in mid-May. I've got to hit the books ... especially, since my office work has taken over most of my time so far ... and time's running out ...

But, I will drop by occassionally to catch up on what u guys are up to ... and so that u guys don't forget me .... (so selfish, eh?) ... lolz ... :)

And wish u all a very Happy HOLIday ... sorry that I couldn't visit ur blogs individually and wish u ... but, was with the books so far ... and I'm gonna go back to them books as soon as I hit the "Publish Post" button ... :)

Ciao buddies!

Short(?) Story - Just Friends?.

2006-03-11T01:14:00.000-08:00

Eliza: Where were you? You were to meet me here an hour ago!

Alvin: Sorry 'bout that buddy. Was at the Economics lecture.

Eliza: But you've not even opted for it!

Alvin: Actually, Mischa requested me to take notes. She had something to do.

Eliza: Ya. I'm sure she was out shopping, while you were taking notes ... while I was waiting for you like a fool!

Alvin: C'mon ... don't talk about her like that ... you know she's a good friend ...

Eliza: Who are you trying to fool with that load of crap?

Alvin: What do you mean?

Eliza: You are only fooling yourself if you think no one knows.

Alvin: Knows what?

Eliza: That you love her!

Alvin: Whatever gave you that idea?

Eliza: Lets see ... you treat her like she's some princess ... you ignore everyone else when she's around ... you keep going out of your way to try and make her happy ... and I'm really bugged by the way your face lights up everytime she smiles. You look like a pathetic love-struck moron ... you always gaze at her like a puppy adores his master ... If you had a tail, I'm sure it would start wagging as soon as you caught a whiff of her perfume!

Alvin: You're calling your best friend a dog!

Eliza: You didn't have the decency to call and tell me you're running late! ... and you claim to be my best friend! hmph! ... would you ever do this to Mischa???

Alvin: lol ... so, that's what's bugging you ... I'm really sorry ... C'mon lets have lunch ... I'm famished! .... you know that lecture was so boring ........

(During lunch ..... the conversation continues ... )

Eliza: So when are you going to tell her?

Alvin: What?

Eliza: That you love her?

Alvin: Can't we talk about something else? ...

Eliza: She obviously means much more to you than anyone else ... It's clear as daylight to everyone else ... coz' you're the worst actor I know! ... The way you behave when she's around ... the way you treat her ... the way you talk to her ... the way you listen to every word she speaks ... it all points to just one undeniable fact .... You are in love with Mischa!

Alvin: Of course I love her!

Eliza: See, I knew it all along ... You ..

Alvin: Hold on ... I love Mischa, just as I love you. Just as a friend. Nothing more. I love her. But I'm not in love with her.

Eliza: What's the difference?

Alvin: For me, 'being in love' has romantic connotations ... it throws up visions of dreamy-eyed lovers, holding hands and whispering sweet-nothings ... dreaming of eternity while the present slips away ... But, good old 'love' is ... something that's the base of every succesful relationship ... including friendship ...

Eliza: I don't agree. I know that the love parents have for their children is something rock-solid. But, I'm not sure how one can ever really classify what one feels towards anyone else ... I mean, there's attraction, infatuation, affection, even lust ... a combination of these can be easily rightly or wrongly interpreted as love. And you, my friend are saying that you know the difference between 'loving someone' and 'being in love with someone'! Impossible! You don't know what you're talking about ... you just want to continue living in denial ...

Alvin: Look, I never told you that I know the difference. I just said - "For me, it is ..." And what do you mean by 'living in denial'?

Eliza: That you're in love with Mischa and are too afraid to tell her and mess up the friendship ...

Alvin: You just don't understand that there is love in every true friendship, then!

Eliza: So, is there something like false frienships too?

Alvin: I said 'true friendships' because most of the people you call friends aren't really your friends ...

Eliza: Then what are they?

Alvin: Acquaintances.

Eliza: Hmm?

Alvin: Let me explain it this way. You're one of my closest friends... but, I don't consider Sandy or Vicky, or even Bret to be friends ... they are acquaintances ... Coz' though we hang out, share laughs, and freak out almost everyday, I don't really know them ... and they don't really know me ... Friendship takes time and patience, forgiveness and understanding, a lot of trust .... basically, friedship needs love ...

For partying and having fun, their company is fine, but, when it comes to the really important things in life, I only turn to my friends ... like you ... like Mischa ... For I can trust you completely with all my secrets ... I can count on you to just hear me out and not judge me ... I can count on you to criticize me or encourage me and even compliment me to my face ... no nonsense ... I like my acquaintances, but I love my friends ... do you get it now?

Eliza: I'm not totally convinced ... I still think you're only fooling yourself ... In fact, I'm sure Mischa also knows that you like her ... and she's just enjoying the attention and the affection ... after all, who doesn't want attention? ... who doesn't want to be loved?

But, I'm happy for you buddy. You seem so much happier nowadays. So what if you are living in a state of delusion? At least you're happy! Hehe ... lolz

Alvin: You're impossible Eliza ... lolz ... I'll see you tommorow. Same time. Except, I'll be sure to call if I'm running late. Okay? lol

Eliza: Okay buddy. You do that ...

(Eliza watches Alvin walk away ... and ...)

Eliza: I know you love her Alvin. I know you're satisfying your urge to shower love and affection on her under the cover of friendship ... she's enjoying the love, affection and attention ... you're enjoying every moment you spend with her ... But what about me? Should I remain silent or should I end this charade and just tell you ... tell you that I'm in love with you ... my best friend ...
....... Maybe tommorow ....

Monkey Business ....

2006-03-07T00:11:00.000-08:00

For the past 2 months I've been rubbishing rumours that 3 monkeys had taken up residence in my locality ... I mean sure, there are a lot of trees and wide open spaces around ... but this is Bombay, guys! ... there can't be monkeys running around here? ... or can they?

... apparently they can ... here are a few snaps where they're leisurely enjoying the sunset ... just chilling out after a hard day ... even getting some beauty treatment done ...

How did they get here? ... Why are they here? ...

I've got two theories:

1. Join politics -
One of our nation's founding fathers seemed to like monkeys (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil ... does that ring a bell?) ... also, the city does seem to be run by a bunch of monkeys ... banging the desks in parliament, screeching and screaming, throwing mikes and tantrums ... I think they'd fit right in! ... I mean there's no way things could be run in a worse fashion ... so lets give peace and these monkeys a chance ... to run for office ... :)

2. Join the movies -
Seeing movies such as Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings, they probably think they have a chance ... plus they can do their own stunts (if animal rights activists such as Maneka G allow) ... but somehow I don't think Chronicles of Narnia will be rehashed anytime soon by Bollywood ... :) ... but, they do have the attitude of stars ... coz' when I got too close with my cellphone camera clicking away to glory, they snapped and showed off their teeth ... and no, they weren't smiling! ... I've seen enough Discovery Channel and 'When Animals Attack' to know when to run away ... lolz ... :)

A question 'bout life ....

2006-03-03T21:58:00.000-08:00

I was at an office party recently, and despite the fun I was having, a thought flashed ... "this would've been so much better if 'MNO' was here" ... and then I went back to having fun ...

On my way home, I started thinking of what had happened ... I'd missed a dear friend ... but just for an instant ... wasn't I a good friend? ... Sure, I would meet my buddy the next day, and we'd share a few laughs as I recounted the happenings ... so it's not such a big deal ... but that wasn't the issue vexing me ...

... human frailty never ceases to amaze me ... life is precious and oh so fleeting ... life is just so unpredictable ... all the dreams that I've dared to dream ... all these plans that I've dared to draw ... it may all end abruptly ... it takes nine months for life to take the shape of a human ... but it may not even take a few seconds for it all to end ... what then?

"As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth
For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more" (Psalm 103)

... I believe that we're going to a better place after our time down here is up ... but, while I'm still here, I can't help but (selfishly) wonder about how many will miss me when I'm gone ... and if they will miss me ... for how long? ...

I know that it wouldn't really make any difference to me (after I'm gone), but for now, there's something ... call it selfishness, insecurity, wannabe ego boost, a craving for recognition/fame ... or just the reassurance that I've been a significant part of many people's lives ... that I've contributed positvely (added value) to their lives ... that they've loved me ... and they'll miss me ... when I'm gone ...

Isn't the desire to be misssed by someone, a need that's just as basic as the need to be loved? ... or is it just me on one of my melancholic trips? :)

For now, I'm just gonna take every day for what it truly is ... a present ... a gift ... and try to live as best as I know how ... and aim to leave behind pleasant memories in hearts of many ... that after I'm gone, once in a while I'll pop up in their memories and they'll recall fun times ... that they'll associate me forever with pleasant happenings in the past ... that would be my claim to a bit of immortality down here ....

I never promised any answers ... I only have questions ... I just wanted you to think on these lines ... Have I succeeded???

----
Hey Keshi! ... so, I kept my promise and posted it today! :) ... I still think you handled the topic much much better ... but this is the way I am buddy! :)

Slow down?

2006-03-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

I wasn't feeling too well .... nothing serious .... but decided to stay home, rest and also catch up on my studies ... [exams are in May! ... and have hardly studied in recent times due to work-pressure :( ]

After quite a while I took a leisurely stroll on the terrace, and was thrilled to see a beautiful sunrise ... have a look at it urself -

.... and then I had another one of my crazy(?) thoughts ... all sunrises/sunsets are beutiful .... looking at the vast expanse of the sky is always a humbling experience .... there is beauty all around .... but I don't notice it all!

.... mornings - I'm too busy rushing to the office to care about the crisp morning breeze or the chirping birds or the beautiful sky where fluffy pillows race .... and in the evening I'm too preoccupied with the commute to bother about anything else ...

It's just too sad that I needed a trip to Khandala to make me aware of the beauty all around me ... I mean, isn't it a silly thing? ... when u go on one of these excursions, you just can't stop clicking snaps and go "ooh" and "aah" as the sun breaks the grip of the horizon and appears to all ...

.... picknickers from Bombay, while in Matheran (a hill-station retreat) wake up really early and hike many kilometers to one of the "sunrise points" just so they can watch the sun rise in all its glory .... they cheer and clap as the sun rises ... and take countless snaps to preserve those moments ....

.... is the sunrise less glorious in Bombay? .... how come we never notice it in Bombay, but go out of our way to appreciate it when we are out of the city?

All I know is that I need to slow down a bit ... maybe take it down a notch ... appreciate and enjoy this gift of life a lil' bit more ... one sunrise at a time .... what say u????

Poet at work ...

2006-03-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

Well, you guys may not believe this, but I'm considered to be a smart-alec, mischievous, funny and fun-loving at work ... and at the same time I'm one of the most hard(ly)-working(?) chaps in the team .. ;)

To give u an insight into that aspect of my life ... and provide some comic relief, I've set up a different blog to capture some funny moments (or even funny forwards that we enjoyed at work) ...

I must warn u that a few of the posts over there may require knowledge of Hindi ... but, I'm sure that once I start putting up my fav jokes and forwards, my only-English speaking buddies will also enjoy it ...

Here's the link if you're game for it .... :)
9to5

Love ya All my dear friends
Thanks a lot for being around and encouraging me when I was really down ... now I feel my creative streak come alive again!

