Saturday, December 31, 2005

& 2006 begins.....

Mom, Me and Dad after we came home from church Posted by Picasa

Considering the way things have been going, I was looking forward to Church on New Year's eve. I wanted to end the year by casting all my cares, frustrations and confusions on God.... asking for forgiveness and strength to carry on .... And I did just that! .... Now I feel so much better..... This was the ideal start to my New Year! .....

It's strange.... the last few years, I played my part as the teenage rebel.... never wanting to go to church (or any other place, for that matter) with my parents..... but this year, I was actually looking forward to spending such quality time with the family.... guess I'm starting to realize the importance of enjoying what I have..... Sure, I'll freak out with friends sooner or later.... but a family is a beautiful thing.... a wonderful blessing..... not everyone has that.... and the ones who have one should definitely enjoy it.... make the most of it.....

Thought for the day - "Your merit will take you to great heights.... but your charecter will decide how long you stay there.... Be humble!" This is what my Mom told me recently... and as I'm hoping & praying that 2006 will be a year in which I will enjoy great break-throughs, .... I'd better work on the humilty part!...... ;)

Friday, December 30, 2005


So many bloggers are reviewing the year 2005.... guess I should at least summarize my year for posterity.... Slogged at studies... got a job... slogged at work.... slogged at studies as well as work.... got a new job.... slogged even harder at work... continued slogging at studies.... met some great people at work.... became friends with most of them... became close to a select few.... that made the work seem easier.... continued slogging at studies.... fell in love.... tried to convince myself it wasn't love.... confused myself thoroughly..... fell out of favor.... still in love.... but both have gone separate ways.... still in love.... continue working harder than ever at studies as well as on the job.... only way I can forget her..... still in love....

(This review must have made ur life seem much much better than the angst-ridden life of this guy, right?.... I certainly hope that my blog makes someone else feel a little better about their own life.... That's one of the purposes for all this..... I like to believe that I am an entertainer.... Are you not entertained? (I remember hearing such a line in the movie - Gladiator....) Hope you had fun.... ;)

I dedicate the year 2005 and all the posts made in 2005 to my beautiful muse. She's the one who awakened the sleeping poet in me.... I owe the bulk of my posts to her.... I love her immensely (not romantically, silly!) and adore her daily..... All I have to do is close my eyes, and I can see her beautiful smile....I can hear her laughter even in my dreams.... she calms my soul.... she inspires me to be a better person.... she's awesome! ..... I am blessed to have met her... to get the chance to know her..... my muse..... she's the best! ..... my muse.... she's my best friend!....

Happy New Year to one and all!

Happy New Year!.... the breakup.....

A letter to someone I love.... someone who doesn't know I exist.... someone who doesn't care to....

Dear ...

Standing at the threshold of the new year, I hope you take the time to consider one last monologue......

I always felt that I would never amount to much in your life (coz' we're world's apart.... your're a super cool girl with a funky demeanor, with loads of friends and many more pining to know're so instantly likable! I'm just another face in the crowd....the shy one...the introvert who pretends to be an extrovert....the dreamy eyed hopeless romantic...the emotional fool....the one who wants to escape from all the hustle and bustle to an island with the special one destined for him...) But I let my emotions (yet again!) to wreak havoc on my otherwise plain life. And I found myself unable to maintain the emotional distance that's so essential in this crazy world....Without my knowledge or consent, you have cornered a special & everlasting place in my heart.

Unforunately, you don't seem to understand me at all. All that has motivated me so far was the thought of seeing your face light up with happiness. I've always tried to bring a smile to your face.... to brighten up your day.... by doing all I can to please you, in the little time we spend together..... But, yet again, you have misinterpreted my actions..... How could you ever believe that I would do anything to hurt you? Don't you see that it hurts me much much more to see you hurting! I can't bear the thought of seeing you sad. I can't believe I'm in love with someone who doesn't know me and doesn't even care to know me.... someone who is too busy chasing her dreams in a world of her own... too busy to appreciate my heartfelt gestures.... too busy to even show a bit of affection to me ..... too busy to even acknowledge my existence...?

I can't go through something like this ever again....the hurt is more than I can bear... I am through being an emotional fool. I can't afford to hurt myself anymore.... I don't have the strength, persistance or courage to love anymore..... My soul has borne the brunt of my failures for too long now... I think it's time for me to get some rest.... I know I must become stronger.... So while I'll always have a special place in my heart for you, next year on, I'm gonna leave you to enjoy your world fully. I won't be a distraction anymore. I won't trouble you anymore. I'm gonna take two steps back, turn around and hope and pray that I forget what you mean to me.... This way, I hope to avoid unnecessary complications and thereby transform myself into a better person.... It's best to end all this today, and look forward to better things next year.... than to continue in uncertainty until the wheels of time crush all carefully nurtured dreams....

Farewell my dear lady.... May you always be happy.....

Wishing the very best for you always,
Poem - Happy New Year

As the clock strikes twelve
and the world rejoices the start of a new year
I think about us and wipe away a tear
I still wish you were here

I wish you never have any fears
I wish you never have to shed any tears
I wish love and joy surround you always
Both tonight and for all your days

Wish you a very Happy New Year
My lovely lady.... my dear...
- Anup
A few more lines -
May God shower us all with countless blessings today and forevermore.....
May peace and love fill our hearts and may all our motives be pure....
May angels wipe away each and every tear
As we all start a brand new year!
- Anup
I haven't been feeling too well lately... is it the weather outside or the state of my heart, or a mixture of both? I have no idea.... But, in this time of sadness and mild depression, I found great solace in the encouraging words of so many friends I never thought I had.... It was an eye-opener and a healing balm.... I must be doing something right after all.... God has blessed me with so much.... and so many great friends.... I am blessed indeed..... Now on I must look at what I have and be thankful for it.... rather than cry about what I've lost or what I could have had....

Happy New Year, world!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

When she hurts, I hurt.... literally! :)

Today, I experienced something really really strange.... Soon after I heard from someone that a very dear friend was upset with me (yes, this has everything to do with yesterday's "sorry" post!), I started to feel very very sick. I mean, really really quick! Suddenly I'm getting the chills.... soon fever drops by.... and a headache too joins the party!

