Tuesday, December 27, 2005

When she hurts, I hurt.... literally! :)

Today, I experienced something really really strange.... Soon after I heard from someone that a very dear friend was upset with me (yes, this has everything to do with yesterday's "sorry" post!), I started to feel very very sick. I mean, really really quick! Suddenly I'm getting the chills.... soon fever drops by.... and a headache too joins the party!

Add all these physical manifestations to a heart that's already burdened with just the thought of having hurt a loved one....a heart that's already busy reconciling itself to all the dissapointments and frustrations of this crazy existence..... and you get.... depression!.... Deep sadness and uneasiness dragged down my spirits and suddenly I felt completely empty.... so completely useless.... so damn selfish! I popped a few pills, but they did no good... I lay about wallowing in self-pity and regret, not knowing what to do next..... frustrated with God-alone knows what! ...... When she hurts, I hurt.... literally! :)

Thankfully, a senior- a mentor- a friend, took the time to talk with me... and though I revealed scant details on exactly what's bugging me..... (coz' I really don't know! I am still trying to figure myself out... what makes me tick?) .... I actually felt better at the end of it all....

I realize that I must no longer serve distant neighbours at the expense of the nearest.... I've always tried to bring joy to others anyway I can.... even when I'm breaking up inside.... trying to drown out the sighs of my soul in the laughter that surrounds me.... But, now I must be true to myself.... I must learn to prioritize my life... to ease up and chill out once in a while..... I must no longer let stuff fester inside me and eat me up from the inside..... otherwise the real me will soon cease to exist, and all that will remain is a frustrated, confused, empty shell of a person, with an abyss in the place of a soul..... God have mercy on my troubled soul!

I plan to use this blog even more and more as an outlet for my confusion and frustrations and even the victories that will definitely come my way! .... coz' I can't always hope to find a friend around when I'll need one. In any case, I don't want to use a friend as an emotional punching bag... I'd rather entertain others and make them feel better about their lives by letting them read about my messes ..... :)

Seriously speaking, I know that praying about the matter would definitely be the right thing to do... and I'm doing that.... right as I'm typing this out..... But, thru this blog, there will be a record for posterity... that I've been there and there and there..... and in the end it wasn't too bad.... not too bad at all.....

I know that I consider my life to be a very bad mess.... and that's just coz' everyone feels that their problems are the greatest... that their trials and tribulations are the most severe..... but I have to admit that my life is much much better than so so many others.... and I need to remind myself of this fact more often.....

For those who wonder why I try to entertain others so much..... I really love seeing people happy.... smiling..... enjoying themselves.... even if its at my expense..... I guess its just a reflex action of sowing happiness in the lives of others (a kind word or a silly joke maybe?) in the hope of reaping happiness someday! After all, what goes around, comes around.... right?

Help me Lord! I'm floundering without U.....!



Hey...I did the same thing too...I used to do everything tomake any person who came to me happy...In the end, I was building some sort of a wall within myself and got very lost n confused as you put it...Then I put the things down, got to business and became more interested in I ME N MYSELF first...But now again, I seem to be gaining the bad old me and if I dont shake myself fast I can end up in the same tight spot once again!

3:20 PM  

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