... Keshi, I really wanna post the article I told u about but it's not yet done ... maybe by saturday? ... I'm just too caught up in work... and u've told me to just chill when too busy, na? :)

- Anup

got some much needed R&R this weekend!

2006-02-26T07:45:00.001-08:00

Yes!!! After a long long time, I took a well-deserved break from routine ......
My family and I went to Khandala (a hill station about 2 hours from Bombay) for the weekend!

Lately I've been working too hard & too much and so haven't been spending too much time with my family. So, I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with them these two days.

We caught up on what's happening, refreshed old memories, shared a few laughs, explored the 'countryside' (the place is a bustling city! .. due to all da tourists) ...:). Guess it was a welcome change for Mom as well as she didn't have to cook ... :)

As I said before, Khandala and the nearby Lonavala are tourist hotspots and so are nothing but bustling mini-cities located in the hills :) I was amused to see the many hotels littered across the hills ... (actually, I was a bit sad as I found it to be nothing but a blatant rape of the natural scenic beauty that must have drawn tourists to Khandala in the first place) ... Yes, the weather is still pleasant and natural beauty does exist in bits and patches .... but what I really enjoyed was the train ride to Khandala ....

People say that the journey is just as important as the destination ... and they were proved right on this trip ... I enjoyed the ride thoroughly ... the refreshing cool breeze through the windows, ranges upon ranges of hills stretched out as far as the eyes could see, crisp greenery in some places and deep dry valleys at other places ... barren land and scorched vegetation seemed to be patiently awaiting rainy salvation ... a misty haze reflecting the rays of the afternoon sun, made
the distant hills shine like a gem-laden patch of paradise ....

... all this made me feel so small in this huge world ... and yet, it made me feel so very blessed to be alive ... Life is such a wonderful gift!

----
A few snaps from the trip:
I’m smiling all da way to Khandala

on to Khandala!

ever feel like a puny tree in a huge universe?

da view from Khandala station

da view from da Hotel

Poem - Just to dream of you

2006-02-22T21:31:00.000-08:00

Just to dream of you - Anup R

I sleep so I can dream of you
I wake up just for a glance of you
But I have to be satisfied with your look of disdain
… where have all the good times gone?

I drink, trying to forget you
I sober up just to talk to you
But I have to be satisfied with the ‘Hello’ you say …
... before you bang down the receiver
… where have all the heart 2 heart conversations gone?

I drive aimlessly …
… another futile attempt to get away
… from you and everything you mean to me
But no matter how much I try
I end up right where I began
… what’s become of all the great plans I had for my life?

So I have another drink …
And drive back home …
And fall into a restless sleep …
... so I can dream again …

-----
This is one of my old (month-old) poems ... posted this today, just coz' Keshi requested a post ... and I can't refuse someone so beautiful and charming and lovely ..... ;) ... lolz ...

Seriously speaking, I added that footnote just so that a few of my buddies such as Elaine don't fret and fume and give me a OTS (one tight slap) for not getting over my ex-flame ... :)

... I have moved on guys! ... but, I still have a bunch of unpublished poems from the messed up relationship ... so, you'll get them gradually, everytime I've got nothing better to post .. ;) lolz ...

Success at work or relationships ... same key to both

2006-02-17T20:54:00.000-08:00

I've learnt just one thing in the 2 years I've been working.

To be successful at work, you must impress the boss.
And to impress the boss you must deliver above expectations.

One may logically conclude that one will have to work hard/work smart/ be street smart (or whatever fancy term is going around now-a-days) to impress the boss.

But, it's not really that difficult.

Just remember to:
1. Lower Expectations:
You're whole life must be centred on Lowering Expectations! It's the most important thing one can ever do. Not only on the job. It's the key to sucess in almost every relationship, including marriage!

Your performance is purely a matter of how the Boss perceives your work to be. You may perform as well or as bad as everyone else, but he will perceive someone has done well, while someone else hasn't. All because he has different expectations from different people. So, if your Boss has high expectations from you, ... You, my friend are screwed! :) You're constantly gonna have to deliver better stuff than others ... and not expect any compliments ... coz' that kind of work has always been expected from you! And if you deliver 'average' stuff, the Boss will think you are getting complacent. And that's even worse!

So, always maintain a low profile. Do your work better than the average co-worker. But, don't do it spectacularly well at the beginning itself. If the Boss spots that, you'll be branded with overexpectation for the rest of your career. Keep the Boss happy by doing work better than others, and keep raising the bar gradually... that way, as the Boss raises his expectations, you too are able to raise your performance accordingly!

The same applies to relationships, including Marriage. Keep the expectations of the wife so low, that she is pleasantly surprised everytime you do something thoughtful. TIP. Do something thoughtful every other week ... or else you're in trouble... :) I often share a joke with close friends ... Love your wife a lot. Tell her that. Show her that through your actions. But still keep her expectations so low, that she's happy to even receive the stem of a rose from you on Valentine's Day ... lolz :)

2. Underpromise. Then Over-deliver:
You are asked to do something. You estimate it will take 1 week. Come up with complex calculations involving many variables and assumptions and tell your Boss, your optimistic estimate of 3 weeks. Make sure you come to the office before your Boss comes in and leave only after the Boss leaves. (Yes, make it a point to greet the Boss daily, and provide updates on how you are tackling unforseen difficulties ... and how you will ensure delivery on time...) Then deliver a superb product in 2 and a half weeks. Won't the Boss be impressed?

Similarly, on a weekend, tell your wife that you will repair that leaky faucet/mow the lawn/other jobs around the house next weekend (with a plausible excuse not to get to it today)... then do it today (drawing attention to the fact that you could've been out there saving the world, but are repairing that leaky faucet that pestered your wife, ... just because you Love Her so much ... aww ...) Won't this Boss be impressed too?

-----
All the above was just fun, guys ... it may have an element of truth that I wanted you to think about ... nothing else ... don't take me too seriously ...( i doubt you'll do) ... :)

Poem - Life's a Bitch!

2006-02-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

Life's a Bitch - Anup R

Life's a bitch
Just one big sales pitch

Perceived abilities gets one hired
But very soon, one gets tired
Of living up to great expectations
& handling the daily trials and frustrations

Delivering one's best gets one no fame no acclaim
Coz' it was only expected
And anything remotely 'average' is not accepted
they say - Surely compalcency is to blame!

Can't they see
what life's become for me?
overexpectations
sucking the life outta me?

Cynicism raises its ugly head everyday
Doesn't listen to reason or anything that I say
It wants me to break free
It wants me to run away

But I'm down with it
I know this too will pass
I'm the one who raised the bar
I'm the one aiming to be a star
No success without some sorrow
or without sweat at the brow
So I'm gonna press on for some more time
I know I'll soon find my rhyme

I love my Life!
Though Life's a Bitch!
One looong sales pitch!

Disclaimer: No offense intended to dog lovers. I love dogs too :)
----
Read my next post if u wanna know what was in my head when i wrote this one ... :)

Of rash drivers ...

2006-02-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

A friend from the office met with an accident on his way back from lunch today. He was riding a bike, and was unable to avoid a head-on collision with a speeding car that was driving up the wrong side of the road. One leg is now in a cast (possible compound fracture), just because of that rash car driver!

I pray that he is completely healed very soon ... and I request you guys to pray for his total healing too!

When I considered the sequence of events, I shuddered at the realisation that it could easily have been much much worse ... Life is unpredictable as it is ... I think we could do without rash drivers altogether ... So, all you drivers out there, please drive responsibly ... one error on your part could turn someone's life upside down ...

Buddy, I pray that you are completely healed extremely fast, and are back with that great smile and cheerful disposition that wins u so many friends (& girlfriends) wherever u go!

Poem - Valentine's Day

2006-02-13T05:13:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day - Anup R

Lying here staring at the ceiling
Trying to make sense of what I’m feeling
I thought I’d accepted that it’s all over
I thought I’d moved on
But, now I’m not too sure

Coz, it’s Valentine’s Day
And to my utter dismay
Fond memories flood my senses
And drive me to my knees

The frustration gets to my head
Something’s gotta give!
I just wanna live!
Your face no longer do I wanna see!
I just wanna be free!
So, I crazily pound the bed
Till the fists ache
Till the heart feels its gonna break
Till I’m knocked senseless ….

And as I’m drifting into oblivion
I ask myself the obvious question …

Why am I …
Still madly in love?
Still missing you?
Still paying for my crime?
Still a poet searching for his rhyme?

I worked on a Saturday, boo hoo...

2006-02-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

I'm too tired to make one of my 'real' posts ... (the well planned, well laid-out ones .... I know that none of them appear to be that way .... but I like to think that ... so, don't break that illusion... :)

I worked on Saturday! Oh the Horrors!

I had a report that was due 'the day before yesterday'... so, I had no choice to but do something I've avoided so far ... work ... on Saturdays.... So, I reached the office around 8.30 am (yes, I like to have an early start). There was not a soul there (except for a rather surprised security guard.... I think I woke him from a pleasant dream or something ..... he he :).

Anyways ... there was no coffee or tea ... so, I just had to make do with water ... I then put on my headphones, cranked up the volume, rolled up my sleeves, .... and sang along ... (look, I didn't have my morning cuppa ... so the sing-along was all I could do to get my senses out of their saturday slumber)

Soon enough I got cracking on my report... and found myself working at quite a remarkable pace ... I guess, not having phone calls to answer, email forwards to check out, coffee/tea breaks with colleagues, colleagues to pester, colleagues to pester u, ..... really improves productivity! ... and all this time I thought the scientists/researchers were wrong !

(BTW, coffee breaks are just to catch up on the latest gossip or do ur part in adding juicy stuff to the grapevine ... But, mostly you just get together with colleagues and bitch about .... just realized that colleagues may read this, so I'll not say who I bitch about .. he he .. ;)

After every two hours, I got up to stretch my legs ... and felt really bored .... I needed someone to talk to ... or just smile at ... sure, I could call someone up ... but, its not the same! ... So, I would get back to work ... thankfully, my music kept me sane ... otherwise the pin-drop silence in the office would have dragged down my spirits ... I'm just too used to having people around, phones ringing, people laughing, chatting, smiling ... even if I don't know anyone ... I feel like I belong! ... part of a clan ... Lesson learnt .... Man really is a social animal! :) ... at least I am! .... Solitude can be soothing only if its self-imposed ... and if there's a crowd to get away from ... perpetual solitude would be Hell!

Anyway, after a home-packed lunch was devoured, I went out of my room, and to my surprised relief, found another soul slaving away at his PC (yes, even he had his headphones on!) .... I realized just how much, misery loves company! :) ... I'm thinking - 'So, I'm not the only one with deadlines' ... I got back to work with renewed vigour ....

The next I came out of my room was late evening around 5.30 and found two more people around ... but, by now, finishing the report was the only thought in my head .... I didn't bother ... just goes to show ... that one can get used to loneliness if one knows there is someone out there ... if there's hope .... but what if u know there's no one out there... or if u mistakenly believe there's no one out there?

Report is finally done at 7.30 pm. Heave a contended sigh of relief ... still has to be edited .. proof-checked even ... but, I'm proud of this baby!

-----
So, I sacrificed this weekend at the altar of work ... what did u guys do?

The Apathy!