Add all these physical manifestations to a heart that's already burdened with just the thought of having hurt a loved one....a heart that's already busy reconciling itself to all the dissapointments and frustrations of this crazy existence..... and you get.... depression!.... Deep sadness and uneasiness dragged down my spirits and suddenly I felt completely empty.... so completely useless.... so damn selfish! I popped a few pills, but they did no good... I lay about wallowing in self-pity and regret, not knowing what to do next..... frustrated with God-alone knows what! ...... When she hurts, I hurt.... literally! :)

Thankfully, a senior- a mentor- a friend, took the time to talk with me... and though I revealed scant details on exactly what's bugging me..... (coz' I really don't know! I am still trying to figure myself out... what makes me tick?) .... I actually felt better at the end of it all....

I realize that I must no longer serve distant neighbours at the expense of the nearest.... I've always tried to bring joy to others anyway I can.... even when I'm breaking up inside.... trying to drown out the sighs of my soul in the laughter that surrounds me.... But, now I must be true to myself.... I must learn to prioritize my life... to ease up and chill out once in a while..... I must no longer let stuff fester inside me and eat me up from the inside..... otherwise the real me will soon cease to exist, and all that will remain is a frustrated, confused, empty shell of a person, with an abyss in the place of a soul..... God have mercy on my troubled soul!

I plan to use this blog even more and more as an outlet for my confusion and frustrations and even the victories that will definitely come my way! .... coz' I can't always hope to find a friend around when I'll need one. In any case, I don't want to use a friend as an emotional punching bag... I'd rather entertain others and make them feel better about their lives by letting them read about my messes ..... :)

Seriously speaking, I know that praying about the matter would definitely be the right thing to do... and I'm doing that.... right as I'm typing this out..... But, thru this blog, there will be a record for posterity... that I've been there and there and there..... and in the end it wasn't too bad.... not too bad at all.....

I know that I consider my life to be a very bad mess.... and that's just coz' everyone feels that their problems are the greatest... that their trials and tribulations are the most severe..... but I have to admit that my life is much much better than so so many others.... and I need to remind myself of this fact more often.....

For those who wonder why I try to entertain others so much..... I really love seeing people happy.... smiling..... enjoying themselves.... even if its at my expense..... I guess its just a reflex action of sowing happiness in the lives of others (a kind word or a silly joke maybe?) in the hope of reaping happiness someday! After all, what goes around, comes around.... right?

Help me Lord! I'm floundering without U.....!

Monday, December 26, 2005

When you say "Sorry"

Today I complicated my life some more (as usual ;). I admitted to a truth that should have remained hidden. The truth was gnawing at me from the inside .... and I just had to get rid of it! I had to get it out and get on with life...... Unfortunately, the truth hurt someone very dear to me... and though I wish there were some other painless way in which I could have let that person know the truth,...... there just wasn't!

The normal course of action to rectify the situation would be to say "I'm Sorry" and hope that those words weave together the broken strands of the relationship. But, I'm wondering ..... I mean .... Why must I lie and say "I'm Sorry" when in fact I'm not? ... It would just serve to negate the original truth that I confessed to... the original truth that landed me in this soup in the first place! What I confessed to was the truth... in all its naked and yet vulnerable glory. I'm not ashamed of it all. But should I do what so many men have done since the dawn of civilization.... lie (say Sorry) to save a relationship?

I believe that one should be honest in every relationship.... but it is so damn easy to just lie and say "Sorry" to sort out unpleasant stuff and start over! But, instead of confronting/dealing with the underlying issue, one sidesteps all the complicated stuff and continues a relationship just because it seems to be working. So, will such a relationship (where the truth is conveniently overlooked) last long? .... or will it eventually crumble .... as the truth cannot remain hidden forever? And is the trade-off worth it? I'll never know..... coz' I end up screwing up relationships left, right and center due to this strange tendency to be brutally honest.... This is something that I'm gonna have to work on.... it will definitely make it to the winding list of New Year Resolutions!

While I still believe that the truth is highly overrated (as I'll doubtless see over the coming week), I absolutely refuse to say Sorry for something I'm not.

Wait a second.... it just struck me that I don't have to apologize for saying the truth.... I can just apologize for the hurt that the revelation of the truth caused! So, this is how I will apologize.... "I'm Sorry that I caused you so much hurt.... I can't stand seeing you this way.... I hope you can forgive me." Simple, honest and yet effective? Only time will tell.... I'll keep you guys posted!

And while we are on the subject of apologies.... have you ever wondered .... that in case of people who apologize for some wrong they have been caught doing..... are they sorry for having done that wrong? Or are they just sorry that they got caught? ..... ;) Makes you wonder, eh?

Sunday, December 25, 2005

How I spent Christmas day....

Well, this was the most calm Christmas day I've spent in quite a while. Generally, Christmas day would be spent with a whole lot of relatives (either me visiting them or vice versa). But this year, I spent it just with my family. We sampled (actually I pigged out... while the rest of the family sampled) Mom's special holiday recipies and had a great time at that!

In the afternoon I watched the movie, 'Love Actually' on TV.... and it's awesome, even watching it the second time round! I'd like to thank a dear friend for suggesting that movie in the first place... And after that, I caught a bunch of flicks (Santa Clause, Starship Troopers) as well as some cartoons, simultaneously, by using the remote like a deadly weapon! :)

Basically, after a long long time I took a break from studies. From tommorow, its the same routine of studies, work and some more studying... so I just chilled out today... Maybe next year I'll do some partying.... but this year, I wasn't really in the partying mood at all..... I wonder why? Guess I need to settle down in life.... God, I need your help soooo bad.... Help me in tying off the loose ends in my life!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

An open letter to God on Christmas eve

Dear God

Another year has flown by and I just want you to know that I am grateful. I may not have said it out loud too often. In fact I've often used my poetic license to rant and rave about my existence. But you know my heart. You know that I consider it a blessing to come back home safe and sound every single day, in a world which is filled with so much hate, suffering, death and destruction. In a world where lives are snuffed out for no apparent reason, it is nothing but your mercy and protection that has kept me alive so many years. And I am thankful for it all....

