Thursday, January 19, 2006

My thoughts on Marriage...

I think that after the earlier post on affairs, this topic would be most appropriate... so that u have two different perspectives following each other....

On to the article now....
Almost every day during lunch, my friend and I combine forces to 'educate' a friend, who is about to get married, on what life is likely to be after her marriage....

We tease her saying that the long and intense conversations she now enjoys with her fiance will dwindle to occasional chats on mundane household matters after marriage (husbands will just nod yes/no to everything the wives say... to avoid getting sucked into a potentially dangerous conversation... the dreaded "Does this dress make me look fat?" is at the top of the list... a close second on the list are any questions on in-laws...)

We caution her against expecting too many compliments or gifts from her husband... Before marriage, compliments may fly thick and fast, but after marriage, the odds are against it! ... (once the husband has reached a comfort level, he no longer feels the need to voluntarily dish out compliments... after all, his feelings have not changed... she's beautiful... he loves her... and she knows how he feels... coz' he's said it so very often in the past!)

And as far as gifts are concerned, wives remember every single detail of a relationship (the first time they met... their first date... their first fight... their first kiss... their second fight.... their second kiss.... their engagement.... their first fight... their first kiss.... their marriage.... their first fight... their first kiss....). They also remember all those important "days" that the evil-card & gift manufacturing conglomerates come up with .... Birthdays, Valentines Day, Marriage Day, World Peace Day, Husbands Day, Wives Day, Tell-the-ones-you-love-that-you-love-them-day.... And they'll give gifts for all these occasions. There's no way that husbands can compete with their wives as far as giving gifts is concerned! What husbands rather should do is give the occasional gifts (purchase them at one time and keep them hidden around the house... so that when you finally remember that it's your anniversary/her b'day you don't have to rush to the nearest mall!) to save your marriage, but nothing more... in fact, if you actually like giving gifts to your wife, make sure that there is no special "day" scheduled, otherwise your wife will expect a gift on every such "day". Lower your wife's expectations when it comes to expecting gifts from you... that way she'll be delighted with every gift you give her... :)

We also tell her that she doesn't really 'know' her fiance and irrespective of the amount of time she has spent so far with him, she only knows one aspect of him ... the good bits of his personality that he wants to reveal... all the other facets of his personality will only hit her a few months into the marriage... Taking inspiration from Shrek, we explain that men are like onions (with a lot of layers ... we're not smelly! least not all the time... :) and that as time goes by, the outer layers are peeled off and you arrive at the layers that were hidden so far... and that's when tears start to flow .... ;)

But, jokes apart, let me put down some serious thoughts on marriage.... here is what I believe with all my heart, mind and spirit.... why marriages fail....

Marriage is probably one of the most important steps one takes in this lifetime. It can be a source of the deepest joy or the deepest regret. So one must exercise utmost caution when deciding who you marry. Today I see more and more marriages falling apart over the silliest issues.... I think there are two major reasons for the ever rising failure of marriages:

1. Unrealistic expectations:
This definitely must be a main reason for failure. People enter a marriage with unrealistic expectations. One must be practical.... Stop dreaming! No one is perfect. Everyone has their own unique quirks/problems. If you enter a marriage with the clarity that both are messed up and neither is perfect, you'll be better positioned to accept the facts and deal with it. I believe that such acceptance will help the partners complement each other. Where she is weak, he becomes her strength and where he's messed up, she becomes his comfort. Both have the God-given capacity to heal each other... to fill the void in each other's lives... if only they accept their weakness, their partner's weakness and then commit to be there for each other....

2. Easy escape route of divorce is available:
I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I don't believe in divorce. I think that marriages fail so often because people get married without any real commitment to see it through.... and as the easy escape route of divorce is available, they choose to run at the whiff of trouble! Such people will opt to remarry and try it again with someone else to avoid working on the relationship... Why? .... No commitment! Such people may never realize that they may very well be the problem and not their spouse!

I believe that a marriage would be sucesful, if both partners enter it with the full commmitment to see it through... fully commited to the vow - "till death do us part"... with no easy escape route of divorce available, such partners will somehow strengthen each other and resolve that ... come what may... whatever problems or tribulations... we'll fight it out.... TOGETHER!

I also believe that communication is extremely important for a succesful marriage. Both partners must express (tactfully) their feelings clearly to the other and at the same time suggest reasonable solutions to what is bothering him/her. Even if seemingly petty things are bottled up for a long time, the risk of a potentially catastrophic explosion of emotions rises with every passing day.... For todays couples who have hectic schedules and stressful work lives... try and avoid taking work/work pressure to your home... spend as much time as possible with your family ... just talk to each other... take a vacation once in a while... just the two of you.... unwind together ... enjoy each other's company... keep the lines of communication open at all times ....

Marriage is not an easy/one-time thing... it is a continuous joint-responsibily. Both partners have to be equally commited to each other... and must work at it together... that's why it's extremely important to marry the right person... the one who has a similar outlook on life, love and marriage ... the one who is ready to commit to a lifetime with you....