2006-02-08T04:30:00.000-08:00

Just the other day, as I endured another seemingly never-ending commute to the office, I witnessed yet another incident that only reinforced my pessimism .... about where the earth is headed ..... soon enough most people will not die and go to Hell .... they will be born into it! ... I guess death would only be a pause in the journey to the next Hell .... bleak times ahead ? I sure think so!

Well, I was seated towards the far end of the packed bus, when I saw them board the bus from the designated exit at the front of the bus, to avoid the crowd that thronged the entrance at the rear of the bus. There they were - an aged couple, frail, wizened and grey ... carrying oversized (and crude) walking sticks to compensate for their lack of balance ... they made their way into the bus with quite a bit of difficulty ... (their walking sticks were not helping matters) .... the crowd made just enough space for them to approach the seat reserved for senior citizens ... but ...

... far from immediately vacating the seat, the two middle-aged men (the imbeciles!) who occupied the seat, ignored the couple and flatly refused to budge ... they ignored all requests from the couple ... and when other commuters requested them, they asked them to stay out of it ... For a couple of minutes, the couple had a really bad time as they could not endure the throng, and were constantly jolted by the insanely plentiful potholes ... (while the two imbeciles were rooted to the seat that was not rightfully theirs). Finally, out of pity, two other commuters (God bless them) vacated their seats and stood up to endure the jolts and the throng that those two imbeciles should've endured!

The sad part is the apathy that I saw in most commuters. While the imbiciles (who were well educated, mind you!) were obvious villains, most of the crowd was no better. Many harsh comments were made ... suggestions that the couple should've taken a taxi if they couldn't handle the crowd (even when it was obvious that they were too poor to afford it) .... on how they were taking up so much space (due to their hunched posture & the walking sticks) and how they constantly bumped into nearby commuters (due to their lack of balance)

This apathy ... the jungle mentality - survival of the fittest ... now pervades all sections of society ... educated, uneducated, rich or poor ... no one cares for anyone else ... if someone has tripped, people walk all over him and view him only as a hindrance in their path ... people either step over him (the kind-hearted lot) or they step on him not even breaking their stride (the normal lot) ... but will anyone help him up? .... No way! No one has the time for that! ... everyone has got some place to go ... some place to be ... someone to meet .... some money to make ....

Well, will those imbeciles never grow old? Are they counting on the world to finish them off in their youth itself? Don't they have parents who are old? How about if someone treated them or their family members in such a manner? Are they ready to handle the apathy that they dished out to others?

I've been here for only 25 years .... but I know one thing for sure ... What goes around comes around ... You only reap what you sow ... hence, if you sow apathy ... you'll reap apathy .... Be sure of that!

.... I remember the (true) sad story of a couple who passed the site of an accident in their luxury car, without stopping to help. Other cars also whizzed by, drivers just giving the bleeding motorbike rider a cursory glance. Pedestrians gathered nearby, whispering amongst themselves, but not offering any assistance.... Apathy at its peak?... Read on ... Well, later that night, the couple got a phone call from the police. Their only son had bled to death after a truck rammed against his motorbike .... and then sped off into the night. He could have been saved, had he been taken to the hospital in time ... but no one bothered to stop and help ... no one had the time ... "let the police handle it" was probably what they were thinking .... Imagine the horror of the couple when they heard the location of the accident! .... They had passed their dying son, and had not bothered to help, just some hours ago.... Thus, they joined the throng of drivers and pedestians who killed the biker just by their apathy ....

I know that this was an extreme example of apathy and its consequences ... but this really happened ... and it saddens me to think of the world that awaits the coming generation ... but, all that could change ... if a few of us stopped living in selfish world and took the time to care for fellow humans ... after all, we may be the ones needing the help someday ....

----
Wow, I rambled a lot! But, I really think it's an important issue ... we need to remember that we are not the only ones who are flesh and blood and who have feelings ... we need a little empathy for our fellow humans ... then and only then is there any hope for the world!

---
I brought a lot of work home today as the office was evacuated today .... a safety measure when a fire broke out near our office building (probably a leaking gas pipe) ... traffic was blocked on the busy road opposite our office and so I witnessed the mother of all traffic jams as I started home ... I walked part of the way and then got a Rickshaw (a three-wheeler taxi cab) home ... guess I'll clear some of the piled up office work tommorow .... there goes the holiday I was so excited about! ... :) ... or is it :( lolz ... I think I love my work ... so it's :) !

Poem - Time to move on

2006-02-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

Time to Move On - Anup R

It's time to put things in order
It's time to put people in their place
It's time for a new beginning
It's time to move on

Eyes - "don't cast a look a around
lest fond memories weaken my resolve"

Ears - "hear, but don't listen to goodbyes
lest tears flood my eyes"

Tongue - "don't say a word today
lest my voice betray the sorrow within"

Heart - "look only to the future that beckons
lest I'm swayed by the love I've known so far"

Its time to confront what I've known all along
Down here, nothing lasts forever

Not friendship ...
... Not even love

Dreams are pleasant ...
... but one can't live in a fantasy forever

So I'll heed the call of life,
Pack up my stuff...
.... and move on ....

-------
This is the first time that I've not paid any attention to rhyme ... thanks for the inspiration ... C Addict! .... :)

Parenthood....

2006-02-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

The world keeps getting messier .... things cannot get better any time soon .... moral standards are lowered every minute .... compromises made without a thought .... show me the money ... just show me the money!

..... parenthood keeps getting complicated .... sex and violence on TV and the net ... rebellion and disrespect is "cool" ... profanity is "cool" ... 'protected sex' is "cool" ... 'designer drugs' are "cool" ... anything goes so long as u are not caught ... and even if u are caught ... it's "cool" ....

Why would anyone want to bring an innocent child into this world? why? .... they would then have to see the world trying to snatch away the innocence and purity from their baby .... see the world trying to corrupt and destroy their very flesh and blood .... all over again .... are they ready to watch their child become what they are today? ... probably even worse??? ... the world is like a raging fire .... never satisfied .... always trying to consume whatever innocence, love and purity that's left .... leaving only charred remains .... of a once pleasant soul ....

Why would you bring a child into this forsaken place?
..... maybe because all hope is not lost ..... the world will seek to destroy, but will not always succeed .... maybe because you get another chance to defeat the world.... living through your child .... maybe because you may be the fortunate parent of one of the few children who were not conquered by the world .... but who conquered the world .... the proud parents of great men and women whose names will be written forever in the annals of human history .... serving as examples for future generations ....

All hope is not lost .... good still exists .... it's just that we cynics have become accustomed to seeing the bad and the ugly, overlooking the good .... maybe we need to change our perspective .... maybe we need a child's help to do it .... maybe ......

-----
Am I high or something? ... absolute gibberish up there, ain't it? :) ..... well, I've typed it out ... so, I'm gonna let it stay ..... :)

I've been tagged ....

2006-01-30T02:59:00.000-08:00

This is the first time I've been tagged... so I'll actually play along ... and since I'm home nursing a cold, and too tired to do anything exciting ... I'm doing this right away! .... (In fact, if I were at the office, where the work is all piled up ... and there's no escape :) , I would have to wait till the weekend to get this tag done... and that may seem rude ... so pls bear that in mind, if anyone tags me and I'm unable to get to it right away....)
-----

Firstly, thank you Lady, for tagging me... :)

The rules of the game are:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

Sex of my perfect lover: Female

The qualities should be:
1. Honest: she's honest ... not just to me... but to herself ... believes in the motto - "To thine own self be true"

2. Trust: would logically follow from the honesty in the relationship.... she trusts me completely and vice versa ...

3. Space: understands that despite mutual trust, we both need space and 'self time'

4. Committed: she's committed to the relationship and has a 'come what may, we'll fight it together' attitude ... (I told u I don't believe in divorces :)

5. Frank: she doesn't play mind games or expects me to read her mind always (sometimes is okay) ... if something bothers her, she's frank about it and addresses the issue immediately... we never leave issues unaddressed for they may simmer inside and explode one day...

6. Not a Nag: Being frank is one thing, but she must not be a nag... tell me once or maybe twice ... but no more ... perhaps she could just write it down and give it to me?

7. Not too pushy: Doesn't try to change me before I'm ready. I know all women will try to change their men and make them better. I'm okay with that. But, she's tactful and not overly pushy about it... gradually I will come around.... :)

8. Loving and affectionate: she's extremely loving and affectionate, with a warm and caring heart ... my precious angel... she reciprocates my love with loads of her own...

But, one very important quality that she absolutely must have is - a sense of humour ... life would be drab if she didn't have that! ....

And the next 8 people are:
Amu
Keshi
Ash
Elaine
C A F F E I N E - A D D I C T
Michelle
Still Figuring Out
The Untrodden

(I know most of them have already been tagged... so I'm the last link of this tag ... hehe :)

The song that's playing in my head right now...

2006-01-27T23:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster... one day I'm strong and ready to take on the world ... and the next day I'm a whimpering puppy crying in the rain ... (exaggerated as usual ;) ... anyway, this song seems to be describing just what I'm feeling right now .... and adds a bit of hope to it as well ... no wonder it's playing on and on in my head ....

"Beauty From Pain" by Superchick
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

Found a link to the song on the net ... you can listen to it here - http://rapidshare.de/files/11997262/06-Beauty-from-Pain.mp3.html

(Copy the link in your browser, Choose the "Free" option, Wait for a few seconds while they reserve a download ticker for you, enter a verification code they flash on the screen and then hit the download buttion)

----
And Elaine, I just listened to ur song ... that was fun ... :) lolz ... thanks!

Poems... I miss You (the trilogy)

2006-01-26T00:56:00.000-08:00

I seem to be having a writers/poets block or something..... or maybe I'm just too flustered coz' another one of the peak work seasons is upon me ... ;) ... whatever.... here are a bunch of incomplete poems (if u can still call them that...) ... I find myself unable to complete them at present.... so sad, eh? .... lolz (overdramatic as usual) ....

1. I miss u....
Out of Sight
.... but still so near
Out of reach
.... but still so dear
I close my eyes
.... and see you there
but when I reach out
.... you dissapear

I still miss you
.... still long to kiss you
Wanna hold you
.... run my fingers thru ur hair

Life's so unfair
.... but I don't care
I still love you
.... with all of my being..... I swear

2. I miss you (reloaded) ....
It's been so long since you left me

But it's only you that I still see
in a hazy mix of dreams and reality

I still long for you... apparently
for my heart just refuses to break free

But the daily recollection of old memories
is a pain that sorely vexes me

I wish I could just live in a dream for eternity
But that's just plain insanity

So what do I do but try to not think of u and me
... not trouble still waters... just let them be ...

For someday love will bloom again
.... on this rugged lovelorn tree

just wait and see....

3. I miss you (revolutions)
I'm all alone
... once again
Fate's cruel look
... of disdain
A tinge of sadness
... a whole lot of pain
But a deep breath later
... I'm singing this refrain...

What don't kill me
Will only make me stronger
And I don't care
If you love me any longer

For the night may be dark
But the stars don't complain
The sun will soon be out
And take away my pain

And I sing the refrain...