All your mercies are too many to recount, and I'm not even aware of the bulk of them, as you work silently in the background, looking out for me, protecting me and loving me inspite of what I am. I've failed too often to live up to the high standards you've set. But I pray that you help me as I try day after day to be the man you want me to be.

I'm especially thankful for life, for good health, for a family that loves me, for a home (and not merely a house), for true friends who care for me, for co-workers and bosses who make life a bit easier, and so on..... But I'm thankful most of all, for your patience, forgiveness, love and mercy despite my countless sins and rebellions. I'm trying, Lord! Do help me live right!

For the new year, I especially need your help in the following areas:
- Let me be an attentive listener
- Let me not speak unnecessarily
- Let me discharge all my responsibilities faithfully and excellently
- Let me always, both be and appear to be free of all evil and malice
- Let me lead a disciplined and mature life henceforth
& Please don't let me arouse or awaken love until it so desires


I wasn't feeling well tonight, due to which I couldn't go to mid-night mass for Christmas. But, I'm praying to God right now for His help..... tonight and for the coming years that I may be transformed into a better person.

I found a couple of good booklets on various issues. I'll be going through them after I publish this post.... if you are interested, have a look....

about the spirit world

about contemporary issues such as - Why are we here?, AIDS, The Da Vinci Code etc

Main Index

Merry Christmas to one & all!

Peace Out!

why honesty leads to greater bonding

Is this a blinding flash of the obvious or what? (Yes, I too am a fan of Dilbert!)

The more honest you are in any relationship; the more you open up to someone and share your opinions, hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears.... the more vulnerable you make yourself. It is the awareness of the fact that someone has lowered their defenses/shields and trusted you with their secrets, that leads to a greater bonding..... and ultimately an excellent relationship based on mutual trust.

Pls be patient with me

This is an open letter to a very dear friend...... I told you all that I always complicate stuff.... but this is an attempt to uncomplicate matters....

I recall you once asked me - "what is love first of all.... and how does one fall in love?" I didn't have a ready answer then, but I'll try and answer it today, in my own quirky way... :) But, after that, I'll address an issue that we both are aware of, but were afraid to tackle to avoid complications in an otherwise wonderful friendship....

I believe that love arises due to a combination of various factors. Hormones are high on the list! :) But, that is followed closely by the attraction one feels towards someone. One may be either attracted to someone's appearance (purely physical) or to someone's nature/personality (combination of physical appearance as well as behaviour). Sometimes one also feels that one is in love due to the gradual building up of emotional attachment with passage of time.

Take my case for instance. From having a crush on you due to your physical beauty and charm, my feelings graduated to intense affection due to your warm personality, confidence and inner strength. I've confessed my love for you as a friend.... and it just grows deeper with every passing day.... you are just so good to me.... so understanding, supportive and insightful....u make me want to be a better person.... but at the same time, I'm worried that I'm getting too emotionally attached to you for my own good.

I don't wanna do anything foolish and jeopardize such a beautiful friendship... And I'm aware that lately I've come across too strongly in my display of affection for you... so strong that you must surely have considered that my fondness for you has gone beyond acceptable limits for a friendship. Heck!, even I'm amazed my immaturity in handling the situation... I've got no excuses for it... just that I've never emotionally bonded with someone as quickly as with you and I've never developed such closeness and affection for anyone as in case of you. You are one of my closest friends and I don't wanna screw up the friendship. I value your friendship too much to throw it away to confusion/delusions.

I know you've ignored my immaturity so far as you don't want me to go through the heartache you once experienced yourself. That just shows the gem of a person that you are. But, I don't wanna push you to the brink. I don't wanna be overbearing about my concern for your wellbeing. I believe that the intensity of affection that I feel for you will gradually settle down to acceptable levels with the passage of time (just like stock market indices that settle down at lower levels after soaring to gr8 heights over a short time). Pls gimme some time. I promise you that my childish behaviour will cease. I hope that you are patient for a little while longer so that I get used to our friendship and gradually become a mature and dependable friend.

With Love,

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I'm an addict.....

(I'm sure that the subject caught ur attention.... :)

Why do people do drugs or booze themselves silly? Obviously to get a "high"! For the benefit of people who don't do drugs or booze, I conducted painstaking research into what a "high" is. (I chatted on the subject with a girlfriend on this matter... and it was a pain! that's why the research was so painstaking ;)

I believe that the "high" experienced on ingestion of the aforementioned substances (just tried to appear professional here... this will pass :) is a sense of complete detachment from all responsibilities... a dulling of ones senses to traditionally ingrained inhibitions. Basically, one temporarily enjoys a new and improved (often twisted) perception of reality.... where nothing is impossible and no boundaries exist... where everyone is having fun and the world is nothing but one big PARTY!

And who doesn't want to get away from the problems that shroud our earthly existence? I know I do! But, being brought up in an orthodox family, under extremely strict supervision, I never could "escape from reality" by doing drugs or booze. (The fear of getting caught was simply too great!) So, very early in life (last year), I discovered that I could get the same "high" without doing either drugs or booze and best of all, I could never be caught as there is nothing that can detect the presence of this substance in me.

Before I tell you about this discovery, let me tell you about the "high" that this substance gives.... its a mixture of peace, joy, immeasurable happiness and the feeling that the world is an awesome place to live starts looking at the world through rose tinted glasses, sunrises seem prettier, people seem nicer, sunsets make u all misty-eyed and so on..... However, one also feels vulnerable and weak, slightly insecure (depending upon the dosage) and may also suffer from heart palpitations. But, these effects aren't as serious as some of the effects of designer drugs that the kids are taking now-a-days ( rather, now-a-daze?)

I'm sure u r really curious by now.... are you ready to sample my discovery? Are you ready to.......... fall in love?

Yes, I've discovered that being in love gives one a better and longer lasting "high" than others derive from substance abuse... It's true... Try it!

When u are in love, you are so preoccupied by the thoughts of that special one, that u don't give a damn about the rest of the world... u build ur own world with that loved one becoming the centre of your universe... that's why the small and insignificant problems of the world stop bothering you.... when u r in love.