I must clarify one thing. I believe that my views will generally apply to all marriages. However, in case of marriages where one person abuses the other continually, and is absolutely unreasonable and unrepentant about it, then for the sake of preserving sanity, just walk out of it! No one should continue in an abusive relationship. Of course, one must consider all facts calmly and consult with a third person (a counselor perhaps?) before taking a major step like that.

Peace Out!



Blogger Keshi said...

Marriage is a sacred bond. If 2 ppl cant u'stand and respect that then they shouldnt be married in the first place :)


3:16 PM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

I absolutely agree with u Keshi! Thanks 4 dropping by...

9:25 AM  
Blogger done said...

You pretty much hit it on the head when it comes to marriages. I've been married now almost 18 years, and it's still a work in progress. My hubby is lucky though, because I don't want gifts, I just want him to be nice to me all year long. I also think those Hallmark holidays are dumb, I don't get into sweetest day and all that, I just want to be treated nicely all year round:) and of course I have to treat him nice once in a while too:) Take care, Elisa:)

9:44 AM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

Hey, thanks a lot for the compliment.... at least now I have a vote of confidence from someone who's married... someone who can look at this article and say ... been there done that... :) ... PS ur husband is lucky that u find cards dumb... ;)

10:07 AM  
Blogger tulipspeaks said...

No one should continue in an abusive relationship.

True and this is what exactly i've gone thru..*wink @ keshi..

no more abuse, no more crying, no more burden :)



11:05 PM  
Blogger tulipspeaks said...

ahem anup..i've given my thoughts up there..

btwn, i must say u r a person with lot of come up with a matured post such as this one..

and i'll bear it in my mind when taking a huge step towards marriage :)



11:23 PM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

Thanks very much Amu! ...
1.that u consider this a mature post :) .. no one has called me that so far... :)
2.that u'd keep the thoughts in mind while taking the decision urself...

And I'm glad u r no longer in an abusive relationship... Hope u get completely healed soon...

All the best!

11:37 PM  
Blogger tulipspeaks said...

i am healed!!! thanks to wonderful souls around blogmates, that is..

looking fwd a fabulous year!!!



11:51 PM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

Hope u really have an awesome year girl...

8:27 AM  
Blogger still_figuring_out said...

i couldn`t agree more with your thoughts on how to make a marriage work! i have been with/living with my sweetie for nearly 7 years now..we will be getting married at the end of this year. by now, he knows how moody, how selfish, how sweet, how cute ;) and how good and how bad i can get. yet he loves me! of course, it is vice versa. misunderstandings are common in a relationship, but as long as the involved parties know that love is the foundation of their relationship, i think all will be well.

11:26 PM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

I totally agree with u... love and trust are the foundation on which a succesful marriage is built... BTW ... Congratulations! ... Wish u and ur sweetie all the very best in life.... :) Cheers!

12:40 AM  
Blogger Heather B said...

I totally agree with you - and yes, each day is a new challenge! God Bless ...

4:17 PM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

Thanks for dropping by Heather! God Bless You as well!!!

8:17 PM  
Blogger SkittishKat said...

Enjoyed you comments on marriage!
Maybe you should write prose while the poetry is blocked. You can always go back later, reread and edit it into poetry.
Surfed by because you left a comment on my blogspot, re: VEGAN?.
Thanks for the suggestions.
How did you happen to run across my blogspot?
By the way, I noticed how you have your Previous Post, Titles linked to the Posts themselves. I'd sure like to do that but don't know how.
Is it hard?

2:04 AM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

Thanks a lot Skittishkat!
Are u hinting that I'm a better writer than a poet? (lolz, perhaps hinting that my articles are more palatable than my poems?) :)

As to how I ran across ur blog, I hit on the "next blog" button occassionally, and that has taken me to several such intersting blogs...

As to how my previous posts titles are linked to the posts
In blogger dashboard Settings, go to Archiving, set Archive Frequency as Monthly and Enable Post Pages (click Yes)

Hope that helped ... Ciao!

2:57 AM  
Blogger SkittishKat said...

Hey, that's not what I meant.
I thought the first step would be sitting down and filling a couple of pages with thoughts, words and phrases on the subject, THEN distilling it down to the finest, clearest crystal words. Or like refining a metal down to its purest form.
How do you go about it?
By the way, thanks, my blogspot is now functing properly.

4:53 AM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

I know... :) I was just kidding around ... :) How do I go about it? ... During my long commutes, I jt down interesting ideas and if I see them going anywhere, I work on them some more ... especially things that I'm passioanate about... love ... marriage... :)

9:01 AM  
Blogger silverine said...

Hi, came here via Quills. I think your friend should read what I wrote at http://my-think-pad.blogspot. It's a true account.

9:30 PM  
Blogger quills said...

Hi Anup, You are absolutely right. Marriage is not a fairytale and therefore do not enter it with too many high expectations. But you can make it a fairy tale, if both partners are willing to see above each other's minor faults and accept the fact that no one's perfect. One should not try and change the other person into what he or she feels is an ideal mate. A bit of compromise, with a lot of humor and respect for each other will I am sure create a fairytale in reality.

5:54 AM  
Blogger anup.777 said...

hmm ... yes u r right ... :)

8:40 AM  
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11:05 PM  

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