What don't kill me
Will only make me stronger
Love me or hate me
But you can't ignore me any longer

You can lock me out
and throw away the key
But you can't kill the love
That's still raging within me

I realize now
That you were never my destiny
I realize now
That it was never meant to be

I believe in love
... that I soon will receive love
I'm already happy
... and I'll soon be set free

----
Yes, I'm a Matrix fan .... ;)
I'm also a fan of The X Files .... but the truth is IN HERE .... :)

Poem - The Fight's on

2006-01-21T05:08:00.000-08:00

The Fight's on - Anup R

In a crowd and yet all alone
He stands still
He's got nowhere to go
He often wishes he had a heart of stone
Coz' he'd not have all these feelings
that lay hidden .... that he dare not show

He's spent the night wide awake
Thinking about everything that's at stake
And though life seems to be one big mistake
He still goes around carrying a smile that's fake

Yes he breathes.... but he's not alive
Yes he hurts.... but he doesn't cry
Yes he bleeds.... but he refuses to die
His wings are clipped.... but his spirit still flies high

So he gathers all of his might
He puts on his armor and rushes back into the fight
From dawn to dusk and all through the night
He strives for what be believes is right

He's still praying....
for the revealing....
of the one for whom he's been waiting
for a lifetime of belonging

----
This poem may not make sense to most. But, it does to me.... :)

Basically, the guy feels lonely and is searching/praying for his soulmate... the one who'll complete him... who'll complement him...who'll love him for who he is... with the same intensity with which he loves her... (the rest will be covered in an upcoming article on marriages that I promised a few buddies.... I'm still working on it... I'm still gathering my thoughts on it... and hopefully you should see it some time the coming week....)

Ciao!

My thoughts on Marriage...

2006-01-19T05:44:00.000-08:00

I think that after the earlier post on affairs, this topic would be most appropriate... so that u have two different perspectives following each other....

On to the article now....
----
Almost every day during lunch, my friend and I combine forces to 'educate' a friend, who is about to get married, on what life is likely to be after her marriage....

We tease her saying that the long and intense conversations she now enjoys with her fiance will dwindle to occasional chats on mundane household matters after marriage (husbands will just nod yes/no to everything the wives say... to avoid getting sucked into a potentially dangerous conversation... the dreaded "Does this dress make me look fat?" is at the top of the list... a close second on the list are any questions on in-laws...)

We caution her against expecting too many compliments or gifts from her husband... Before marriage, compliments may fly thick and fast, but after marriage, the odds are against it! ... (once the husband has reached a comfort level, he no longer feels the need to voluntarily dish out compliments... after all, his feelings have not changed... she's beautiful... he loves her... and she knows how he feels... coz' he's said it so very often in the past!)

And as far as gifts are concerned, wives remember every single detail of a relationship (the first time they met... their first date... their first fight... their first kiss... their second fight.... their second kiss.... their engagement.... their first fight... their first kiss.... their marriage.... their first fight... their first kiss....). They also remember all those important "days" that the evil-card & gift manufacturing conglomerates come up with .... Birthdays, Valentines Day, Marriage Day, World Peace Day, Husbands Day, Wives Day, Tell-the-ones-you-love-that-you-love-them-day.... And they'll give gifts for all these occasions. There's no way that husbands can compete with their wives as far as giving gifts is concerned! What husbands rather should do is give the occasional gifts (purchase them at one time and keep them hidden around the house... so that when you finally remember that it's your anniversary/her b'day you don't have to rush to the nearest mall!) to save your marriage, but nothing more... in fact, if you actually like giving gifts to your wife, make sure that there is no special "day" scheduled, otherwise your wife will expect a gift on every such "day". Lower your wife's expectations when it comes to expecting gifts from you... that way she'll be delighted with every gift you give her... :)

We also tell her that she doesn't really 'know' her fiance and irrespective of the amount of time she has spent so far with him, she only knows one aspect of him ... the good bits of his personality that he wants to reveal... all the other facets of his personality will only hit her a few months into the marriage... Taking inspiration from Shrek, we explain that men are like onions (with a lot of layers ... we're not smelly!...at least not all the time... :) and that as time goes by, the outer layers are peeled off and you arrive at the layers that were hidden so far... and that's when tears start to flow .... ;)

But, jokes apart, let me put down some serious thoughts on marriage.... here is what I believe with all my heart, mind and spirit.... why marriages fail....

Marriage is probably one of the most important steps one takes in this lifetime. It can be a source of the deepest joy or the deepest regret. So one must exercise utmost caution when deciding who you marry. Today I see more and more marriages falling apart over the silliest issues.... I think there are two major reasons for the ever rising failure of marriages:

1. Unrealistic expectations:
This definitely must be a main reason for failure. People enter a marriage with unrealistic expectations. One must be practical.... Stop dreaming! No one is perfect. Everyone has their own unique quirks/problems. If you enter a marriage with the clarity that both are messed up and neither is perfect, you'll be better positioned to accept the facts and deal with it. I believe that such acceptance will help the partners complement each other. Where she is weak, he becomes her strength and where he's messed up, she becomes his comfort. Both have the God-given capacity to heal each other... to fill the void in each other's lives... if only they accept their weakness, their partner's weakness and then commit to be there for each other....

2. Easy escape route of divorce is available:
I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I don't believe in divorce. I think that marriages fail so often because people get married without any real commitment to see it through.... and as the easy escape route of divorce is available, they choose to run at the whiff of trouble! Such people will opt to remarry and try it again with someone else to avoid working on the relationship... Why? .... No commitment! Such people may never realize that they may very well be the problem and not their spouse!

I believe that a marriage would be sucesful, if both partners enter it with the full commmitment to see it through... fully commited to the vow - "till death do us part"... with no easy escape route of divorce available, such partners will somehow strengthen each other and resolve that ... come what may... whatever problems or tribulations... we'll fight it out.... TOGETHER!

I also believe that communication is extremely important for a succesful marriage. Both partners must express (tactfully) their feelings clearly to the other and at the same time suggest reasonable solutions to what is bothering him/her. Even if seemingly petty things are bottled up for a long time, the risk of a potentially catastrophic explosion of emotions rises with every passing day.... For todays couples who have hectic schedules and stressful work lives... try and avoid taking work/work pressure to your home... spend as much time as possible with your family ... just talk to each other... take a vacation once in a while... just the two of you.... unwind together ... enjoy each other's company... keep the lines of communication open at all times ....

Marriage is not an easy/one-time thing... it is a continuous joint-responsibily. Both partners have to be equally commited to each other... and must work at it together... that's why it's extremely important to marry the right person... the one who has a similar outlook on life, love and marriage ... the one who is ready to commit to a lifetime with you....

-----
I must clarify one thing. I believe that my views will generally apply to all marriages. However, in case of marriages where one person abuses the other continually, and is absolutely unreasonable and unrepentant about it, then for the sake of preserving sanity, just walk out of it! No one should continue in an abusive relationship. Of course, one must consider all facts calmly and consult with a third person (a counselor perhaps?) before taking a major step like that.

Peace Out!
Anup

Affairs ...

2006-01-18T08:05:00.000-08:00

Whilst surfing the net for intersting blogs, I came across this one: http://affairstory.blogspot.com/

It's about how an affair with a colleague breaks up a marriage ... it chronicles the consequences from this breach of the sanctity of marriage ... it offers a look at the mind of the man at the center of all this mess...

Start from the first post and keep going... and do go through the comments posted by other bloggers.... some are very nasty indeed... but as these comments come from people who are presently in affairs, or are sons/daughters of families torn apart by affairs, or by spouses of ones who were/are in an affair, they offer a lot of food for thought....

... And while I don't sympathize with the guy .... I do appreciate the honest way in which he has written it all down... the motivation... the feeling... the regret.... the sorrow... This blog, in my opinion captures another aspect of human frailty ...

Maybe someone's marriage could be saved from reading that guy's tale? ....

Businesses that will definitely do well in future…

2006-01-17T05:10:00.000-08:00

Savvy investors can get in on this before the boom begins in these businesses…. I’m just gonna share two … there are many others too… maybe you could suggest some…..

Private Investigators:
With the way moral standards keep declining every day, I think that Private Investigators would rake in the moolah as more and more couples look for dirt on their partners…. Before/After/During the marriage… :) … after all, it’s definitely a good thing to know what you are getting into (rather, what your future spouse has been involved in) before you get married… then it’s understandable to want to monitor your investment (yes, you do invest time, energy, love and affection into a marriage… and money too!)… and of course, you’d like to keep tabs on someone you dislike (marriages/relationships will obviously disintegrate a whole lot more in future... coz' of the dissapearing morals) .... maybe you can screw up his/her present marriage? … I’m so mean, eh? … grr … LOL ;) …..

Of course Private Investigators could also profit from Boy Friends or Girl Friends keeping tabs on each other … maybe they could offer discount schemes to cover both partners? …. And then again, with more parents keeping tabs on children and children keeping tabs on parents and corporates keeping tabs on their consumers and employers keeping tabs on employees and employees keeping tabs on their immediate bosses and colleagues... and so on... the bottom line is that companies that offer the service of Private Investigators have a great future ... so do the companies that manufacture sleuthing equipment... so you better invest in them!

To cash in on this, you can take up a course and try and become a Private Investigator in time to cash in on the expected boom in business..

If you are a Venture Capitalist, gimme money to launch such a Company...

Another devious way these companies could make money is to randomly investigate someone and then use the results to blackmail him/her or their partner…. Although illegal in most countries, this approach is sure to help investigators tide over slack periods… ;) ... and if anyone threatens to sue? ... Investigate them and get dirt on them! Everyone has skeletons in the closet that they'd like to keep hidden... so you have an excellent business model in place!

Medical Services/Clinics:
Accompanying the decline in moral standards, come new life-threatening diseases. Clinics who undertake testing for these diseases will start raking in the moolah once it becomes standard practice for couples planning on getting married / getting into a serious relationship to produce a certificate that they are free from ‘lifestyle’ diseases discovered so far…

(I don’t mean to offend anyone who is afflicted of any such diseases, especially as it may not their fault…there are a thousand ways one may get a disease and then again there are a million ways to die… but the world will just not care…it’s too selfish and perverted to give you the benefit of the doubt) …

Similarly, specialty clinics who will make designer babies will also do very well … (babies who will have the IQ of Einstein, the beauty of Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts or both? :) … are already being designed in labs… and it will only get better (or worse?) as time goes by…

Similarly, I believe there is a new move of couples opting to store their "seed" for future sowing and harvesting... with rising hypocricy, this business should also do well .. (Don't ask me to elaborate 'rising hypocricy'...)

With rising vanity and increasing laziness, the 'miracle workers' who wield the blade and knock off the years/blubber will flourish....

The bottom line is that companies that offer these services have a great future ... so do the companies that manufacture the related equipment... so you better invest in them!

Hope u guys had some fun! .... Do suggest other businesses that you expect to definitely do well in future...

Ciao!

A make over is on the cards...

2006-01-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

I've got this urge to change myself... just to see the change in the way people react to me... rather to see the change in their perception of me...

First on the chopping block would be my frankness... I think a mixture of diplomacy and tactfulness will help me avoid all kinds of sticky situations that my frank nature lands me in... the truth will no longer be 'out there' ... it will be 'in there' .... ;)

Next, tongue-wagging must reduce significantly... people must no longer know what I'm thinking... This must definitely be combined with some way to control emotions so that they don't show up on my face.... at present, you can just have a look at my face to know what I'm feeling... this leaves me very vulnerable.... This definitely must go!