When u r in love, u feel invincible. U feel immortal. U feel super-charged and ready to tackle anything. When u r in love, people seem nicer (as you don't pay attention to them and their irritating quirks), sunrises and sunsets seem awesome (as you pay attention to such details). Basically love reverses just about all your earlier priorities and alters your soul, your life and your perception of the world beyond recognition.... It's such a beautiful thing....

That's why I get all my "highs" from falling in love. In fact, sadly I'm addicted to love.... I'm in love with being in love... I can't stand it if I'm not in love with someone... so I keep falling in love over and over and over again .... so as soon as a relationship gets over, I try and fall in love very very soon.... this is really pathetic... but what can I do? I told you I'm addicted!

Also, if I'm not in love, my creativity goes for a vacation and I'm not able to write the stuff I so love to write.... I'm thinking of joining some support group for this... but till then.... u guys can continue to glance thru the articles and poems that I write when I'm experiencing a love-induced "high"..... like today.... :)

I think I'm in trouble

I think I'm in trouble guys!.... I think I'm setting myself up for a world of pain..... I'm getting emotionally attached to someone who is bound to be in my life for just a short while.... what then? .....

For a while I thought that I was in love ... but on careful consideration of the events that led to that feeling, I realized that I had probably misinterpreted an emotional attachment, stronger than I've ever felt towards anyone so far.... as love.....

You see, I have such a profound sense of caring, tenderness and affection for her that it frightens me to even think of her going out of my life... I'm at peace with the world only when I'm with her....gazing into her lovely heart leaping with joy with her every smile....her melodious voice mesmerising me and calming my troubled soul.... No, I'm not in love with her.... I know I'm not! I'm Not! I can't be! I shouldn't be!

Even this beautiful thing we have right now can never last... those lovely conversations we have on the daily commute ..... I'll miss them most of all.... for I know that she'll soon be outta my life, chasing her dreams...... and I'll be left holding the pieces.... just memories to comfort me by.....

I've tried out a new style of writing...... (I never will have to make sense anymore!.... I can say that the meaning is hidden in the ..... just like the song -"the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind", the meaning is hidden in the ....... ;)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Are women like apples?

Well, today the most interesting that happened to me was my reply to a mail sent by a colleague... it was fun answering it.... atleast for me... lets see if you enjoy it as well....

The mail sent to me was:
"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with..... "

My reply was:
"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
This is extremely insightful and really really true! I have personally experienced this…. And it wasn’t pleasant!

But why have you discounted the fact that one reason for the apple’s “wait at the top of the tree” is the fact that many “brave” men have probably had their hearts ripped out and stomped into the ground (to make wine? :) by fancy apples who do not consider the “brave” men to be worthy enough of their affections. These brave souls were pushed off the tree and not only will they be shy of making another attempt for another apple, but their sad case would deter other would-be brave men as well!

Another reason could just be that “brave” men who have actually had the courage to make the climb, ended up disappointed by their conquest? (Perhaps the guy was just a little too down to earth for the apple high-high-high up in the tree?)

I believe that a combination of “over-expectation” as well as “selling oneself short” are reasons for this “wait at the top”. So many wonderful people never meet because of this…. It’s too sad….

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
Not really true. Men don’t like “easy” pickings. Men like challenges. It’s way too much fun trying to woo/impress/court a woman. If it’s not interesting enough, then men lose interest and again start looking at the other trees in the orchard… :)

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
In this age of women’s lib and the metro man, why do you gals still wanna stay on in the tree like Juliet waiting for her Romeo? Now its high time that you all get off your trees and actually meet the brave metro men half-way! I say don’t wait…. Get out there if you don’t wanna miss out on a beautiful relationship…

Share this with women who are good apples,\n even those who have already been picked!
I agree…

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....
It is a universal fact that men are stomped upon to make him what the women want them to be…. Individuality be damned… :) , but I’ve always maintained that men allow all this just in the interests of a beautiful relationship…. Go right ahead u apples, stomp away… :)

Had fun? .... I certainly did! :)

I love taking such stands that lead to controversy. Coz' then people start talking... and that not only entertains me and hones my debating skills, but also gives me such material to entertain you guys with... :)

A friend now can see
What she means to me
Some more secrets now did I share
And she now knows how much I care
I wanna always be close to this friend
Like it is today, may it be till the end

(This poem was spur of the moment to preserve for posterity, what I believe is something important. No attention was paid to its phrasing, so pls ignore the childishness u see in it :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Is it all worth it?

If there's one thing consistent in this blog, it's the questions posed by me.... a seemingly unending stream of questions posed by a fertile imagination? (i' m at it again? :) .... I give myself way too much credit ;)

Anyway, on to my question for today-

We are all so preoccupied with deadlines and "stuff" that fills our lives, that we hardly ever sit down to actually think about where we are in life and where we are apparently headed.... But, one of the perks of commuting long distances is that one actually gets so bored with the same ol' scenery (read endless traffic) that one actually starts "thinking". Perhaps it's the rejuvenating emissions inhaled on my daily voyage that have inspired many articles posted here :)

Obviously in such an inspiring environment, you can't expect too many cheerful thoughts to come my way.... so I actually thought... "is it all worth it?" and I'm not talking of the commute! I'm more into the grand scheme of things.... As far as I can see, I don't see man ever being satisfied. As soon as one want is satisifed, it gets replaced by another more complelling need (reminds u of economics class?). You can then imagine life as a mountaineer who scales one peak, then sees another peak and scales that, then another and in the end.... dies... Sure, flags bearing his individual conquests litter the landscape.... but, is that all u are here for? Just to litter the land and add to the pollution? :)

I don't have any answers. I only have questions. If you are already depressed, I've done my bit and got some other sentimental fool to join me in my CO2 induced misery..... and if you are laughing at this thought, I've succeded in getting someone to laugh, which is no small feat in an otherwise generally dull and humorless world! Either way I win! :)

I believe in a greater purpose. I believe in destiny. I believe that we are all here for a purpose assigned by God. But, most importantly, I believe that life on this earth is not the end. It's just the beginning. I'm not going into the theological discussion on eternal life here, but surely there is more at stake here than meets the eye. So, I try not to lose focus. That the motto "Eat drink and be merry, for tommorow we die" is just plain selfish, and such a life would be just a collosal waste of God's time and resources. So, I try to give back something to the world everyday. God knows I've got a heck of a lot of issues. But, he also knows that I try harder every day. A kind word here, a lil' joke there, is nothing but my attempt to make the world a slightly better place to live in. I hope to live on through the memories of the people, in whose life I've tried to infuse some fun, some comfort, some companionship.... After all, who doesn't want to live forever?