Next, I must convince myself... "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" ... Those who've read my earlier posts will know that I'm in love with being in love... I love the rush it gives me... but it also saps me dry when things go wrong... (after all, all good things must come to an end...) .... So, I must busy myself in my work, studies, hobbies, blogging etc. so that I don't have time to fall in love! ... ;)

I think I need a mean streak in me... I've been too sappy for my own good... Who needs empathy? That's for wimps! I've gotta be a little mean..... grr... I'm gonna start reading the book on famous insults now.... and quote them to unsuspecting victims very soon... grr (some more) ... :)

And very importantly, I'll be hitting the gym as often as I can... to get more grr grr....

I'll keep u posted on any success I have on any of these parameters.... frankly, it'll be a tough ride... grr grr.... (I think I'm changing already! .... :)

----
I'm addicted to love... http://anupr.blogspot.com/2005/12/im-addict.html

A gr8 song comes 2 mind... Don't u want somebody 2 love... Don't u need somebody 2 love... but it's hard 2 find somebody 2 love.... .... grr :)

Poem - You're wrong

2006-01-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

"You're Wrong" - Anup R

If you think I'm broken ... that I can't go on ...
You're wrong ...
If you think I'm weak ... that I can't move on ...
You're wrong ...

It's been too long
since the sun's been gone
and you're the one
who drove me to become strong
So, you're wrong ....

And if you ever think
that I still care for you
that after all this time I still yearn for you
that not a day goes by when I don't think about you
You're wrong.... I wish you were wrong....
I so wish you were..... wrong.....

Poem - Someday

2006-01-15T04:21:00.000-08:00

"Someday" - Anup R

Yesterday we were close friends
and I thought to the heavens I could ascend
I used to wish those days would never end
Now I just wish for some way to make amends

Coz', now you look at me with disdain
and my words do I have to refrain

But, someday I'll grow numb to the pain
Someday I'll stop crying in the rain
Someday my heart will cease to be your domain
Someday I'll fall in love again
-----
I think I need to work on this poem some more.... but for now, I no longer have the luxury to be in love or think about love or write about it.... though I want to :( .... I've got exams to prepare for.... and the pressure at work is mounting .... so, when I get some time, I'll edit this post and make it better....

Results are out....

2006-01-12T00:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess I'm revealing another aspect of my life...... You see, I've been pursuing a really tough professional course... and over the past two years, I've had to deal with failure... I've had to deal with the frustration on having to start over again.... and today, yet again I'm in that very same state.... This is part of the reason for angst and why I always feel that my life is so complicated.... I've got a great (& demanding) job that I like... I like to write stuff to entertain the world (rant and rave, rather!).... and I've got this loose end of the professional qualification, which has so far stubbornly refused to be tied down.... It takes simply too much time and effort! ... and while having that professional qualification will not in any way suddenly fill me with divine wisdom or help me to become Superman and do my job faster or more efficiently, that piece of paper has the potential to make my life so much easier (... more money! ... better designation perhaps? ... ;) Amazing how important a professional qualfication is....!

(Public Service Message - So, kids, study as hard as you can... and accumulate all the degrees and qualifications as fast as you can... so that when you are 'old' like me ;) you won't have any loose ends to deal with.... and you will be free to concentrate on your job and other hobbies such as falling in love ;)

Today, by God's grace and mercy, at least a part of this loose end is now tied down... Yaah! :) I have cleared one of the two groups and have secured an exemption in one paper of the Second group. This means that I have clear 3 papers in May '06 exams and I will have that professional qualification I've struggled so hard to get.... God willing, in just a few months, I'll be a professional! ..... Pray for me world! I need all the help I can get....

Here are the marks I've secured.... they'll show how much I've struggled... and how today, God has been merciful once again....

May'04 Nov'04 May'05 Nov'05
===== ===== ===== =====
Accounts 36 34 36 57
Fin.Mgmt. 45 55 50 40
Audit 42 52 45 52
Law 45 45 50 51
====== === ==== =====
Gr.I Total 168 186 181 200
====== === ==== =====

May'04 Nov'04 May'05 Nov'05
===== ===== ===== =====
Costing 24 39 39 40
MICS 44 50 49 45
Direct Tax 51 56 38 45
IndirectTax 51 39 52 61
==== ==== ==== =====
Gr.II Total 170 184 178 191
==== ==== ==== ====

To get the professional qualification, one needs to pass both the groups.
To pass a group, one needs above 50% in the aggregate (ie. 200 marks out of 400 marks of the group total) and above 40% (i.e 40 marks out of 100 marks) in each subject.

So, even if you get above 40 in each subject, you'd fail to clear the group if you don't get a group total of at least 200. (See, how merciful God was? I got exactly 200 marks this time in the 1st group!)

As a consolation, if one gets above 60 marks in any subject, then he needn't give that paper in the next exam.

So, although I passed in all subjects of the 2nd group, I got just 191 as against the 200 marks required to clear the group. But, I still thank God that He gave me above 60 marks in one subject of the 2nd group. So, I just have to give 3 papers the next time.... With God's help and mercy, I should clear those 3 papers in May 06 and thereby come one step closer to a better life! .... Yaah! .... After the hectic way in which the new year started, this is indeed a great blessing and exactly the shot of confidence I needed at this point of time! ......

Guy-Girl friendship types

2006-01-11T06:57:00.000-08:00

Today I received a really cool forward.... Kudos to the author... whoever he is... (I think a guy wrote it :) ... Here it is!

Guys and girls being "just" friends.
Not always easy, and sure as hell complicated at times.

But yet, its fun. There are things that you just don't talk about with your guy friends.
That's where the girl steps in, sweet, caring, sensitive - the little angels (hah!).

There's also a certain playful element to these friendships that you just can't have with people of the same sex.

Here are some of the types of friendships that exist between guys and girls.

1: The Appeaser friendship
This is when the guy is head over heals for the girl.
Worships the ground she walks on. Praises her all the time. Buys her gifts for no reason.
Loves to secretly smell her hair. Agrees with everything she says, and does everything in his power to see that she is happy.
Now and then gets a pat on the head in return.
Dreams of fathering her children - will never get farther than perhaps having to baby-sit them.
Might also have aspects of a Use-and-abuse friendship.

2: Leave-you-hanging friendship
Guy sees girl. Guy thinks girl is cute.
Guy becomes friends with girl. Guy tells girl his feelings for her.
Girl acts surprised. Girl might say "I'm not ready for a relationship right now".
Girl conveniently forgets to mention that she doesn\'t like him in that way, and never will for that matter.
Girl and guy still remain friends. Guy is hoping girl will eventually fall for him, or will become "ready" for a relationship. Never happens.
Girl is just happy with the attention he lavishes on her - ego boost.

3: The Missed-Chance friendship
Guy and girl are great friends. There always was a spark, the chemistry was there.
For reasons unknown to them, they always held a special place in each other's lives.
No one acted upon it though, and before you know it, girl gets married.
Guy is still friends with girl - thinks the world of her.
Friendship grows even stronger.

4: The Relationship-that's-not-quite-a-relationship friendship
Guy and girl think they are best friends.
While in fact, they are in a non-physical relationship.
They do everything a couple does. Go to movies together, have candle-light dinners, strolls on the beach, endless phone conversations etc etc.
But no one has admitted their feelings.
Both are in denial that there is anything but a friendship going on.
The rest of the world is sure they are going out.
For the life of them, they can't understand why.

5: The Use-and-abuse friendship
Guy is in love with girl.
Girl knows this and loves the power she has.
Takes advantage of poor guy, who is more than happy that he can be off service to her.
Girl uses guy cruelly, and the best part is, she gets him to 'volunteer' to do things for her. How?
"I have to drop off my dirty laundry to the laundromat. But I'm so tired. I wish I didn't have to go?" Followed by fluttering of the eyes.
Before you can say "use-and-abuse", guy is already racing to the laundromat with her clothes.

6: The Complain-a-friend friendship
This is where the girl only remembers the guy, when she needs to complain about something.
She calls him, or meets him, simply to vent her problems.
Guy may try to slip in something about himself, but girl is too self-absorbed to realise that, and brings the topic back to her problems.
Girl keeps guy in check by telling him what a great listener he is, and none of her other friends are like that.
Guy gets his doggy biscuit.

7: The By-my-rules-only friendship
This friendship can be in conjunction with any of the other type of friendships.
Girl will only meet guy on her terms.
Girl has full rights to cancel appointments that she made herself last minute.
Girl also doesn't need to return any calls made by the guy, but guy must be available at the snap of her fingers.
Guy should expect nothing, except what girl decides to offer him.
Take it or leave it.

8: The cozy friendship
This is when guy and girl are great friends.
They're totally comfortable in each other's company, and have deep respect and trust for each other.
They can speak their mind, and be at ease with silence.
They don't get overly emotional, and respect each others space and time.
Can talk about absolutely anything under the sun.Guy and girl don't think of each other in a romantic way - never crosses their mind.
Has the potential to become ugly if one of them does start developing feelings.

9: The Hit-and-run friendship
This is an explosive friendship.
Guy and girl become friends very quickly.
They spend an insane amount of time together, and really dig each other's company.
Guy thinks girl likes him, and is leading him on.
Makes his move and professes his love for her.
She runs like there is no tomorrow.

Appendix: The ex-lover friendship
This type of friendship doesn't exist. Don't fool yourselves.
A guy and girl can't be just friends if they had a history together.

-----
This was a real fun forward, and reminds me about the article I wrote ... http://anupr.blogspot.com/2005/12/loving-friend-recently-i-joked-that.html
I feel that more often than not, guys and girls can't really be just friends.... and having a checklist like in today's post (although humorously tackled) would help a lot of people to identify the kind of friendship they're in.... they could avoid the heartbreak that yours truly went through recently....

Looking back at my own friendship that went wrong, (although I never told her that I loved her romantically, and although I will never know whether my affection for her was within the boundaries of friendship), I think that based on the checklist on today's post, it would be the following mixture -
1: The Appeaser friendship
The guy is head over heals for the girl. Worships the ground she walks on. Praises her all the time. Agrees with everything she says, and does everything in his power to see that she is happy. Now and then gets a pat on the head in return. ....... (this just shows that I liked her very much and wanted to see her happy.... not that I loved her romantically! :)

8: The cozy friendship
The guy and girl are great friends. They're totally comfortable in each other's company, and have deep respect and trust for each other. They can speak their mind, and be at ease with silence. Can talk about absolutely anything under the sun. Has the potential to become ugly if one of them does start developing feelings. .....( read yesterday's post on how things really got ugly! :)

9: The Hit-and-run friendship
This is an explosive friendship. Guy and girl become friends very quickly. They really dig each other's company. Guy professes his love for her. She runs like there is no tomorrow. ..... (I'm sure the author was talking of the guy professing romantic love for the girl.... in my case I professed a strong sense of affection for the girl.... and it still had the same effect! She ran like there's no tommorow! :)

Hope u had a few laughs! Ciao! Anup ;)

Never confess.....

2006-01-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

For those who want an update on how things are with my muse…(after the breakup in December)

Although we do see each other everyday on the daily commute, we no longer acknowledge each other. We don't sit adjacent to each other anymore and we are not on talking terms anymore. Suddenly there is a huge chasm between us, and neither of us seem inclined to bridge the divide.