Don't you just love questions?

Here's an answer to a potential question from my favorite kind of people - the pessimists - "you only gripe because you still have a long way to go and are probably just a coward trying to shirk the efforts required to succeed in life. "

I say, "I'm a dreamer. Accepted. But, I'm a practical dreamer. I don't say that we shouldn't scale peaks. We must! God expects us to do the best with the resources He has provided us with. But, we must remember to think of others too and make the world a lil' bit better daily. Otherwise, in this rat race, in a hurry to succeed, we may choose to trample other people and walk all over their hopes/dreams/lives. In such cases, all the success in the world will not give peace of mind... not on this earth ..... so what about eternity? ........ that's what I believe anyway!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Ever wonder....

Ever wonder how we ignore or overlook even grave mistakes of the ones we love or have good relations with, while we latch on to even the tiniest quirks of people we dislike?

This especially comes to prominence if our relations with a dear person sours. At that time we get agitated and notice many flaws in their personality. We wonder why we never noticed those quirks before.

Well, we were aware of those flaws right from the very beginning, but chose to overlook those flaws as we regarded them as minor things in the context of the important relationship we were in.

But, as the relationship soured, we stopped looking at that person through rose-tinted glasses and then..... we gripe! :)

Still wonder why?......

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Why do I complicate life?

So many times I have found that the reason for a variety of complications in my life is.... ME! I could have avoided so much of heart-ache by just listening to my brain instead of an emotional heart.... I mean, if I like someone, I end up telling them..... if there's something bothering me, I vocalize it... and so on.... This has complicated too many relationships unnecessarily. Everyone wants people to be honest to them, but if people are reaaly honest with them , "They can't handle the truth!" (I'm screaming, just like in that movie....)

There's only one thing I believe now, "Honesty is highly overrated!"

But, then again, "Be open minded, but not so open that all your brains fall out!" (This doesn't make any sense here, but I decided to include it here to give the appearance of a balanced discussion :)

I think I should cut back on something.... I'm writing silly things .... Ya, I must cut back on writing.... especially silly things.... LOL :) Good night!

Saturday, December 17, 2005

I got some gr8 toys for christmas ...

Well, today I'll be getting a DVD recorder and 500MB of additional memory to juice up my PC. I'll keep trying to upgrade it and one day make it a fantastic home entertainment centre....

Sat up late yesterday night, fiddling with my sister's new cell.. Nokia 6255 (CDMA). It's way way better than the ancient "functional" piece that I'm carrying around....

If you wanna see a review of the handset, here's one that I saw prior to the purchase...

Friday, December 16, 2005

Article - I Love You

I Love You - by Anup R (Published in 2001 in the college magazine... my parting gift to the college)

Have you ever wondered about the significance of the words "I Love You" in the lives of people? I realized it only recently. A close friend of mine recently lost his father and in this time of immense grief, he said something that haunted me to the extent of changing my attitude towards these words forever. Between tears, he said, "I never told Dad that I love him..... and now I'll never be able to tell him."

Stunned by his outburst momentarily, I tried to assure him that all feelings need not be expressed in words - that his father knew of his love, even without a vocal expression. However, my friend was not convinced. How could he be?..... When even I wasn't convinced!

We all love our parents, our siblings and our friends. But even animals have the capacity to love! The ability to express our emotions through intelligent words is one thing that sets us apart from animals. Why then do we prefer to act as animals when it comes to expresing the feeling of love?

Even more disturbing is the fact that we don't tell those three words to the ones who have loved us all our lives, but go out of our way to whisper these words in the ears of pretty young things at every opportuniity we get. We send flowers, chocolates, cuddly bears, giraffes, kangaroos and every imaginable gift, sing songs while running around trees, make pledges of living and dying together and so on and so forth; even though there is more probability of the so called "love" relationship to turn into a "love-hate" relationship (where both parties love to hate each other) rather than into a succesful marriage. And all the while our family stands behind us, supporting us, encouraging us. Don't they deserve to be told "I Love You" more often?

I hope you've got the drift of what I'm trying to say by now. Actions don't necessarily speak louder than words. We must realize that the ones who truly love us aren't going to be around forever. So, why not surprise them with an "I Love You"? What is the worst that could happen? They would probably get the doctor to examine you at first. But, later when you see a rise in your allowance, you'll feel something delightful rise up from your heart and hear these words come out of a merry heart - "I Love You!"

This is one of the most sober articles I've written till date. It really is something very important. Love your family and tell them that as often as you can. After God, they are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. Think about it....

Article - My First Love

My First Love - By Anup R (published in the college magazine in 1999)

She was the most self-obsessed, self-centred and vain girl I'd ever laid eyes on. I loved her! My friends warned me that her total lack of respect for other people was preceded only by her reputation for tearing to shreds the self-respect of any poor soul that crossed her path.

But nothing could shake my love for her. I was crazy. I was foolish. I was a man possessed by the spirit of love. I knew that trying to convince her of my love would be like convincing Mr.Clinton that Mr.Starr never really meant any harm. But all the arguments against my case could not shake my determination. So, on sighting her I approached her praying all the while for the assistance of the spirits of the forefathers of the human race(the great wise apes that ruled the earth).

I came up right in front of her but it seemed that she was blind for she didn't notice the mountain that I am. Anyway, I said "Hi!" She just looked away. I could see the indifference oozing out of every pore. Embarrassed thus, I tried to assert my masculinity and decided to grab her attention using a special technique I'd mastered at the age of ten. Yes, never understimate the power of "irritation".

So, I started whistling a lousy tune off-key and real loud, almost into her ear. I then discovered that my first love was probably deaf as well. So, I reduced the distance between us and got delightfully close to her, whistling as loud as ever! At this point, she suddenly whirled around and her silky black hair brushed against my cheeks. I almost achieved "Moksha" then and there!

She looked. She smiled. She conquered. My dear heart was running a marathon at the pace of a 100 mtr dash. She took a step back and asked me to come to her, indictaing she had something to tell me. Amazed, I ordered my legs to move forward, but they refused to co-operate. Smiling, she came close to me. I closed my eyes and started imagining what can't be mentioned here. Then, I heard her delightful voice in my ear. "You are just as irritating as my brother". She didn't even mention if she meant her elder brother!! (I could be in serious trouble!) Thus, my first love ended with the mere mention of the word "brother"

Seems so childish, now that I look at it... but it was a fine work of art for me back then.... In a way, it's refreshing to see that, contrary to the opinion of a lot of people, I really am maturing... seriously! :)

Poem - Cycle of thoughts

Cycle of thoughts - By Anup R

Why is it
That everytime I shave, I cut myself?
Why is it
That everytime I speak, I make a fool of myself?
Why is it
That everytime I run, I stumble and fall?
Why is it
That everytime I try real hard, I fail?
Why is it
That everytime I try to help, I end up needing some?
Why is it
That everytime I take a stand, I stand all alone?
Why is it
That everytime I trust, I'm deceived?
Why is it
That everytime I judge, I'm wrong?
Why is it
That everytime I love, I lose?
Why is it
That everytime I write poems revealing who I am
No one really gives a damn!

Published in Bombay Times on 29th September 1998.
LOL, this was real fun! Nothing but teenage angst... I actually wrote this during an Economics lecture.... :)


Poem - Melody of Love - my first poem

Melody of Love - By Anup R

Everytime I gaze into your eyes,
I feel I've stepped on ice
But I love it coz' it feels so nice.

Everytime I catch your glance,
My dear heart begins to dance
And my mind goes into a trance.

Everytime I hear your voice,
Everything else fades into background noise
You make my heart rejoice.

Nervous shivers run down my spine
Everytime your eyes meet mine
I swear it wasn't my design
to break our friendship, divine
By hoping to make you mine.

This was the first poem that I wrote. It was published in Bombay Times on 15th September 1998.

I have a wide smile even as I write this. The poem is so simple, just as those days. Brings back fond memories :)


Poem - "Adolescence"

"Adolescence" - By Anup R

What kind of age is this?
Why do I feel all this?
Why don't I know what to do?
Why don't I know why I do
the things that I do?

Why don't I know who's right?
Why don't I know what's right?
Why does, what I feel is right
always, have to be wrong?

Why don't I know who to trust?
Why do I trust friends over family?

Why don't I know what I feel?
Why don't I know how I should feel?
Why can't I control my emotions?

Why is life so complicated?
Why is life out of control?

Why don't I know the difference
between love and infatuation?

Why don't I know
when to lie and when to tell the truth?

Why don't my questions have answers?

And if they do.........
why am I asking all this?

This poem was published in my college magazine in 1998.
It was amongst my first works published. But, now that I look at it, it seems so amateurish.... because I was an amateur :)

Anyway, is good to know that the bulk of the questions remain valid even today... I still don't know what I'm doing and where I'm headed ;)
God have mercy. God plz help me!


A bout of nostalgia coming over me

I feel a bout of nostalgia coming over me... wonderful college days, when I first started "falling in love" over and over again. It was at that time that I discovered that I have a knack for writing. So, I'll give in to this bout of nostalgia and post a few articles and poems from the good ol' college days.

I'd like to first start with off with a letter... you be the judge of what it's all about.... :)


When I laid my eyes on you the first time, one thought played in my head over and over again... "She is the prettiest girl I've ever seen." Observing the classy way you carried yourself and your breath-taking-heart-melting smile, I felt drawn to you immediately.

I'm sure that many other guys felt the same way, for you already had quite a fan-following (read friends). Never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined being friends with you. There you were, the classy popular gal with lots of friends, while there I was, content in my small gang of friends (and a slightly larger gang of acquaintances).

I had a major crush on you, but kept it to myself, even as we gradually became acquainted. I remember times when you were the only thought in my mind for days on end. On those days, when I closed my eyes, I could see your face, that lovely face and that captivating smile. I wanted to stay in that state of bliss forever!

I consider it my good fortune that you gradually started opening up to me. I gradually started understanding you (the person, the real you). You are so much more than just a pretty face. God has endowed you with a loving and tender heart. And although your frankness and vocal personality was often interpreted by less fortunate souls as haughtiness, I always admired those aspects of your personality. But, most of all I admire your trustworthiness and your frankness.

Today you know my tears, my fears, my hopes, dreams and ambitions. I am amazed at the extent to which we have shared our lives and feelings with each other. I feel I can trust you with any aspect of my life. I know you'll gimme an honest answer when I need one. I know I can depend on you for help and counsel when I need it the most. I've never felt this close to anyone before.

So, what am I trying to say here? Just that the crush that I had on you, has grown into love. No, not the romantic kind. Not yet anyway ;)! I just wanna say that you are a very dear friend to me and there will always be a special affection in my heart for you. You have been my muse and are the reason for the confidence I have in many aspects of my life. I look forward to a long and beautiful friendship with one of my world's most beautiful people.... you... a friendship based on a rock-solid foundation of trust, frankness and affection.

Affectionately Yours
Anup R
Loving a friend

Recently I joked that boys and girls can never be only friends. After the huge backlash primarily from girls who insisted that boys and girls could definitely be only friends, I decided to give this issue a lot of thought. However, instead of answers, all I have are more questions. The primary question is – “How can one differentiate from the love one has for a friend and romantic love?”
The Oxford Dictionary defines “love” as deep affection or fondness or a beloved one. We all know that there is bound to be love and affection in every friendship. However, the degree of affection varies from friend to friend. After all, one doesn’t share the same degree of intimacy with every friend. So, it all boils down to the intensity of affection that one has for a friend, and it is almost impossible to draw a line between friendly love and romantic love, as it is all subject to personal interpretation.