I did apologize to her the first day we met in January, but was met with a look of utter disdain. That was the first time I ever saw her like that.... and it took a while for the shock to die and the hurt to set in..... but it still hurts every day that I see her.... every day that we pretend to be complete strangers.... every day that we maintain an awkward silence.... It's amazing how quickly things change.... nothing can ever be taken for granted.... I remember the times when the commute seemed so short, as we shared our opinions, fears, hopes and secrets..... now the commute seems endless..... without her laughter.... now the commute seems gloomy..... without her smile..... I feel all alone..... once again.....

(For the record, I’m sorry just for the hurt/betrayal she felt when I confessed my affection for her. I’m not at all sorry for having those feelings for her… after all, I never planned to care for her so much…. it just happened over time… and I have no control over who my heart chooses to like or dislike…)

I gave up trying to patch things up in a couple of days…. I’ve accepted the cruel facts…. She has made her choice…. She can’t come to terms with the fact that my affection for her may surpass the obscure boundaries of friendship….. So, she has walked away from it all…. without giving me a chance to explain….that I never expected anything more than her friendship…. I never wanted her to care for me more than she already did...... I just wanted to be her friend …. someone she could trust….. someone she could talk to....... but she no longer trusts me…… and she no longer talks to me...... So, she’ll never know exactly what she means to me…. Coz’ I’m
still in the process of figuring out exactly what she means to me…. I definitely care for her…. But I still don’t know how much…. so I don’t know if my affection for her is within the realms of friendship or not …… I’m still so damn confused!…..

But, one thing I'm sure of.... I'm not a bad person.... and I've not changed..... It's just her perception of me that's changed..... (and I accept that) ..... I've always been honest with her (I still am) .... I've always valued her above all other friends (I still do) ..... I've always treated her with respect (I still do) ..... and I've always wanted to see her happy (I still do) ..... As far as I know, my only mistake was confessing my affection for her.... But, so what it I developed affection for her? … Couldn’t she just let me be?….. Was it such a colossal crime? ….. Couldn’t she just accept the fact that I care for her and let things be? ….. After all, I only said what I did, as I know how fleeting life is.... I didn't know if I'd ever get the opportunity to say it again ..... and look how right I was!

But, I’m not gonna beat myself up over this any more…. I’m not going to dwell on this any more ….. I just want her to be happy….. so I’m gonna give her what she believes she needs…. space…. time… my farewell .... (time to change the timings of the commute, I guess!)

I consider myself blessed to just have known her... for spending as much time as I did with her.... and though she despises me, I still care for her.... and though she no longer considers me as her friend, I will still be a faithful friend to her..... she's still my muse.... my friend.... she'll live on in my memories.... my poems.... my prayers.....

Confess your love....

2006-01-08T04:35:00.000-08:00

The following is a very beautiful forward received recently.... while it may hold true for some.... in my life..... it hasn't!.... yet! ;) .... My next post will highlight how things can go awry and life can turn u upside down.... just coz u were foolish enough to let someone know that u care....

Now, here's the forward....

10th Grade
==============
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me.
She was my so called 'best friend'. I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine.
But she didn't notice me like that and I knew it.
After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before.
I handed them to her. She said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don t want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
=============
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her.
She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart.
She asked to come over because she didn't want to be alone, So I let her.....
As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine.
After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go home.
She looked at me, said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek..
I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don t know why.

Senior year
=============
One fine day she walked to my locker.
"My date is sick" she said, "he's not gonna go" well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as 'best friends'.
So we did.
That night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step.
I stared at her as She smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes.
Then she said- "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don t want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy,and I don't know why.

Graduation.
==========
One day passed, then a week, then a month.Before I could blink, it was graduation day.
I watched as her perfect body floated like an angelup on stage to get her diploma.
I wanted her to be mine-but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it.
Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat,and cried as I hugged her.
Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said- 'you're my best friend, thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Marriage.
========
I sit in the pews of the church.
That girl is getting married now and will soon drive off to her new life, married to another man.
I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it.
But before she drove away,she came to me and said 'you came !'.
She said 'thanks' and kissed me on the cheek.
I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Death.
======
Years passed by...
I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my 'best friend'.
At the service, they read a diary entry she wrote in her high school years.
This is what it read:"I stare at him wishing he was mine; but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me ! .........

"I wish I did too...", I thought to my self, and I cried.......

***Do yourself a favour, tell her/him you love them. They won't be there......forever ***

-----
But, before you rush out and tell someone that you love them.... read the next post, think about the consequences, and then take your decision. But, I maintain that, family members should definitely be told of your affection for them.... of your love for them.... and of your gratefulness for their just being there for you.... there is absolutely no wrong that could ever come from that.... it's just when you rush out to confess your love for someone else.... that you need to be careful.... move on to the next post for details.....

I'll be gone for a while...

2006-01-01T04:41:00.000-08:00

Well guys, I've got a bunch of exams lined up in Jan (almost every Sunday in Jan).... so I won't be able to blog as much as I'd like to.... God willing, I hope to return to active blogging in Feb.

But, till then, here's something that bothered me recently......

Yesterday, on New Year's eve at around 7.30 pm, a neighbour's married daughter passed away. She was just 26 years old. She'd lost her child to complications during the pregnancy, and was in a coma for a while. So, while the world was celebrating the advent of the new year, you can only imagine the grief her family was enduring.

I know that there will always be someone suffering, while some are rejoicing. Some will be going through the worst time of their lives, while others are at the peak of their success. That's just life... This earth is certainly no Paradise.... so we can never honestly expect every single person to be happy at any given point of time.... Having said that, you will ask - "You've stated the obvious..... so where are you going with this post?"

Just one thing actually...... As we all know how short and how unpredictable life is, I believe we must let the ones we care about.... that we do.... Sure, they probably may have figured it out by now,.... but as we can never know the number of days destined for us or for our loved ones, I believe that it's best if we let them know about our feelings today.... lest we miss the chance tommorow..... and regret it later.... At least it won't do any harm.....

I'm sure you've heard this many many times before..... but, I'm just hoping that this reaches someone who has not taken the step to let a dear one know.... that you care.....

Peace Out!
Anup
----
Some musings -

I lay it on the line always..... I'm frank.... often too frank for my own good :) .... and I tend to get a bit too emotional at times ..... I can't stand having people upset with me.... I love to make people smile and tend to go overboard to make people happy.... I'm not someone who likes to bottle up emotions... they come out.... plain as day on my face.... or as rantings n' ravings on the blog.... This is not a good combination! ..... I'm a bit extreme now.... will try and achieve a balance in life.... Well, at least I know my problems.... With God's help, I'll tackle them all.... one after another! ..... On to 2006! ........ CHARGE!!!

& 2006 begins.....

2005-12-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

Mom, Me and Dad after we came home from church

Considering the way things have been going, I was looking forward to Church on New Year's eve. I wanted to end the year by casting all my cares, frustrations and confusions on God.... asking for forgiveness and strength to carry on .... And I did just that! .... Now I feel so much better..... This was the ideal start to my New Year! .....

It's strange.... the last few years, I played my part as the teenage rebel.... never wanting to go to church (or any other place, for that matter) with my parents..... but this year, I was actually looking forward to spending such quality time with the family.... guess I'm starting to realize the importance of enjoying what I have..... Sure, I'll freak out with friends sooner or later.... but a family is a beautiful thing.... a wonderful blessing..... not everyone has that.... and the ones who have one should definitely enjoy it.... make the most of it.....

Thought for the day - "Your merit will take you to great heights.... but your charecter will decide how long you stay there.... Be humble!" This is what my Mom told me recently... and as I'm hoping & praying that 2006 will be a year in which I will enjoy great break-throughs, .... I'd better work on the humilty part!...... ;)

Dedication...

2005-12-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

So many bloggers are reviewing the year 2005.... guess I should at least summarize my year for posterity.... Slogged at studies... got a job... slogged at work.... slogged at studies as well as work.... got a new job.... slogged even harder at work... continued slogging at studies.... met some great people at work.... became friends with most of them... became close to a select few.... that made the work seem easier.... continued slogging at studies.... fell in love.... tried to convince myself it wasn't love.... confused myself thoroughly..... fell out of favor.... still in love.... but both have gone separate ways.... still in love.... continue working harder than ever at studies as well as on the job.... only way I can forget her..... still in love....

(This review must have made ur life seem much much better than the angst-ridden life of this guy, right?.... I certainly hope that my blog makes someone else feel a little better about their own life.... That's one of the purposes for all this..... I like to believe that I am an entertainer.... Are you not entertained? (I remember hearing such a line in the movie - Gladiator....) Hope you had fun.... ;)

I dedicate the year 2005 and all the posts made in 2005 to my beautiful muse. She's the one who awakened the sleeping poet in me.... I owe the bulk of my posts to her.... I love her immensely (not romantically, silly!) and adore her daily..... All I have to do is close my eyes, and I can see her beautiful smile....I can hear her laughter even in my dreams.... she calms my soul.... she inspires me to be a better person.... she's awesome! ..... I am blessed to have met her... to get the chance to know her..... my muse..... she's the best! ..... my muse.... she's my best friend!....

Happy New Year to one and all!

Happy New Year!.... the breakup.....

2005-12-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

A letter to someone I love.... someone who doesn't know I exist.... someone who doesn't care to....

Dear ...

Standing at the threshold of the new year, I hope you take the time to consider one last monologue......

I always felt that I would never amount to much in your life (coz' we're world's apart.... your're a super cool girl with a funky demeanor, with loads of friends and many more pining to know you....you're so instantly likable! I'm just another face in the crowd....the shy one...the introvert who pretends to be an extrovert....the dreamy eyed hopeless romantic...the emotional fool....the one who wants to escape from all the hustle and bustle to an island with the special one destined for him...) But I let my emotions (yet again!) to wreak havoc on my otherwise plain life. And I found myself unable to maintain the emotional distance that's so essential in this crazy world....Without my knowledge or consent, you have cornered a special & everlasting place in my heart.

Unforunately, you don't seem to understand me at all. All that has motivated me so far was the thought of seeing your face light up with happiness. I've always tried to bring a smile to your face.... to brighten up your day.... by doing all I can to please you, in the little time we spend together..... But, yet again, you have misinterpreted my actions..... How could you ever believe that I would do anything to hurt you? Don't you see that it hurts me much much more to see you hurting! I can't bear the thought of seeing you sad. I can't believe I'm in love with someone who doesn't know me and doesn't even care to know me.... someone who is too busy chasing her dreams in a world of her own... too busy to appreciate my heartfelt gestures.... too busy to even show a bit of affection to me ..... too busy to even acknowledge my existence...?

I can't go through something like this ever again....the hurt is more than I can bear... I am through being an emotional fool. I can't afford to hurt myself anymore.... I don't have the strength, persistance or courage to love anymore..... My soul has borne the brunt of my failures for too long now... I think it's time for me to get some rest.... I know I must become stronger.... So while I'll always have a special place in my heart for you, next year on, I'm gonna leave you to enjoy your world fully. I won't be a distraction anymore. I won't trouble you anymore. I'm gonna take two steps back, turn around and hope and pray that I forget what you mean to me.... This way, I hope to avoid unnecessary complications and thereby transform myself into a better person.... It's best to end all this today, and look forward to better things next year.... than to continue in uncertainty until the wheels of time crush all carefully nurtured dreams....

Farewell my dear lady.... May you always be happy.....

Wishing the very best for you always,
Anup
-------
Poem - Happy New Year

As the clock strikes twelve
and the world rejoices the start of a new year
I think about us and wipe away a tear
I still wish you were here

I wish you never have any fears
I wish you never have to shed any tears
I wish love and joy surround you always
Both tonight and for all your days

Wish you a very Happy New Year
My lovely lady.... my dear...
- Anup
----
A few more lines -
May God shower us all with countless blessings today and forevermore.....
May peace and love fill our hearts and may all our motives be pure....
May angels wipe away each and every tear
As we all start a brand new year!
- Anup
-----
I haven't been feeling too well lately... is it the weather outside or the state of my heart, or a mixture of both? I have no idea.... But, in this time of sadness and mild depression, I found great solace in the encouraging words of so many friends I never thought I had.... It was an eye-opener and a healing balm.... I must be doing something right after all.... God has blessed me with so much.... and so many great friends.... I am blessed indeed..... Now on I must look at what I have and be thankful for it.... rather than cry about what I've lost or what I could have had....

Happy New Year, world!

When she hurts, I hurt.... literally! :)

2005-12-27T09:12:00.000-08:00

Today, I experienced something really really strange.... Soon after I heard from someone that a very dear friend was upset with me (yes, this has everything to do with yesterday's "sorry" post!), I started to feel very very sick. I mean, really really quick! Suddenly I'm getting the chills.... soon fever drops by.... and a headache too joins the party!

Add all these physical manifestations to a heart that's already burdened with just the thought of having hurt a loved one....a heart that's already busy reconciling itself to all the dissapointments and frustrations of this crazy existence..... and you get.... depression!.... Deep sadness and uneasiness dragged down my spirits and suddenly I felt completely empty.... so completely useless.... so damn selfish! I popped a few pills, but they did no good... I lay about wallowing in self-pity and regret, not knowing what to do next..... frustrated with God-alone knows what! ...... When she hurts, I hurt.... literally! :)

Thankfully, a senior- a mentor- a friend, took the time to talk with me... and though I revealed scant details on exactly what's bugging me..... (coz' I really don't know! I am still trying to figure myself out... what makes me tick?) .... I actually felt better at the end of it all....

I realize that I must no longer serve distant neighbours at the expense of the nearest.... I've always tried to bring joy to others anyway I can.... even when I'm breaking up inside.... trying to drown out the sighs of my soul in the laughter that surrounds me.... But, now I must be true to myself.... I must learn to prioritize my life... to ease up and chill out once in a while..... I must no longer let stuff fester inside me and eat me up from the inside..... otherwise the real me will soon cease to exist, and all that will remain is a frustrated, confused, empty shell of a person, with an abyss in the place of a soul..... God have mercy on my troubled soul!

I plan to use this blog even more and more as an outlet for my confusion and frustrations and even the victories that will definitely come my way! .... coz' I can't always hope to find a friend around when I'll need one. In any case, I don't want to use a friend as an emotional punching bag... I'd rather entertain others and make them feel better about their lives by letting them read about my messes ..... :)

Seriously speaking, I know that praying about the matter would definitely be the right thing to do... and I'm doing that.... right as I'm typing this out..... But, thru this blog, there will be a record for posterity... that I've been there and there and there..... and in the end it wasn't too bad.... not too bad at all.....

I know that I consider my life to be a very bad mess.... and that's just coz' everyone feels that their problems are the greatest... that their trials and tribulations are the most severe..... but I have to admit that my life is much much better than so so many others.... and I need to remind myself of this fact more often.....

------
For those who wonder why I try to entertain others so much..... I really love seeing people happy.... smiling..... enjoying themselves.... even if its at my expense..... I guess its just a reflex action of sowing happiness in the lives of others (a kind word or a silly joke maybe?) in the hope of reaping happiness someday! After all, what goes around, comes around.... right?

Help me Lord! I'm floundering without U.....!

When you say "Sorry"

2005-12-26T08:05:00.000-08:00

Today I complicated my life some more (as usual ;). I admitted to a truth that should have remained hidden. The truth was gnawing at me from the inside .... and I just had to get rid of it! I had to get it out and get on with life...... Unfortunately, the truth hurt someone very dear to me... and though I wish there were some other painless way in which I could have let that person know the truth,...... there just wasn't!

The normal course of action to rectify the situation would be to say "I'm Sorry" and hope that those words weave together the broken strands of the relationship. But, I'm wondering ..... I mean .... Why must I lie and say "I'm Sorry" when in fact I'm not? ... It would just serve to negate the original truth that I confessed to... the original truth that landed me in this soup in the first place! What I confessed to was the truth... in all its naked and yet vulnerable glory. I'm not ashamed of it all. But should I do what so many men have done since the dawn of civilization.... lie (say Sorry) to save a relationship?

I believe that one should be honest in every relationship.... but it is so damn easy to just lie and say "Sorry" to sort out unpleasant stuff and start over! But, instead of confronting/dealing with the underlying issue, one sidesteps all the complicated stuff and continues a relationship just because it seems to be working. So, will such a relationship (where the truth is conveniently overlooked) last long? .... or will it eventually crumble .... as the truth cannot remain hidden forever? And is the trade-off worth it? I'll never know..... coz' I end up screwing up relationships left, right and center due to this strange tendency to be brutally honest.... This is something that I'm gonna have to work on.... it will definitely make it to the winding list of New Year Resolutions!

While I still believe that the truth is highly overrated (as I'll doubtless see over the coming week), I absolutely refuse to say Sorry for something I'm not.

Wait a second.... it just struck me that I don't have to apologize for saying the truth.... I can just apologize for the hurt that the revelation of the truth caused! So, this is how I will apologize.... "I'm Sorry that I caused you so much hurt.... I can't stand seeing you this way.... I hope you can forgive me." Simple, honest and yet effective? Only time will tell.... I'll keep you guys posted!

And while we are on the subject of apologies.... have you ever wondered .... that in case of people who apologize for some wrong they have been caught doing..... are they sorry for having done that wrong? Or are they just sorry that they got caught? ..... ;) Makes you wonder, eh?

How I spent Christmas day....

2005-12-25T03:42:00.000-08:00

Well, this was the most calm Christmas day I've spent in quite a while. Generally, Christmas day would be spent with a whole lot of relatives (either me visiting them or vice versa). But this year, I spent it just with my family. We sampled (actually I pigged out... while the rest of the family sampled) Mom's special holiday recipies and had a great time at that!

In the afternoon I watched the movie, 'Love Actually' on TV.... and it's awesome, even watching it the second time round! I'd like to thank a dear friend for suggesting that movie in the first place... And after that, I caught a bunch of flicks (Santa Clause, Starship Troopers) as well as some cartoons, simultaneously, by using the remote like a deadly weapon! :)

Basically, after a long long time I took a break from studies. From tommorow, its the same routine of studies, work and some more studying... so I just chilled out today... Maybe next year I'll do some partying.... but this year, I wasn't really in the partying mood at all..... I wonder why? Guess I need to settle down in life.... God, I need your help soooo bad.... Help me in tying off the loose ends in my life!

An open letter to God on Christmas eve

2005-12-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

Dear God

Another year has flown by and I just want you to know that I am grateful. I may not have said it out loud too often. In fact I've often used my poetic license to rant and rave about my existence. But you know my heart. You know that I consider it a blessing to come back home safe and sound every single day, in a world which is filled with so much hate, suffering, death and destruction. In a world where lives are snuffed out for no apparent reason, it is nothing but your mercy and protection that has kept me alive so many years. And I am thankful for it all....

All your mercies are too many to recount, and I'm not even aware of the bulk of them, as you work silently in the background, looking out for me, protecting me and loving me inspite of what I am. I've failed too often to live up to the high standards you've set. But I pray that you help me as I try day after day to be the man you want me to be.

I'm especially thankful for life, for good health, for a family that loves me, for a home (and not merely a house), for true friends who care for me, for co-workers and bosses who make life a bit easier, and so on..... But I'm thankful most of all, for your patience, forgiveness, love and mercy despite my countless sins and rebellions. I'm trying, Lord! Do help me live right!

For the new year, I especially need your help in the following areas:
- Let me be an attentive listener
- Let me not speak unnecessarily
- Let me discharge all my responsibilities faithfully and excellently
- Let me always, both be and appear to be free of all evil and malice
- Let me lead a disciplined and mature life henceforth
& Please don't let me arouse or awaken love until it so desires

Amen!

----
I wasn't feeling well tonight, due to which I couldn't go to mid-night mass for Christmas. But, I'm praying to God right now for His help..... tonight and for the coming years that I may be transformed into a better person.

I found a couple of good booklets on various issues. I'll be going through them after I publish this post.... if you are interested, have a look....

about the spirit world
http://www.rbc.org/ds/sworld.html

about contemporary issues such as - Why are we here?, AIDS, The Da Vinci Code etc
http://www.rbc.org/ds/issues.html

Main Index
http://www.rbc.org/ds/topics.html

Merry Christmas to one & all!

Peace Out!
Anup

why honesty leads to greater bonding

2005-12-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

Is this a blinding flash of the obvious or what? (Yes, I too am a fan of Dilbert!)

The more honest you are in any relationship; the more you open up to someone and share your opinions, hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears.... the more vulnerable you make yourself. It is the awareness of the fact that someone has lowered their defenses/shields and trusted you with their secrets, that leads to a greater bonding..... and ultimately an excellent relationship based on mutual trust.

Pls be patient with me

2005-12-24T04:46:00.000-08:00

This is an open letter to a very dear friend...... I told you all that I always complicate stuff.... but this is an attempt to uncomplicate matters....

Dear.....
I recall you once asked me - "what is love first of all.... and how does one fall in love?" I didn't have a ready answer then, but I'll try and answer it today, in my own quirky way... :) But, after that, I'll address an issue that we both are aware of, but were afraid to tackle to avoid complications in an otherwise wonderful friendship....

I believe that love arises due to a combination of various factors. Hormones are high on the list! :) But, that is followed closely by the attraction one feels towards someone. One may be either attracted to someone's appearance (purely physical) or to someone's nature/personality (combination of physical appearance as well as behaviour). Sometimes one also feels that one is in love due to the gradual building up of emotional attachment with passage of time.

Take my case for instance. From having a crush on you due to your physical beauty and charm, my feelings graduated to intense affection due to your warm personality, confidence and inner strength. I've confessed my love for you as a friend.... and it just grows deeper with every passing day.... you are just so good to me.... so understanding, supportive and insightful....u make me want to be a better person.... but at the same time, I'm worried that I'm getting too emotionally attached to you for my own good.

I don't wanna do anything foolish and jeopardize such a beautiful friendship... And I'm aware that lately I've come across too strongly in my display of affection for you... so strong that you must surely have considered that my fondness for you has gone beyond acceptable limits for a friendship. Heck!, even I'm amazed my immaturity in handling the situation... I've got no excuses for it... just that I've never emotionally bonded with someone as quickly as with you and I've never developed such closeness and affection for anyone as in case of you. You are one of my closest friends and I don't wanna screw up the friendship. I value your friendship too much to throw it away to confusion/delusions.