Here, let’s just examine the development of a friendship. I believe that a boy will develop a friendship with a girl in two cases:

1. He is attracted to the girl (physical attributes/charming personality etc.) and wants to be friends with her in the hope of taking the relationship to the next ‘logical’ level.

2. He may not be attracted to the girl initially. However, with passage of time and regular interaction, starts to not only find her nature, personality etc very appealing, but also grows emotionally dependent on her.

Boys will generally tend to interpret (or misinterpret) his emotional attachment and growing affection for a friend as “love” as he views it as an acceptable logical conclusion to a friendship as promoted by the movies J. However, a girl will always ignore all subtle hints made by the boy and consider it to be just a gradual deepening of the friendship.

So, why do the boys keep their newfound “love” a secret?
Basically, a boy is quite risk-averse and wouldn’t want to lose what he already has. Additionally, complications such as – the girl being romantically involved with someone else, girl having confided to the boy of her love for someone else, etc force the boy to keep quiet. But, the sad part is that, once a boy decides that he is in love, he tends to go overboard and falls deeper and deeper in love.

There will soon come a point when the boy stops making subtle hints and soon, the girl cannot deny that her friend has feelings for her. But, girls will still avoid confronting the issue. Why? Basically, a girl is quite risk-averse and wouldn’t want to lose what she already has." :)

But, if the boy makes the mistake of actually verbalizing his (interpretation/misinterpretation of deep affection) love for his friend, then the situation changes drastically. If the girl also had underlying feelings for him, they both live happily ever after. But, in most of the cases, the girl would probably say “I never looked at you as more than a friend. When did this happen?”

The boy could respond in two ways:

1. “I have always loved you.” This response will come from the type 1 of friendship, where the boy initiated the friendship with the intention to take it to this “logical conclusion”. So, I believe this boy would be in a better position to move on.

2. “I have no idea. I guess it happened over time.” This response will come from type 2 of friendship. Type 2 of friendship is either a truly intense friendship packed with emotional bonding or it could be the real deal – the true love that everyone dreams about. In either case, moving on is extremely difficult for the boy. If there was misinterpretation involved in the second case, a beautiful friendship just got destroyed by an error in judgment (misinterpretation).

But if it was true love, then it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all…. even if did involve falling in love with a friend......

Anup R

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A fantastic idea on Marriages

Anyone who has already married or is contemplating marriage will agree that it is an expensive affair. And as my lil' sister will get married soon, I tried to dream up ways in which to reduce expenses on marriages..... and I've now hit upon a novel idea, by which you can marry at almost zero expense. Yes, at almost no cost!

But, as this is such a novel idea, I believe I must be adequately compensated for it :). So, if anyone in the whole world wants to use this idea, corporates must pay me 1 crore Indian Rupees and individuals must pay me 10 lakh Indian rupees, per use of the idea/concept.

My idea is... get the marriage and and all actvities related to it sponsored by corporates, organizations or maybe even by the Government!

I mean, corporates will get the advertising and publicity they crave, and at the same time, they will be serving society by sponsoring the wonderful institution of marriage! No longer can the corporates by accused of wasting money on advertising and promotion, as they are supporting a good cause.

Now, the question arises that in a "well-endowed" nation (population-wise) such as ours, how do the corporates decide whose wedding to sponsor? (Here comes another great idea. And yes, you will have to pay according to the scale mentioned earlier to use this idea as well). It's very simple, make a reality show out of it!

So, just like other reality shows, you can have couples on a live TV show, answering questions, dancing, singing, etc in an effort to win the grand prize... a wedding completely sponsored by a host of corporates! A couple, having won the contest would get married LIVE and the reception would also be telecast LIVE (as long as there is no other BREAKING NEWS)

Now, for the fun part. Such winning couples would have to put up with a few things.

Wedding cards would only be delivered only by the "official" couriers (as they are co-sponsors) and the wedding cards would have a host of logos and names of sponsors and co-sponsors on the back.... yes even a radio partner, a TV partner a Mobile partner (who will offer special ringtones and pictures of the event) and so on....

The reception would only be held at the grounds of the club that sponsors the wedding. A cola giant would sponsor the soft-drinks. A 5 star hotel would sponsor the food, beverages as well as service. Clothes, jewellery and shoes of the bride, groom and relatives would be sponsored by fashion houses. Music companies would provide the deejay and last but not the least.... the Honeymoon would be sponsored by some beach resort in Goa.... :)

A lil' note to investors

If you are an investor and are planning to invest in a company, you probably ask your stock broker for research reports on that company. However, it is pertinent that you actually read the report and not just the recommendation. At any given point of time, there will be analysts with contrary views on a company. So, in order to assign weights to analyst recommendations, it is extremely important to read the full report. Reading at least five reports by different analysts should cover most of the developments in a company. You must also exercise caution when an analyst changes his outlook on a company in a short span of time. In such cases have a look at his previous report and judge for yourself if the reasons cited in the new report justify the change in rating.

Hope this helps some investor.....

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Results - Piano round 1 (boys) - Indian Idol (Season 2)

Today's show posted the results of yesterday's piano round. The 3 who move on to the gala round are ...
1. Karunya (as expected)
2. Sagar Sawarkar (first mover advantage?)
3. Ravi Tripathi (surprise surprise! the underdog got voted in...)

Now, next Monday I'll get to listen to the ladies piano round (if I get home in time.... and that's a Big IF!) ....

But, the ones really interested in Indian Idol2 must follow the blog:

Monday, December 12, 2005

Piano round 1 (boys) - Indian Idol (Season 2)

After a long time, I left office before sunset. No, I didn't leave early. I just decided to leave after 8 and a half hours, irrespective of whether or not the work got over. No, the work didn't get over. It never does!

But, during the 2 hour commute along a snail-paced, polluted route, I remembered why I always try to reach office really early and leave really late.... to beat the rush-hour traffic! But, the fun thing about rush-hour in Bombay is that rush-hour spans for about 4 hours in the morning and 4 hours in the evening and about 4 hours after sunset. So, any attempt to beat it is invariably rewarded with frustration... especially if you don't get a seat.