I know you've ignored my immaturity so far as you don't want me to go through the heartache you once experienced yourself. That just shows the gem of a person that you are. But, I don't wanna push you to the brink. I don't wanna be overbearing about my concern for your wellbeing. I believe that the intensity of affection that I feel for you will gradually settle down to acceptable levels with the passage of time (just like stock market indices that settle down at lower levels after soaring to gr8 heights over a short time). Pls gimme some time. I promise you that my childish behaviour will cease. I hope that you are patient for a little while longer so that I get used to our friendship and gradually become a mature and dependable friend.

With Love,
Anup

I'm an addict.....

2005-12-22T09:01:00.000-08:00

(I'm sure that the subject caught ur attention.... :)

Why do people do drugs or booze themselves silly? Obviously to get a "high"! For the benefit of people who don't do drugs or booze, I conducted painstaking research into what a "high" is. (I chatted on the subject with a girlfriend on this matter... and it was a pain! that's why the research was so painstaking ;)

I believe that the "high" experienced on ingestion of the aforementioned substances (just tried to appear professional here... this will pass :) is a sense of complete detachment from all responsibilities... a dulling of ones senses to traditionally ingrained inhibitions. Basically, one temporarily enjoys a new and improved (often twisted) perception of reality.... where nothing is impossible and no boundaries exist... where everyone is having fun and the world is nothing but one big PARTY!

And who doesn't want to get away from the problems that shroud our earthly existence? I know I do! But, being brought up in an orthodox family, under extremely strict supervision, I never could "escape from reality" by doing drugs or booze. (The fear of getting caught was simply too great!) So, very early in life (last year), I discovered that I could get the same "high" without doing either drugs or booze and best of all, I could never be caught as there is nothing that can detect the presence of this substance in me.

Before I tell you about this discovery, let me tell you about the "high" that this substance gives.... its a mixture of peace, joy, immeasurable happiness and the feeling that the world is an awesome place to live in....one starts looking at the world through rose tinted glasses, sunrises seem prettier, people seem nicer, sunsets make u all misty-eyed and so on..... However, one also feels vulnerable and weak, slightly insecure (depending upon the dosage) and may also suffer from heart palpitations. But, these effects aren't as serious as some of the effects of designer drugs that the kids are taking now-a-days ( rather, now-a-daze?)

I'm sure u r really curious by now.... are you ready to sample my discovery? Are you ready to.......... fall in love?

Yes, I've discovered that being in love gives one a better and longer lasting "high" than others derive from substance abuse... It's true... Try it!

When u are in love, you are so preoccupied by the thoughts of that special one, that u don't give a damn about the rest of the world... u build ur own world with that loved one becoming the centre of your universe... that's why the small and insignificant problems of the world stop bothering you.... when u r in love.

When u r in love, u feel invincible. U feel immortal. U feel super-charged and ready to tackle anything. When u r in love, people seem nicer (as you don't pay attention to them and their irritating quirks), sunrises and sunsets seem awesome (as you pay attention to such details). Basically love reverses just about all your earlier priorities and alters your soul, your life and your perception of the world beyond recognition.... It's such a beautiful thing....

That's why I get all my "highs" from falling in love. In fact, sadly I'm addicted to love.... I'm in love with being in love... I can't stand it if I'm not in love with someone... so I keep falling in love over and over and over again .... so as soon as a relationship gets over, I try and fall in love very very soon.... this is really pathetic... but what can I do? I told you I'm addicted!

Also, if I'm not in love, my creativity goes for a vacation and I'm not able to write the stuff I so love to write.... I'm thinking of joining some support group for this... but till then.... u guys can continue to glance thru the articles and poems that I write when I'm experiencing a love-induced "high"..... like today.... :)

I think I'm in trouble

2005-12-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

I think I'm in trouble guys!.... I think I'm setting myself up for a world of pain..... I'm getting emotionally attached to someone who is bound to be in my life for just a short while.... what then? .....

For a while I thought that I was in love ... but on careful consideration of the events that led to that feeling, I realized that I had probably misinterpreted an emotional attachment, stronger than I've ever felt towards anyone so far.... as love.....

You see, I have such a profound sense of caring, tenderness and affection for her that it frightens me to even think of her going out of my life... I'm at peace with the world only when I'm with her....gazing into her lovely eyes...my heart leaping with joy with her every smile....her melodious voice mesmerising me and calming my troubled soul.... No, I'm not in love with her.... I know I'm not! I'm Not! I can't be! I shouldn't be!

Even this beautiful thing we have right now can never last... those lovely conversations we have on the daily commute ..... I'll miss them most of all.... for I know that she'll soon be outta my life, chasing her dreams...... and I'll be left holding the pieces.... just memories to comfort me by.....

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I've tried out a new style of writing...... (I never will have to make sense anymore!.... I can say that the meaning is hidden in the ..... just like the song -"the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind", the meaning is hidden in the ....... ;)

Are women like apples?

2005-12-21T07:17:00.000-08:00

Well, today the most interesting that happened to me was my reply to a mail sent by a colleague... it was fun answering it.... atleast for me... lets see if you enjoy it as well....

The mail sent to me was:
"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with..... "

My reply was:
"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
This is extremely insightful and really really true! I have personally experienced this…. And it wasn’t pleasant!

But why have you discounted the fact that one reason for the apple’s “wait at the top of the tree” is the fact that many “brave” men have probably had their hearts ripped out and stomped into the ground (to make wine? :) by fancy apples who do not consider the “brave” men to be worthy enough of their affections. These brave souls were pushed off the tree and not only will they be shy of making another attempt for another apple, but their sad case would deter other would-be brave men as well!

Another reason could just be that “brave” men who have actually had the courage to make the climb, ended up disappointed by their conquest? (Perhaps the guy was just a little too down to earth for the apple high-high-high up in the tree?)

I believe that a combination of “over-expectation” as well as “selling oneself short” are reasons for this “wait at the top”. So many wonderful people never meet because of this…. It’s too sad….

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
Not really true. Men don’t like “easy” pickings. Men like challenges. It’s way too much fun trying to woo/impress/court a woman. If it’s not interesting enough, then men lose interest and again start looking at the other trees in the orchard… :)

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
In this age of women’s lib and the metro man, why do you gals still wanna stay on in the tree like Juliet waiting for her Romeo? Now its high time that you all get off your trees and actually meet the brave metro men half-way! I say don’t wait…. Get out there if you don’t wanna miss out on a beautiful relationship…

Share this with women who are good apples,\n even those who have already been picked!
I agree…

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....
It is a universal fact that men are stomped upon to make him what the women want them to be…. Individuality be damned… :) , but I’ve always maintained that men allow all this just in the interests of a beautiful relationship…. Go right ahead u apples, stomp away… :)

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Had fun? .... I certainly did! :)

I love taking such stands that lead to controversy. Coz' then people start talking... and that not only entertains me and hones my debating skills, but also gives me such material to entertain you guys with... :)

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A friend now can see
What she means to me
Some more secrets now did I share
And she now knows how much I care
I wanna always be close to this friend
Like it is today, may it be till the end

(This poem was spur of the moment to preserve for posterity, what I believe is something important. No attention was paid to its phrasing, so pls ignore the childishness u see in it :)

Is it all worth it?

2005-12-20T08:56:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing consistent in this blog, it's the questions posed by me.... a seemingly unending stream of questions posed by a fertile imagination? (i' m at it again? :) .... I give myself way too much credit ;)

Anyway, on to my question for today-

We are all so preoccupied with deadlines and "stuff" that fills our lives, that we hardly ever sit down to actually think about where we are in life and where we are apparently headed.... But, one of the perks of commuting long distances is that one actually gets so bored with the same ol' scenery (read endless traffic) that one actually starts "thinking". Perhaps it's the rejuvenating emissions inhaled on my daily voyage that have inspired many articles posted here :)

Obviously in such an inspiring environment, you can't expect too many cheerful thoughts to come my way.... so I actually thought... "is it all worth it?" and I'm not talking of the commute! I'm more into the grand scheme of things.... As far as I can see, I don't see man ever being satisfied. As soon as one want is satisifed, it gets replaced by another more complelling need (reminds u of economics class?). You can then imagine life as a mountaineer who scales one peak, then sees another peak and scales that, then another and in the end.... dies... Sure, flags bearing his individual conquests litter the landscape.... but, is that all u are here for? Just to litter the land and add to the pollution? :)

I don't have any answers. I only have questions. If you are already depressed, I've done my bit and got some other sentimental fool to join me in my CO2 induced misery..... and if you are laughing at this thought, I've succeded in getting someone to laugh, which is no small feat in an otherwise generally dull and humorless world! Either way I win! :)

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I believe in a greater purpose. I believe in destiny. I believe that we are all here for a purpose assigned by God. But, most importantly, I believe that life on this earth is not the end. It's just the beginning. I'm not going into the theological discussion on eternal life here, but surely there is more at stake here than meets the eye. So, I try not to lose focus. That the motto "Eat drink and be merry, for tommorow we die" is just plain selfish, and such a life would be just a collosal waste of God's time and resources. So, I try to give back something to the world everyday. God knows I've got a heck of a lot of issues. But, he also knows that I try harder every day. A kind word here, a lil' joke there, is nothing but my attempt to make the world a slightly better place to live in. I hope to live on through the memories of the people, in whose life I've tried to infuse some fun, some comfort, some companionship.... After all, who doesn't want to live forever?

Don't you just love questions?

Here's an answer to a potential question from my favorite kind of people - the pessimists - "you only gripe because you still have a long way to go and are probably just a coward trying to shirk the efforts required to succeed in life. "

I say, "I'm a dreamer. Accepted. But, I'm a practical dreamer. I don't say that we shouldn't scale peaks. We must! God expects us to do the best with the resources He has provided us with. But, we must remember to think of others too and make the world a lil' bit better daily. Otherwise, in this rat race, in a hurry to succeed, we may choose to trample other people and walk all over their hopes/dreams/lives. In such cases, all the success in the world will not give peace of mind... not on this earth ..... so what about eternity? ........ that's what I believe anyway!

Ever wonder....

2005-12-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder how we ignore or overlook even grave mistakes of the ones we love or have good relations with, while we latch on to even the tiniest quirks of people we dislike?

This especially comes to prominence if our relations with a dear person sours. At that time we get agitated and notice many flaws in their personality. We wonder why we never noticed those quirks before.

Well, we were aware of those flaws right from the very beginning, but chose to overlook those flaws as we regarded them as minor things in the context of the important relationship we were in.

But, as the relationship soured, we stopped looking at that person through rose-tinted glasses and then..... we gripe! :)

Still wonder why?......

Why do I complicate life?

2005-12-18T07:54:00.000-08:00

So many times I have found that the reason for a variety of complications in my life is.... ME! I could have avoided so much of heart-ache by just listening to my brain instead of an emotional heart.... I mean, if I like someone, I end up telling them..... if there's something bothering me, I vocalize it... and so on.... This has complicated too many relationships unnecessarily. Everyone wants people to be honest to them, but if people are reaaly honest with them , "They can't handle the truth!" (I'm screaming, just like in that movie....)

There's only one thing I believe now, "Honesty is highly overrated!"

But, then again, "Be open minded, but not so open that all your brains fall out!" (This doesn't make any sense here, but I decided to include it here to give the appearance of a balanced discussion :)

I think I should cut back on something.... I'm writing silly things .... Ya, I must cut back on writing.... especially silly things.... LOL :) Good night!