Anyway, I think I've cribbed enough about the commute for today.... now let me tell you my top 4 picks from the piano round of the Indian Idol episode that I just caught....

1: N C Karunya from Hyderabad. This 19 year old sang a Punjabi song extremely well. Sonu was especially impressed, but especially mentioned that it is important for this lad to keep a cool head. This was probably as the last season of Indian Idol saw a gr8 singer Rahul Vaidya ousted by the audience, probably only because he came across as cocky and over-confident. Karunya, too came across as a little bit cocky, but only time will tell as to whether success will go to his head....

2: Mukesh Tomar from Delhi. Despite lack of professional training, this dude sang very well and has a gr8 voice. He's a solid contender for the top spot. However, Farah wasn't too pleased with his performance. I couldn't care less about the performance. Just sing well....

3: Kshitij Wagh from Mumbai. Sang an old song with gr8 emotion, never taking his eyes off his wife who sat in the audience. Farah especially applauded his performance. I didn't find his performance spectacular or anything. But, I don't care anyway... :)

4: Shreekumar from Mumbai. Although judges were not too impressed, I liked his rendition of Ae Ajnabi.

The others are also good singers.
Sagar Sawarkar from Mumbai who sang Meri Mehbooba from Pardes (one of my fav songs) has an edge over others as his performance was quite good and he got the first-mover advantage.

Rohit Raj Sinha of Allahabad who danced into the hearts of the judges, sang Tum Mile from Criminal (He obviously could't show off his dance moves to that number). So, the judges ranted about the performance not being upto the mark. I found his singing to be quite good. But he doesn't seem to be in the same league as Karunya, at the moment

The last contestant Ravi Tripathi of Mumbai had the misfortune to come on after some really classy acts. Despite putting on a decent performance, the judges, especially Sonu were dissapointed (high expectations, perhaps?)

I hope my picks remain in the contest.....

I wonder if I'll be able to review tommorow's episode (piano round- second batch - girls). Maybe I can leave on time tommorow as well?

Oh yes... Kajol's sister Tanisha (Tannisshaa OR Tanissha Or whichever way she chooses to spell it... ) was on the show, smiling a lot, encouraging singers and trying to promote her movie "Ally Mc Beal sues Micky" or something.... Dunno bout' the movie, but Tanisha certainly looks gr8!

If you ask me something like... "Who the #### do you think you are? Are you some successful singer/whiner? Or have you been inspired by succesful tunes and composed 'original' tunes?" I tell you... "None of the above. I can sing as well as Anu sings." Isn't that good enough? :)

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Poem - (Christian) You

"You" By Anup R (written in 2004)

All said and done
You are the only one

When everything else goes wrong
You lead me on and make me strong
You place in my heart, a brand new song

All said and done
You are the only one

When I'm weak and the world ignores me
You take over and strengthen me
To You may all the glory be
To You may all the praise be

I'm extremely grateful to Thee
That You came to set me free

All said and done
You are the only one

This may sound cheesy to the majority. But, I am not ashamed of who I am and certainly not ashamed of the gr8 God I try to serve.


Poem - Hope

"Hope" - by Anup R

Very often do I look up at the sky
And imagine how good it would be
To give up this rat race and just fly
What kind crazy fool am I?
So many wanna live, while I just wanna die?

Life has been so very cruel
Fear and confusion weighs down my soul
I long for sunshine
But all I get is pain

So on a cruel stormy night
I decide to give up the fight
But with one foot in the grave
My heart enquires of the universe
Is there no one who cares?

Then a voice breaks the stillness of the night
Dumbfounded, I listen as He says

"You are not in control
You never were
Troubles are part of life
Enjoy the good and endure the strife
Your troubles will pass away
If only you get on your knees and pray
Though circumstances may cause your faith to sway
Be sure that I will guide your way"

I stood astonished and amazed
As the sunlight broke through the clouds
The night was gone
Hope was reborn
As I stood gazing at the clear blue sky

This one was after a particularly frustrating work-day. In fact, if I wasn't sure that there is a God and there is a Hell and that souls of ones who commit suicide go to hell, I'd probably be the first one to give the world a last look and jump off a cliff! But, I won't do that! I'm certain that there is a plan for me and that as crazy as the world may be, God is very much in control!

(Do you remember Meatloaf's song... I would do anything 4 love...But I won't do that.... Whatever happened to him?)


Poem - The Beach

The Beach
By Anup R

A weary soul lies on the beach
Gazing at the stars, way beyond his reach
He stares into the night
And tries to put up a fight

But from the depths of the ocean
Rise up wave after wave of memories and emotion
So he considers the shattered hopes and scattered dreams
And soon tears flow like raging streams

He tries to choke back the tears
He tries to overcome his fears
He wonders what he did wrong
And why troubles stay on for so long

He longs for peace and liberation
But only gets some more frustration
The happiness that once was his constant companion
Now seems as distant as the horizon

So a weary soul lies on the beach
Not caring for what life's trying to teach
Distant sweet memories play on in his head
As the tide comes in and the beach becomes his bed

This one was after a particular strong bout of "questioning my position in the grand scheme of things" Basically, just like anyone else, I too just wannabe happy. But, just writing one line would be no fun to read ... :)

Such poems, where the poet seems to be a hell-of-a-lot-more-miserable than the reader, are especially appreciated because.... Misery loves company!.... I'm just glad that I could offer comfort in any way to someone.... :)


Here I go....

I've wondered what it would be like to maintain a blog 4 quite some time now... but I've resisted the urge as I've failed quite often in endeavours to maintain diaries (primarily as either Mom or my sibling would get it and try to "understand me" or "blackmail me" respectively).... But, as even I don't understand me, I guess it's safe to let u try to understand me. And as for the blackmail part... I could use the excitement!

I don't know how often I'll be able to update my blog, with a crazy work schedule and all.... but I'll really try harder than when I tried to keep diaries in the good old wonder years!

So, here I go....